Page 19

River Ashland

Am I scared?

I pondered the feeling, desperately searching for a reason as fear sped through my veins like tires skidding against the pavement.

This wasn't my first race. It wasn't even my twentieth.

I was well within pro status after the number of wins I've collected racing.

Yet here I was, chilling, parked on the edge of the street with my heart beating too fast, fighting against the weight of something I didn't understand.

"River, are you okay?" Hearing Honey's voice brought my gaze to her. My lips trembled as I parted them to speak.

Do I lie? Do I tell the truth?

"Uh yeah, I'm fine," I forced out, still a little shaken up.

"You sure? Want me to get you a water? The weather is nice, but not nice enough for you to sweat."

I swiped my hand across my forehead, and sure enough, beads of sweat coated the back of my hand.

"No, I'm fine."

Dissatisfaction plowed her brows. I forced a smile, hoping that would get her off my case.

"Mhm, don't make me call Crown."

"Please don't start. No one is scared of Crown," I smacked, rolling my eyes.

"Yeah, okay. We both know Crown will get to the bottom of whatever is going on with you."

Doubt it. He's the cause.

"You had better luck saying you were calling Chosyn."

"Oh, her too. Crown and Chosyn are the only ones you really open up to."

Chosyn... yes. Crown... no.

"I open up with you," I smacked, folding my arms over my chest.

"Yeah but not like how you are with Chosyn."

I frowned because what the hell did that mean?

"Fix your face. It's not that deep, and I don't feel a way. You and Chosyn are closer and have more history. Talking to her is you being in your comfort zone."

"Then why bring it up?"

Honey didn't realize it, but what she said gave credence to the bullshit Leah said.

I thought it was jealousy, but maybe I created whatever insecurity Leah felt.

I didn't see my friendship with Honey any differently than how I viewed my friendship with Chosyn.

I couldn't tell Honey what was happening because I didn't know.

The feelings stemmed around Crown and the guilt I felt surrounding my feelings for him.

Putting all I had going on into words seemed impossible when I barely made sense of them.

"I'm just saying... something is obviously wrong with you. You won't tell me but at least tell one of them."

"How, when neither is here?"

"Please!" Honey tittered. "Chosyn will fly here with Phoenix strapped to her chest and Wolfe on her back to get to you."

All I could do was laugh because Honey didn't tell a lie other than that it would be Phoenix strapped to Wolfe's chest and Chosyn on his back.

"And we know how Crown is coming about his Four ." She snickered.

"Maybe." It came out a lot more bitter than I intended. Honey must've caught on because that single word hung between us for a few.

"Are you and Crown having issues?"

"I told you it's nothing, and I'm probably just in my head about things."

"Something is different. I mentioned Crown twice, and you barely cracked a smile."

"I laughed!" I defended, and she scoffed.

"Barely. If anything, it was forced."

"Crown and I are fine. I'm a little nervous about this race. Crown said he was going to be here, but I haven't seen him yet, so if I sound salty, that's why."

"Nervous for what? You taught me and the rest of the BBs everything we know. I haven't seen you lose a race yet. Plus, you’re racing a new team that I heard isn’t that good anyway."

"I just feel a little off, but I'm good."

"Hmph!" she huffed, rolling her eyes. "Don't worry. What you won't say here, I'll get out of you at our girls' night. The group chat already agreed. We’re doing matching pajamas and it’s at Navy's house."

"Navy? She has a house? I thought she lived on Honor's dick."

"Oh, bitch!" Honey squealed.

"I'm kidding!" I laughed, lying my ass off.

Navy was cool. I hadn't fully gotten a feel for her, but Chosyn seemed to take to her, so I followed my bestie's lead.

"Sure, you are. But I need this night more than any of you. I had plans of Lynx being my baby daddy, but with the way he's acting, I don't want his little swimmers anywhere near my eggs. The streets can have him," she huffed, tossing her honey tresses over her shoulder.

"Wait, what happ?—"

A car tearing up the block seized all conversation. Headlights, blinding and hot, forced everyone in attendance to glance toward the sleek black Mustang GT.

"Oh shit!" The crowd bucked as the car spun without warning, clearing its path.

