Page 101 of Mates for the Raskarrans #1-6

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Rachel

I decide there’s no point trying to fight going to sleep. If Darran’s tribe are going to join with Gregar’s, well, I can’t not go to sleep forever. So I snuggle up in the blankets, try to luxuriate in the nice, soft, proper bed.

And still, hours later, I’m lying awake, my mind racing like crazy, thoughts going round and round and round.

Every time I start drifting, it’s as if someone takes a boot to my heart, kicking it so it clangs against my ribcage, beating so hard I’m sure it’s going to explode.

I come fully awake in a burst of adrenaline, and all the head spinning just starts up again.

The worst part of it is, I just know if I were to crawl over to Vantos’ bedroom, slip under his covers and wrap one of his big arms around me, my thoughts would calm, and so would my racing heart.

Just like he soothed me during that awful storm, distracting me with word games and gentle touches, he would soothe me now.

Except he won’t. Because he doesn’t want to hold me in his arms while I doze off and dream about some other raskarran.

Which - totally fair. I get that.

Doesn’t stop it hurting like a bitch.

I’m not sure what time I fall asleep, but I must, because I dream.

I dream that a raskarran comes to me, his face hidden as he approaches.

I try to get a glimpse of him, but he keeps looking away from me, and when I do finally grab hold of him, he turns and it’s Jeremy’s face.

Jeremy sneering at me and telling me I should take my lottery ticket, that I’d been getting too attached to him, and he didn’t think it was a good idea for me to be round him anymore.

“Not you,” raskarran-Jeremy says, disgust in his tone and eyes.

And I wake, but not enough to really wake up, so the dream is still waiting for me when I doze off again - slightly different in shape, but the same feeling behind it. Over and over again, I face scorn, derision and disgust.

And there must be something wrong with me, because when I wake up - properly wake up - I feel nothing but relief for my torment.

Because they were just ordinary dreams. Ordinary nightmares.

No dreamspace.

No mate.

Vantos is awake before me, and when he sees me sit up, he glances in my direction.

He doesn’t hold my gaze for long, as if afraid of what he’ll see there.

I climb out of bed and pad over to him, still dressed in my pyjamas and barefoot.

He’s all ready to get started on our trek home, fully dressed and packing his large bag with all his supplies.

I wonder if he thinks he’ll be leaving me here, travelling back alone.

God, I’m so glad he doesn’t have to do that.

Not just for me, for him. I can’t bear the thought of him traipsing back to his village without me.

I tap his arm to get his attention. It takes him a moment to turn to me, and I don’t think I’m imagining the hesitancy in his expression, or the relief I see when I shake my head and smile.

And I know it doesn’t really change anything, not long term, but I can’t stop myself embracing him, sliding past his guard to wrap my arms around him and breathe his scent deep into my lungs.

He doesn’t respond at first, but then his arms go around me, holding me close. And it’s so perfect. I feel so safe and happy, I wish I could just be frozen in this moment for the rest of eternity, Vantos’ arms around me. But I have to let him go, have to draw back.

I look to the pack.

“You want to get going soon, huh?” I say, then go back to my room, pulling out my clothes and getting changed.

I’m careful as I put my pyjamas in the bag, making sure my present stays wrapped up safe.

It’s such a beautiful little thing. It’s probably silly, unnecessary to bring it back with me, but when Darran’s healer, Faltok, gave it to me, I fell in love with it.

I never owned something so beautiful before.

And not just beautiful - useful. My very own healing tool.

Sure, it’s just for crushing herbs, probably not very valuable, but it felt like being recognised.

Faltok showed me his healer’s hut - how he laid out all his herbs and supplies.

It looked very similar to Shemza’s and I wonder if there is some sharing of knowledge and training going on between the tribes, or that there used to be, and whoever trained Shemza was trained with Faltok.

I like that idea. Everyone working together for the betterment of the tribes. So not like bottom tier living.

I tie up my bag and bring it to Vantos, setting it down beside his in a show of readiness.

Vantos nods, then gestures for me to head out of the hut.

I think we’ll have breakfast with Darran’s tribe, then start heading back.

