Page 39

River Ashland

" Y ou are so fucking messy!" I spat, throwing a pillow at Chosyn. Her ass laughed, tossed the throw pillow behind her head, and started rubbing her feet together.

"Messy because I told my husband I'm hungry? You're not the only one who wants to eat Four ."

"Eat whatever you want, but do it at your house."

"Why? This isn't your house." She laughed.

"It's my man's house, so it's mine." I shrugged.

Obnoxiously, Chosyn started clapping and cheering. I rolled my eyes and tossed another pillow at her ass.

"Stop throwing shit when all I'm doing is being happy for you." She smirked.

"Bye, Chosyn because your ass is being messy."

"I promise you I'm not."

"Then why do you have Wolfe bring you food?"

"Damn, I can't spend time with my bestie?"

"Of course you can, but that's not why you're here."

"It is!" Her ass started pouting like her feelings were hurt.

"So, Gigi didn't call you while you were in the bathroom and asked when you're coming to pick up Phoenix because she wanted to play bingo?"

"Let me find out a bitch can't poop in peace while under your roof," she scoffed.

"Just be honest. You're still here because you wanna be messy."

Rolling her eyes, Chosyn sucked her teeth. "I can't believe you think that low of me."

"Bitch!" I blurted, laughing so hard that a few tears fell from my eyes. "You’re here to watch me go back and forth with Crown about me fighting."

"Is that what we're calling it?"

"Don't drag it." I sighed, tired of hearing how I got beat up.

"If I'm dragging it, what do you think Crown is going to do?"

I rolled my eyes and grabbed the bag of peas from the end table, placing it back on the left side of my face.

"Exactly," Chosyn giggled. "Don't worry, though. I'll be here for moral support. As soon as Crown starts his shit, I'll pull out my phone and show him your registration for self-defense class."

"Really, Chosyn?"

"Yup. I paid for a year's worth of sessions, so don't waste my money."

"Fuck you!" I laughed, unable to take her seriously.

"Okay, when Phoenix and I are picking you up twice a week for class, don't complain." She shrugged. "What kind of flowers do you think Leah's mom would like?"

"Flowers?" I frowned.

"Yeah. Leah and I didn't get along, but her mom was cool. I wanna send my condolences."

"She's not dead, Chosyn! You know how crazy it'll be for her to get condolence flowers when her daughter is still very much alive."

"But is she, though?" Chosyn's tone was rich in dry skepticism and immediately had me thinking the worst. Grabbing my phone, I quickly texted Rook.

Me:

Did Leah leave there?

Rook:

Monica drove her to the hospital.

I let out a sigh of relief and tossed my phone on the couch.

"Leah won't make it past the night once Crown finds out what happened. He let her off the hook once, but I doubt he'll do it again."

"You speak about murder like death means nothing to you," I quipped with a little more sass than necessary.

I've never judged her or the things she's done, mainly because I understood.

Her past fueled a lot of her irate behaviors.

The threats, the walking around with the blade in her mouth, the chip on her shoulder all stemmed from her issues with Chance, who was dead now.

Chosyn had a beautiful marriage, a beautiful child and still was still on bullshit.

"In a way, I guess it doesn't. I tried killing Chance at what fifteen and went on to love King, who teetered the same line as my father. Both King and Chance had a hand in dismantling my innocence. They changed how I empathize with people. I guess Choyce played a part in that, too."

At the mention of her sister, I watched her gaze shift. Her eyes glossed over, lips slightly parted. Chosyn's thoughts had slipped away. She was present, but she wasn't.

"Chosyn," I called out, placing my hand on her knee. She flinched beneath my touch, and when her eyes came back to mine, she seemed her normal self.

"Sorry." She sighed.

"There's nothing to be sorry about. I get it. Killing Chance wasn't your fault. Choyce set you up to do that, but even then, you had your reasons for doing so."

"So as long as someone has a reason, killing is okay?" she asked, throwing me for a loop. In my mind, killing was wrong no matter the reason. However, for Chosyn, I made excuses.

"I didn't say that."

"Then what are you saying, River?"

"I don't know." I sighed.

"You might want to figure it out before Crown sees your face."

Chosyn had a point. Crown made it clear when he killed the DJ, that he didn't give a fuck about killing someone over me.

I never thought too much of it because we weren't a thing back then.

Now we're in love. Telling him I love him fueled his crazy.

Leah wasn't someone I saw myself reconciling with, but I also didn't want her dead.

"Chosyn wha... what am I suppos... supposed to do?" My voice elevated as my words stammered, and my hands became clammy.

"Relax, what is wrong with you?" She frowned.

"Crown is going to kill Leah."

Her brows scrunched together. Basically, telling me duh. "I know. That's what I've been telling you."