"Leave it to a bunch of niggas to get rowdy at a fucking race," Honey huffed.

The back end of the car kicked out a perfect circle, billowing a thick cloud of smoke.

I smirked, impressed with how well the driver was handling not only the car but the crowd.

They continued performing flawless donuts, drawing murmurs about who was behind the wheel.

I barely caught eyes with the driver, but once she threw up the 'B', I knew exactly who it was. I smiled proudly at Kyree.

"Is that fucking Kysre!" Honey gawked.

Hanging out the passenger window, one arm draped over the edge of the window was Kysre.

Her shoulder-length sister locs whipped wildly in the wind.

The streetlights caught her curly ends, making them shimmer like bronze as a beautiful mix of cheekiness and excitement cast over her face.

Her grin was one I knew all too well. It was the type of smile that dared someone to try to control your reckless behavior, just so you can show them why the wise stay silent.

I missed that feeling all too much. Grief caged my smile and happiness a long time ago.

Kyree brought the car to a screeching halt, letting the engine growl one last time before falling silent.

She parked and hopped out, eating up the applause that took over the crowd.

Kysre exited the car after some of the excitement died down.

I shook my head, still finding myself in awe when it came to their personalities.

Kyree might've been the fire, but Kysre was the smoke left behind by the flames.

Both were deadly... just in different ways.

"What a way to make an entrance." I smirked as Kysre left her sister's side to come stand with Honey and me.

"I couldn't let Kyree have all the fun." She shrugged, giggling slightly.

"You have to teach me because that was sexy," Honey added, smacking Kysre on the ass.

"Just let go and live life," was Kysre's advice. She said it as if it were that simple.

"Why can't love be that simple?"

What I thought was a whispered murmur came out louder than I expected and drew stares from Honey and Kysre. Neither spoke, but the curiosity in their stunned expression was loud enough.

"Let's go get a drink or something."

I slide off my car, falling into an easy stride. The sea of people moved around me as I made my way over to Rook's 1970 Chevrolet Chevelle SS 454.

"River, baby, wassup beautiful?" Smiling, he pulled me into an embrace, squeezing me tight. I hugged him back just as tight, knowing our hugs were far and few.

"Hey Rook, what you doing out here? Let me find out Monica kicked you out again and got you back slumming it with us wild kids."

"Now you know Monica isn't stupid enough to try the same trick twice on this old dog."

I laughed because Rook never took Monica seriously, and that was the reason his ass slept in his car once a month.

"It's been a while. How have you been?"

"Surviving." I shrugged, unsure of how to tell the man who opened his garage to Sincere and me back in the day that life was actually suffocating me.

Late nights turned to early mornings at Rook's Auto Body.

Some of my greatest moments were in that garage, working on my car with Sincere.

Rook would leave us there to let us explore engines and whatever car parts we got our hands on.

When I started racing, Rook filled the position of the proud parent, cheering me on since my mom didn't approve.

He was the father figure I never had, and the listening ear whenever I needed to vent about Sincere.

"Surviving has never been the blueprint for life. It's not meant to be a fleeting moment that's easy to forget but hard to remember. Take it from a man who spent the better years of his life surviving."

"Then what should it be filled with?" I chuckled to mask the seriousness of the question. Truthfully, I needed an answer.

Life after loss didn't come with a manual.

There was nothing in place to teach me the steps of moving on.

Grief always came knocking every time an ounce of joy came my way, and that wasn't even the half.

Each time Crown tells me he loves me, my pulse comes to a screeching halt while my heart pounds violently against my ribs.

If it were possible, I believed my heart would leap from my chest right into that man's hands.

"River, did you hear me, sweetheart?" Rook asked, placing his hand on my shoulder.

"Uh, no, sorry, my thoughts got the best of me." I half smiled.

Rook's brows edged together.

"Life comes with darkness that only a certain light can immerse from. What's the point in living if there's no bliss to balance the ruin?"

What he said struck deep... a little too deep since I wasn't expecting it. I glanced toward the ground, feeling the tears ready to slip from my eyes.

"Tell me the truth, River... how are you?"

"I'm... I don't know." I sighed. "I'm having a hard time. Sincere passed three almost four years ago, and I'm still having trouble navigating life without him."