Page 230 of Mates for the Raskarrans #1-6

As I look around at the clearing, listening to the bubbling of the stream running over rocks, the sounds of the wind through the trees, I remember those first few days on the beach.

Trying to care for Lorna, feeling pretty certain she was going to die no matter what I did.

Growing thinner and hungrier with every passing day, always looking at the trees at the edge of the beach with fear.

The forest looked so forbidding then. It’s still frightening now.

Still home to the merka beasts, with their sharp claws and vicious lashes.

But I’m not afraid the way I was back then.

It’s a healthy fear, respect more so than terror.

And if my outlook on the forest can change so drastically, then maybe my outlook on other things can as well.

When Calran returns, we make dinner together.

It’s early to be eating, but the walk has given me an appetite and I think we’re both eager to go to sleep for the night.

The lack of shared language between us makes everything more difficult, more awkward.

I’m awkward enough when I have words. I’m terrible without them.

But Calran is all patience as he mimes things to me, asking me questions with his hands and his expression. I try to communicate as clearly as he does, speaking words with my body, but I’m not a natural emoter. Too many years of hiding my true feelings, stopping them from ever appearing on my face.

Then the light starts fading, the night rolling in.

I look up at the sky overhead, the clouds hiding the stars and moons from view.

The air cools off quickly, my skin prickling with gooseflesh.

Not something that happens often here in the balmy raskarran forest. Calran notices me trying to rub some warmth into my arms and inclines his head towards the tent.

My heart stutters, fear rising in me even though he’s given me no reason to mistrust him.

The tent isn’t large, so even if we’re sleeping in separate furs, we’re going to be pressed quite close together, and half of me wants to lean into that, to burrow into his warmth and enjoy the feeling of security that I’m sure his arm around me would provide.

But the other half keeps continuing on to what could happen after that.

If his hand wanders somewhere I don’t want it to.

But I promised him I would try. Not just for him. For me. I don’t want to be afraid of something that could be wonderful between us. I want to give myself a chance to have a mate in every sense. That starts with sleeping in our tent tonight.

I get up, packing away the few things we have out into our bags, before Calran tucks them inside one of the smaller caves, out of the way and protected from the elements.

He gestures for me to go ahead of him, and when I hesitate, he touches a hand to my shoulder again.

Gives it a gentle squeeze. I take a steadying breath, then head inside, ducking under the low doorway, the fabric falling closed once Calran steps in behind me.

There are two separate piles of furs, made up as far from each other as it’s possible to get them in the small space of the tent.

Calran gives me an enquiring look and I smile at him, grateful for his consideration.

I take off my boots, my walking socks, then shimmy out of my leggings.

My nightclothes are on the pile of furs, and I turn my back to Calran before pulling off my top and changing into them.

He doesn’t pay me any attention as I do this, as if he can sense how high the anxiety has ridden in me.

As if he knows the weight of his gaze would be enough to tip me over the edge into panic.

When I’m dressed, I turn back to him, see he is already settling down into his own furs. He smiles at me, then closes his eyes, his breathing quickly going slow and even. I lie back, tucking my furs around me, and try to relax enough to drift off.

“I hope the walk was not too much for you,” Calran says as I sit up in the dream tent - so similar to the one we’re actually in, but for the bed at the centre of it.

Calran is once again sat in a chair at the end of the bed, but he stands as he speaks, then gestures to the bed.

“I would lie next to you, if you would permit it?”

My mouth feels dry, but I force myself to nod.

Trust. Building it means taking some chances.

“The walk was fine,” I say, as his weight makes the bedding dip before he shifts so he is lying down. “It’s nice to get out, see more of the forest.”

“And we have the privacy you desired.”

“Yes.”

“Would you lie down also? I swear to you I will not touch you without asking first.”

I’m jittery as I shift, lying back against the bedding. I want to be on my feet, pacing round. Anything to work off this nervous energy. But I hold it in, try to ignore it.

“I have given much thought to this bargain of ours, Grace,” he says, and I appreciate that he drops the ‘my’. “As we have walked, I have been doing a lot of thinking about you, and how you might like to be shown pleasures.”

“That must have been distracting.”

He grins at my attempt at a joke. “I got us to this place without mishap. That was my only requirement for today. That left much space in my awareness for other things.”

His eyes rake over my body as he says it, heat creeping into his tone.

Simon never looked at me like that, and I’m not sure how to feel about it.

It telegraphs Calran’s desire clearly, the potency of it, and while it’s nice that he looks at me and sees something desirable, it only makes me more skittish, more uncomfortable.

“I wish to ask you some more questions. Questions that may be uncomfortable, and for that I am sorry, but I think they are important.”

“Okay, ask me whatever you need.”

I should always be willing to give him honesty, I think, no matter how uncomfortable it gets.

“This Simon, he wished to seed a child in you, yes? I imagine he was not much concerned with other ways of mating. Ways that are not required for the seeding of a child?”

I swallow down my discomfort. “I’m… not really familiar with different ways of mating.”

“He put his cock inside you, spilled his seed?” Calran looks deeply uncomfortable to say it, as if the thought of what Simon did to me cuts at him as much as it does at me.

“For raskarrans, seeding can only occur when the mating node is active, but I understand it is different for humans? You do not have mating nodes. Is seeding something a human can do any time?”

“Yes. And yes, that’s what he would do. Most nights.”

A flash of his body, hot and sweaty over mine, fills my mind. The grunting sounds he used to make. The mercy of it was it never lasted very long, but any length of time was too much, really.

“So he would never touch you? Never taste you? Mating is not only done with a cock, Grace. There are many different ways that I would like to please you.”

Something flickers low in my belly, the barest spark of heat. Hardly an inferno, but given that I’ve never felt even that much desire before, I take it to be a promising sign.

“He didn’t touch me, no.” Definitely didn’t taste. He wouldn’t even kiss me.

Calran nods, as though this satisfies him.

“Then perhaps that is where we should start,” he says, a smile spreading slowly across his lips.