Page 77 of Mates for the Raskarrans #1-6

Mattie smiles and hands Khadija a clump of nesta seed pods.

The seeds are used to make the sleeping drink that Shemza gave Vantos, but they’re fiddly and difficult to get out of their pods.

Molly and Jassal are the best at it, having smaller hands than the rest of us, but they’re nowhere to be seen.

Khadija sighs, but takes a knife out of her boot and starts prying the seed pod apart.

“Busy day?” Hannah asks. I look up, wondering what has prompted her question, and notice that Khadija is covered in scratches all up her arms. I make a mental note to prepare some djenti berry paste for her as soon as I get the chance.

“Endzoh has been showing me how to set the traps around the village,” Khadija says. “Some of them are pointy.”

“Traps for catching animals or people?” Mattie says.

“Traps for making a whole lot of noise if something sets them off. And it would take something big to set them off. Like brawny raskarran big.”

Hannah frowns. “They’re still worried about the Cliff Top tribe coming for us, then?”

Khadija shrugs. “Seems like a sensible thing to be worried about to me.”

“They can keep us safe though, right?” Lorna says, uncertainty in her tone.

I listen to them all talk as I work. I’m not much for conversation.

Mama always said when I open my mouth, stupid comes out, so I try to avoid opening it as much as I can.

I can’t work out if the others think I’m rude or just sad about Penny, who died on the beach.

They think we were close - so much so that they asked me to speak at her funeral.

We talked some - Penny was a packer, like me, so we had some things to talk about.

I think she was quiet like me, too, and liked me because I never pushed her to have something to say.

I like Hannah and Mattie, but they’re strong minded and have a lot of opinions.

I’m always scared I’ll make myself look like an idiot if I try to keep up with them.

I just try to stick to the medicines. I know where I’m at with them.

When the herbs and roots are sorted, I carry them back to the medical hut.

I set the basket down on the side, then begin putting everything away.

That done, I take out my little bouquet and set it in one of the drinking cups lying about the place.

I pour in a little water from Shemza’s water supply, then set the cup on the shelf next to Vantos’ bed.

He’s sleeping at the moment, his features peaceful.

Whenever he’s awake, he looks pained and fed up - another person frustrated by his incapacitation.

Now when he wakes, a little bit of the beauty from outside will be waiting for him. I hope it gives him something to smile about.

“Rachel?” Grace comes in, calling softly so as not to disturb our patient. “Sally and Shemza are ready now, if you are?”

Something bigger and angrier than butterflies starts fluttering in my stomach.

“Sure,” I say, hoping my voice doesn’t shake.

We go back to the hut I share with Lorna. Lorna’s still sat round the fire with Hannah and Mattie, so it’s empty. Except it’s not, because between me, Sally, Grace and Shemza, it’s feeling pretty full.

Shemza and Sally are talking in the growling raskarran language. I watch them, wishing I was clever enough to learn another language. If I could speak raskarran, I’d be helpful enough to keep around. But I can barely keep the words for flowers and leaves in my head.

Skellin. Akashin.

“He’s just asking me about the baby,” Sally says when she notices me watching. “I think he’s a bit nervous. This will be his first delivery. I’ve tried to reassure him that I know what I’m doing.”

“I’m a bit nervous, too,” Grace said. “I know the theory, but, well.”

But no bottom tier girls get pregnant. Because we aren’t allowed to.

That has to be a big tick in the ‘reasons I can’t possibly be pregnant’ box.

“You know the theory. I know the reality,” Sally says.

A lot of the time, it’s hard to believe she’s related to Liv.

They don’t look at all alike - Liv with her long dark hair, Sally more blonde and tan.

But occasionally, she’ll do something that reminds everyone.

Like the wry smile she’s giving Grace right now that makes her features suddenly similar to her sister’s.

“I’ll be grateful for your expertise,” Grace says. “With Liv pregnant. And Ellie…”

“Ellie’s pregnant, too?” I say.

Grace shakes her head. “Not yet.”

“It’s only a matter of time, most likely,” Sally says. “And hopefully there will be many more to come.”

My stomach roils a little, and I’m not sure if it’s the sickness or nerves.

The raskarrans do certainly seem delighted by the idea of more children.

Shemza is the youngest in the tribe, and he’s seen twenty rainy seasons.

Sally says it’s not quite equivalent to Earth years, but close enough not to matter.

Twenty years since the last raskarran was born to this tribe.

Or, at least, the last one that survived.

