Page 106 of Mates for the Raskarrans #1-6

“What Liv is trying very diplomatically to say is that you don’t have to seduce Vantos into playing house with you because you’re scared, or because you think you’re going to need help with the baby.”

I don’t get angry and I don’t argue. Especially not with people like Khadija, who are clearly smarter and stronger than me.

I learned that the hard way with Mama, who always made me feel like an idiot, no matter how convinced I was of my rightness.

But this accusation, this reduction of my feelings for Vantos into something so base, snaps something inside me.

“That’s not what this is,” I say, and I wish my voice came out low and powerful, but instead it goes high. I can’t even be angry right. “I would never do that.”

“Forgive my scepticism,” Khadija says. “But it is Vantos we’re talking about here.”

Now I’m really angry.

“And what’s wrong with Vantos?” I snap, and there’s a power behind my words that I’ve never managed before.

“Just because he’s not as in your face as some of the others doesn’t mean he’s a bad person.

He’s the best person I know. All the way to Darran’s tribe, he’s looked after me.

Made sure I felt safe, made sure I felt comfortable and happy.

No one has ever treated me that well. No one has ever cared about me that way before.

So I won’t hear you say anything bad about him.

He’s sweet and kind and protective and I love him.

I wish it was as simple as him being my mate, because that would make me the happiest person in the whole damn village. ”

Khadija opens her mouth, but Liv cuts across her.

“I think that’s enough, don’t you?”

Khadija shrugs. “I was convinced from the first moony-eyed look. It’s you I’m making sure is convinced.”

All the accusation has gone from her tone, as if it never existed.

“I’m convinced!” I appreciate that Liv sounds angry on my account. Then she arches an eyebrow. “You were really convinced from the first look? I brought you along because you’re supposed to be as cynical about all this shit as I am.”

“Yeah, well. You don’t recognise it, because you can’t see your own face. It’s exactly the same look you get in your eyes when you talk about Gregar.”

Khadija comes over and gives me an apologetic look.

“Sorry. I had to push. We had to be sure. It’s Liv’s job to protect the tribe, and most of the time, that’s protecting you.

But it’s also sometimes protecting them.

They might be big and strong, but they’re also very innocent in some ways.

We don’t want you to get hurt, but we don’t want him to get hurt, either. Neither would be good for the tribe.”

“I would never hurt him,” I say.

“Maybe you wouldn’t deliberately,” Liv says. “But the fact remains that Vantos is very wrong about you already having a mate.”

My poor heart - it’s taking a beating. Rising up, only to drop right back down again. It must show on my face because Liv’s eyes go soft.

“I don’t want to stop you two,” she says. “Gregar was convinced Vantos had done wrong by you...”

“He hasn’t. I promise he hasn’t. Please don’t let him be punished or anything.”

“I told Gregar that he can’t just think of things the raskarran way anymore, that he has to consider our way of thinking, too.

Knowing what I know about how decent raskarrans behave around their women, I highly doubt Vantos has done anything worthy of punishment, but I’m asking you, just to be completely clear - did he force or coerce you into anything? ”

“No,” I say, as firm and resolute as I can manage through my zigzagging emotions.

“And I’m quite convinced you haven’t taken advantage of his innocence. Which means, in principle, I’m all for it. You’re both adults, it’s really none of my business what you get up to together.”

“But…” I say, hearing the unspoken word in her tone.

“But,” Liv says heavily. “Darran’s tribe will be here in a few days. That’s not a problem, because you’ve already met all of them. It’s Walset’s tribe - in all likelihood, they’ll be arriving a few days later. Another group of unmated raskarrans, among whom could be your real mate.”

My real mate. How can there be a ‘real mate’ out there for me, when the thought makes me sick?

“It’s not a ‘no’, Rachel,” Liv says, and she’s clearly trying to be as gentle as she can.

“It’s a ‘hang fire for a few days’. Make sure your mate isn’t among Walset’s tribe.

They’re the only other tribe in the area.

If one of them isn’t your mate, there isn’t anyone else around.

There are Wandering tribes, but they pass through so infrequently, it could be months or years before we see any of them.

I won’t ask you to put your life on hold for that.

But for Walset, I’m asking you to wait.”

I don’t see Vantos as I walk back to the hut I share with Lorna.

It was heading into the evening when we arrived, and it’s late now.

The village has closed down for the night, the fire banked, almost everyone retreating into their huts to sleep.

The nights are definitely colder now, and I notice that some of the things around the village have been moved.

The stores of food that before were hanging in the open have all been smoked and wrapped and packed away.