Vantos will want to give Gregar the good news as soon as possible, and it will take a few days for Darran’s tribe to organise moving everything they have across the forest.

I feel more relaxed sitting at the fire this morning.

I don’t look at all the unfamiliar raskarran faces as threats anymore.

A few of them look at me with slightly disappointed smiles, and I feel bad for them, I do.

But there are lots of lovely girls in our group, and I hope they mate happily to one of them. Just not me.

Because if I can’t have Vantos, I don’t want anyone.

Maybe that feeling will change in time. Maybe I’ll look back on this trip with fondness but distance, my heart opening up to the idea of letting someone else in.

I know it’s possible. When Jeremy smashed my heart to pieces, it felt like I would never be able to love anyone else again.

But Vantos crept up on me, with his serious expression and stubborn devotion to his duty.

His gentle manner, so different to his warrior’s exterior.

And it seems a stupid thing to say about someone I can’t even talk to, but I am the stupid one, and I do love him. I really do.

Darran gifts us with supplies for the return journey - more bland meal bars, but also some roots and dried meats that will make our evening meals a little more exciting. Vantos thanks him with typical solemnity, and I have to bite my tongue not to giggle.

God, I love him so much.

The thought deflates me, though, and as we start our journey away from the village - escorted to the boundary by Calran and a few other members of Darran’s tribe - I’m quiet.

Vantos talks with the other raskarrans, and I try to listen in, pick out a few words, but the growling language is incomprehensible to me this morning.

Finally, we arrive at the boundary to Darran’s lands. Vantos bids farewell to the other raskarrans, gripping their arms in a brotherly kind of gesture. Calran takes my arm as well, gripping it with utmost gentleness.

Then we’re walking again. Alone. Vantos walks at a steady pace, not the almost punishing pace he used to make sure we had plenty of time in the evenings to relax together. To touch each other.

Because he doesn’t want to do that anymore. Right.

I follow silently behind him. I don’t know if it’s my low mood, or just bad timing, but the metal taste in the back of my mouth is stronger today.

I want to spit it out, but I know it won’t make a damn bit of difference.

I try to focus on my feet, take my mind off the growing tightness in my stomach.

When we stop for lunch, I’m not that hungry, but I force myself to eat. Sometimes it makes the sickly feeling go away. Sometimes it just makes my stomach churn. Today is one of those days.

But Vantos isn’t exactly being chatty. Okay, he’s never chatty, but he’s definitely less engaged with me than he has been.

Before getting to Darran’s village, I felt like his attention was always on me.

Now, it’s like he’s doing his best not to look at me.

Which sucks, but also makes it a little easier to hide how awful I’m feeling.

The morning sickness fades, as it usually does, around mid-afternoon.

Go figure. By then, I’m in a plain old bad mood, so when Vantos keeps walking, even after the sun has started going down, I figure it’s probably for the best. I don’t want him to see that I’m unhappy, and the longer we keep moving, the more tired I’ll be.

I can just go to sleep and not have to sit with him, remembering how nice it was to sit enveloped in his arms.

Go to sleep in the very small tent. Right.

I only have myself to blame, I know this.

I should have known that I wouldn’t be able to just enjoy our time together in a disconnected sort of way.

Should have thought a little bit harder about how Vantos would never want me long term.

No matter how good he made me feel when he touched me, he was always going to put me down once we got back home.

Because I’m not his linasha, and that means I am not enough for him.

The prospect of me mating to one of Darran’s tribe reminded him of that, and now he can’t see me the same way. That hurt in my chest, the feeling like my heart is physically tearing apart? I invited that in when I willfully ignored that this was always going to happen sooner or later.

By the time we stop to set up camp, I’m on the edge of tears.

I want to go to Vantos, to curl up in his arms and let myself believe that things don’t have to be this way.

But I’ve got to live in the real world. I let the fantasy of Jeremy take over my whole life back home.

I can’t make that mistake here. So while Vantos sets up the tent, I go through his bag, looking for a meal bar.

It tastes even more bland and chewy than normal, sitting heavy in my stomach, but it means Vantos doesn’t have to cook, and I can just go to bed. Sleep.