I’ve seen the reverence and excitement they show towards Sally’s children. Little Jassal and Ahnjas are adored by everyone. But they have raskarran blood. My baby - if there is a baby - would be fully human. Would they be so eager for a fully human child?

“Shall we get started?” Grace says.

I should just spit it out. Just say it out loud.

Grace, I’m worried I might be pregnant.

“So, the first question I ask is ‘how are you feeling generally?’” Grace says. “You’re the first person I’ve had the chance to ask these questions to who’s not happily mated, so you’re the first one to give me an answer that’s not influenced by that. So… how are you feeling generally?”

I’ve been feeling sickly in the morning for days now.

But I don’t say it. The words stick in the back of my throat.

“Um, okay?” I say. “A bit tired, but that’s been getting better every day since we got here. And since Shemza treated my sunburn so I could sleep better.”

“Tired is normal in the circumstances,” Grace says. “We didn’t eat enough for several days, and then we walked all the way here. It will take your body a little while to recover from that. You’re not as thin as some of the other girls, at least.”

I think of how Jeremy liked to cook for me. I thought it was because he loved me, but he didn’t, and now I’m wondering why he bothered. All that rich, high calorie food. Showing off, maybe. Or maybe he liked the girls in his bed to be more than skin and bones.

“You managing to eat okay?” Grace asks.

“Er, sometimes I feel a little queasy,” I say, just about squeezing the words out.

“I wouldn’t worry about that,” Grace says. “Your body is adjusting to the new food, plus recovering from starving. Eat small portions. Drink plenty of water.”

She’s so matter-of-fact about it, it makes me feel stupid for ever worrying. I don’t mind feeling stupid though - it’s a familiar sensation. Preferable to a baby growing inside me.

Grace talks me through a few more questions, Shemza chipping in with things every so often, Sally translating. It’s all pretty basic. Eat plenty, drink plenty, don’t work too hard to start with - build up slowly. Stay out of the sun so I don’t get burned again.

Then Sally gestures to Shemza that he can leave, and I start to feel panicked again.

They want to talk to me in private? Was Grace’s reassurance earlier that it’s normal to feel queasy just for Shemza’s benefit?

Now he’s gone is she going to tell me I’m pregnant and I need to do something about it so the raskarrans don’t throw me out of the tribe?

“This is the part that gets a bit awkward and embarrassing,” Grace says. “I need to talk to you about what to expect with your body now that you’re not on Mercenia controlled food anymore.”

“What?” I say, and I hate the quiver in my voice. It’s so damn obvious.

Grace puts a hand on my knee. “Nothing to worry about. You’ll just be coming off the medication they put in your food and there’s a chance it will have some side effects.

You might feel a little unsettled and out of sorts - it’s just the withdrawal.

Headaches as well, but you already know how to treat a headache.

The main thing is, you’ve come off the birth control medication, so in a few weeks, maybe sooner, your menstrual cycle will return. ”

“My what?”

Grace gives me a sympathetic look. “Your menstrual cycle. It’s the body’s fertility cycle. It lasts about twenty-eight days. Your body produces an egg and releases it into your womb, where it hopes to be fertilised, but if it’s not…”

She keeps talking about horrific things. Bleeding from my lady parts, cramps and hot flushes and mood swings. And I have to wonder at my mother, who complained no end about how the babies she carried made her sick in the mornings, but never mentioned any of this.

“You’ve never experienced it before because the medication Mercenia had you on stopped all of that,” Grace says. “I don’t want you to be frightened when it happens. It’s perfectly normal. Natural.”

“And a little bit tricky to deal with on a primitive planet where the natives had very different fertility cycles to ours,” Sally says. “Jaskry thought I was dying the first time my period happened. Fortunately, I’d read about it in books before and knew not to panic.”

She reaches for a bag - just a small one made from the off-cuts of animal furs - and hands it to me.

“You’ll want to line your underwear with something absorbent when it comes on,” she says. “I’ve perfected the design over the years I’ve been here. You can tie these in place, and they’ll last a good few hours. Then just wash and dry them, and they’re ready to use again.”

This sounds very complicated, but my mind snags on one little detail.

“So, this bleeding happens when you’re not pregnant?” I say.

“Yes,” Grace says.

“So when it doesn’t happen for Liv, we’ll know she’s definitely expecting a little one?”

“Exactly.” Grace smiles, and I think she’s pleased that I’m thinking about the health of the rest of the group. Thinking like a healer.

Except, I’m not. I’m thinking about the opposite scenario. I’m thinking that when this bleeding starts for me, then I’ll have concrete proof that I have nothing to worry about.