The furs have all been tanned - nothing left stretched over the tanning frames.

The station where the hunters sit and make their arrows and repair their bows has been dismantled.

The big rains are coming. Now they know Darran’s tribe will be joining us, attention will probably shift to opening up more of the old huts.

There will be some moving around, I think.

The bigger family huts like mine and Lorna’s will need to be filled to make space for Darran’s tribe to live.

I expect we’ll get new roommates, and wonder who it will be.

Hannah and Mattie, maybe. I think I’d like that better than Khadija and Sam.

Hannah and Mattie might not be socially awkward like me, but they don’t fit in easily in the tribe in their own way.

I feel like I have more in common with them.

It seems pointless, planning for a future that might only last a few days. But a few days feels like a lifetime right now.

A few days of not being with Vantos, with the possibility of some other raskarran being my mate at the end of it? It’s like winning the Alpha Colony lottery, only to find the colony is actually a prison or something.

I don’t want another mate. I want Vantos, and I don’t know how I’m going to get through these next few days of fearing someone is going to take me away from him.

God, if someone does, they’re going to feel so shortchanged. Living up to all of Mama’s expectations for me. Rachel, the world’s greatest disappointment.

Only Vantos has ever made me feel like that’s not me. He went against every raskarran tradition and expectation to fight for me. What more does he need to do to prove to Lina that he’s meant for me? I don’t need anymore proof.

Lorna is asleep when I enter the hut, and try to slip into my bed without disturbing her. I think I’ve been successful until she rolls over and opens sleep heavy eyes.

“You’re back.”

“I’m back.”

“Did you have a good trip?”

“It was… a lot.”

“Glad to be home?”

Home. I feel bad for thinking it - Lorna has been a good roommate, and friend - but home is several huts away, lying in his bed alone.

I try to sleep. I do.

Shemza even gave me some tea - made me drink it before I left the healer’s hut. It’s supposed to make you sleepy, but I’m wide awake, staring at the ceiling of my hut, my heart racing in my chest.

It’s not good for the baby, I know that. Shemza told me I need to rest up, especially after the last few days of struggling to eat. And since accepting the baby, acknowledging it, love fills my heart for it. I don’t want to do anything bad for it. I want to sleep, but I can’t.

After what feels like hours of tossing and turning, listening to Lorna’s soft breathing, I get up.

Lying here is just making me annoyed, and the more annoyed I get, the less likely it is I’ll sleep.

I’ll go to the healer’s hut, I think. Breathe the smell of the herbs for a little while.

Maybe calm my mind by tidying up. If I get drowsy, there’s always the bed in there.

Maybe it will still smell a little of Vantos.

Vantos. Just thinking about him makes me ache, and not in a between the legs kind of way.

It’s a whole body sort of ache. Everything inside and out.

Heart and lungs and chest and arms. All of me aches to be lying beside him.

And I know, I just know, that I won’t sleep if I’m not caged in his big, warm arms.

So, it’s a medical need. For the baby.

I sneak out of my hut, closing the door as softly as I can manage. Tiptoe across the village toward Vantos’ hut. I unhook his door. It glides open and I hook it shut without making a sound.

Inside, Vantos’ hut is every bit as neat as I expected it to be.

Everything orderly, but quite plain. The raskarrans are practical, but they do make nice things - my gift from Darran’s healer is proof.

Vantos has been leaning heavily towards the practical.

It makes me want to learn to sew, to make a few nice cushions or throws or something.

I can still do that for him. There’s no law that says I can’t make him nice things.

I creep forward into his bedroom, sighing as I see him stretched out on the bed, the covers up to his waist, leaving all his broad chest exposed to my eyes.

I wonder if it’s later - or earlier - than I think.

Wonder if I did manage to snatch a bit of sleep here and there, and the sun is starting to rise outside, because it’s not as dark as it should be.

Oh well, if I only get a short amount of sleep before I have to sneak back to my hut, it will be better than nothing.

I sit on the edge of the bed, reaching out to touch Vantos’ cheek, tracing my thumb along the lines of his face. His eyes flutter open, and he looks up at me, confused.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I know I’m supposed to stay away from you, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I’ve been lying in bed for hours, unable to sleep. I just want your arms around me. I can’t sleep without them.”

“Rachel,” his voice is gruff and sexy and I don’t know how he packs so much meaning into my name, but it makes my heart ache so hard, I’m afraid it might actually break.

Vantos pushes himself upright, reaching out a hand to brush back my hair.

“Rachel,” he says again. “You are asleep.”