"He can't Chosyn. Leah's been through too much to?—"

"Nope! I'ma stop you right there. Leah obviously hasn't been through enough if she keeps trying you.

She fucked Crown before you, told you she didn't care about you messing with him, just for her to throw it in your face because you locked him down.

Crown made that girl snap pictures of y'all in her phone as a reminder that it'll always be you for him.

Do you know how crazy you gotta be to still start shit?

Leah walked into that garage with a death wish.

" Chosyn shrugged. "You can't convince me otherwise.

She knows how throw'd off Crown is and she still put hands on you. "

"I hit her first." I sighed, and Chosyn pursed her lips together and tossed her shoulders forward as if to say and .

"I don't care who hit who first. She knew the consequences of putting her hands on you, and she still did it. Had you let me kill her, this wouldn't be a conversation."

"Ugh, you don't get it. You didn't know Leah, how I did."

"So." She frowned.

"So?" I scoffed. "I love you, I swear to God I do, but sometimes talking to you is like talking to a brick wall.

You don't see beyond your own feelings for people.

Leah isn't a bad person. Yes, she felt a way about us getting closer, but it's probably because she felt she was losing the closest person to her. "

I hated to defend Leah, but I couldn't act like Leah was never my friend because we fell out.

"Let me guess, I don't know what it's like to lose the only person I have?"

"I didn't say that."

"You didn't have to. Despite what you obviously think of me, I do see beyond my own feelings.

I lost the person who meant the most to me at fif-fucking-teen.

I've lost time and time again and not once did I do some foul shit to anyone I claimed to love.

So, what, Leah had a hard life. She isn't the first and won't be the last. What she went through doesn't give her the right to shit on you, River!

If you can't see that, who am I to force you to? "

Chosyn's words stung, but I wasn't backing down that easily.

"You say all that but have yet to realize there's more to saying you love someone than being there during the good times."

"Leah doesn't fucking love you. How many times do I have to tell you to look in the fucking mirror? Someone who loves you wouldn't beat your ass the way she did."

"She doesn't have to love me because I love her. She struggles just like you did when I?—"

"When you what, River? Came into my life and saved me?" she spat.

"Don't put words in my mouth."

"Why not? It's not like you'll ever have the balls to say it. I mean, that's why you keep hinting at my inability to love people."

"Again, I didn't say that."

"When do you ever say anything?"

"Fine!" I spat tired of Chosyn making me feel like I was a coward. "There's more to love than what you and Wolfe share."

"Wow!" Chosyn let out a humorless laugh that left the hairs on my arms standing. "So, you really think I don't know love because Wolfe is the first person I've loved?"

"I didn't say you don't know love. I said there's more to it than?—"

"I heard exactly what you said. As my best friend, you should know better than anyone how deeply I fucking love.

Before Wolfe, I loved Choyce. I loved my sister so fucking much I brought a plot and buried an empty fucking casket with her name on the headstone to help me grieve and move on.

After her was you. I love you to the point I'll probably step in front of a bullet for you, even with knowing what I'd be leaving behind by doing so.

Then there's Wolfe and my daughter. The things I would do to protect them in the name of love are unspeakable. That's how well I know, love."

"Chosyn, I?—"

"No, let me finish because you need to hear this," Chosyn sniffled and wiped the tears from her eyes.

"I don't know the full story of you and Sincere, but I can say that nigga warped your concept of love.

You think loving someone is allowing them to continuously hurt you.

Sincere put your life in danger by having you drive as he shot up the block.

That nigga gave you apology flowers, treated your birthday like any other day, choked you, and from what Ma told me, twisted your arm behind your back.

Sincere continuously hurt you, and you still loved him.

Even in death, that nigga has an unhealthy hold on you.

Leah is just more of the same. You were there for her, helped her through whatever issues she had, and what did she do?

Tried to trick you out of your spot and beat your ass.

She showed you who she is and your still trying to hold on.

So maybe it's not me who doesn't know love because a muthafucka only has one time to hurt me.

I'm don’t give out second and third chances. "

"I know love!" I shouted, chest heaving and tears slipping down my cheeks.

"I believe you," Chosyn said, standing up. She grabbed her phone and purse from the end table and headed toward the front door. "You know love in the way Sincere taught it to you. I guess that's why you held yourself back from Crown. You couldn't love him without making him hurt."

I sat stunned, watching her walk out of Crown's place.

My mind scrambled for a response, but what was there for me to say?

No longer hungry, I went up to the bedroom, stripped out of my clothes, then walked into the adjourning bathroom to shower and run through my nighttime skin care routine.

By the time I finished, sleep weighed heavily on my eyelids, each blink slower than the last. I flipped my curls forward and tied a scarf around my head, tossing my curls into a pineapple.

I got in bed, tossed the thick comforter over my body and took my ass to sleep.