Page 76 of Mates for the Raskarrans #1-6

CHAPTER THREE

Rachel

V antos only manages a few mouthfuls of his meal.

I get the impression he would have kept going, kept trying to force the food down as long as I kept feeding it to him, but I could see how much he was struggling.

It reminded me of what Grace said to Lorna while we were travelling - to eat little and often until she had her strength back.

When the stomach has been empty for a while, it can respond badly to being fed too much, apparently.

Vantos has been unconscious for several days.

I don’t want him to force it down, only to bring it all up later.

I clean up the bowl, setting it down on the side to dry.

My fingers tremble a little, and I don’t know if it’s because of the fright Vantos gave me, snarling like that, or if it’s because of the strange intimacy of feeding him.

Either way, the big warrior affects me more than any of the other raskarrans I’ve interacted with.

I suppose it’s only natural. He did save my life.

When Shemza returns with Grace, he takes over Vantos’ care, making up a milky-looking drink from some of the herbs in his store. He shows us the process, then mimes sleeping.

“A sleeping aid,” Grace says. “That could be useful for some of the girls. Molly has some terrible nightmares, and I suspect she’s not the only one.”

“You’ve seen Molly today?”

She sees one of the girls each day, going over them with Shemza, giving them a full checkup.

She did Sally first, even though she’s not one of us who’ve just arrived.

She’s about to burst, though, near term with her pregnancy, so Grace wanted to do her first, and Liv agreed.

Then it was Liv herself, as she’s now expecting.

“No, Ellie. I wanted to get her alone. Make sure she’s okay.”

“About Anghar?” I’m surprised. I thought it was plain to see that Anghar is devoted to her. Just as Jaskry is devoted to Sally and Gregar is devoted to Liv. Jealousy flares in my stomach. I wish I had someone so devoted to me.

But you’re damaged goods, aren’t you, Rachel? Mama’s voice says. No one will want you when they know you’re carrying someone else’s child.

You don’t know that, I try to tell myself. Try to drown out that nasty voice. You don’t know.

Grace gives a little shrug. “I don’t think he has any bad intentions towards her. But it must be a lot to take in. And she was alone with him all that time.” She shakes her head. “I was concerned over nothing, it turns out. She’s ridiculously happy.”

“Who’s up next?”

“I probably should do Molly next, but...” Grace sighs. “I think perhaps I’ll leave it a few more days. I’m trying to build a bit of trust with her.”

I remember that Grace opted to live with Molly. I wondered why she didn’t choose Lorna, given that they spent the most time together out of anyone. I guess Lorna doesn’t need fixing anymore, and Molly is Grace’s next project.

“Why do you want Molly’s trust in particular?”

“Because she might be telling everyone that she’s eighteen, but if that girl’s a day over fifteen, I’d be amazed.

She shouldn’t have been eligible for the lottery in the first place.

There’s a story there, and besides, she’s just a kid.

I know you grow up fast on bottom tier, but kids need a parent, or a parental figure.

I figure maybe I can be that for her. If she wants me to be. ”

“I don’t think it was so hard to cheat the lottery system,” I say.

“Well, no. Liv did it.” Grace sighs. “But still, why? Why Molly? Maybe it’s nothing sinister, but it would be good to know that.”

I nod, unsure what else to say.

“You should come with me on the next one, learn about the checks we’re doing. I’ll ask around the girls, see if there’s anyone who doesn’t mind having all four of us along.”

“All four?”

“Sally has to come, too. To translate. It’s not ideal, but what else can we do?” Grace’s expression brightens. “Of course, you’ll need a checkup, too. That’s a better idea. We do your checkup, and I can talk you through the process as we go.”

Bile rises in my throat at the thought, intense panic assaulting my already sensitive stomach. But I can’t exactly say no.

“Um, okay, if you’re sure there’s nobody more urgent…”

Grace smiles. “I don’t think anyone’s in a rush to get checked out. It gives the others another day to settle in. Not all of them are adapting as well as you have.”

Adapting. Right. More like doing whatever I can to fight back the constant fear I have of my own body. But if nothing else, this checkup is a chance to finally ask Grace the questions I need to ask. To get my fears assuaged once and for all.

Or have them confirmed.

The next morning, Shemza takes me out a little way from the village to go hunting for herbs.

We need more of many of our herbs and roots, but especially envida tree bark.

Vantos chewed through most of our supply yesterday.

As we walk, Shemza tests me on my knowledge, miming different ailments and waiting for me to answer with treatments.

Most of the time, the answer could be djenti berries - they’re a good all rounder, aiding healing of most minor injuries and illnesses - but there are other herbs and remedies that are more specifically for targeting certain illnesses, and these are the answers he’s looking for.

He rubs a hand against his temple. Headache.

The envida tree bark I gave to Vantos yesterday is a good all round painkiller, and djenti berries crushed in water do the double duty of hydrating you - according to Grace, a major cause of headaches is dehydration - and giving your whole body a healing boost. But envida tree bark works best on muscle pain, like a twisted ankle or a strained back, and djenti berries aren’t actually painkillers at all.

They reduce the pain of wounds by speeding their healing.

They don’t block the pain signals from coming through.

I try to picture all the different things Shemza has shown us.

It comes to me slowly, a fragment at a time. Tea. Something to do with tea.

“Oh! chosta flower leaves,” I say, “Um, chosta. Skell. Akashin. ”

I mime taking a careful sip, as if my imaginary drink is hot.

Shemza grins, flashing his fangs. He’s not a joker like the brothers Maldek and Rardek, rarely smiling so wide.

But he always gives me that smile when I get something right.

It makes me flush with pleasure every time.

I know it’s a bit pathetic. I’m like a little kid, eager to please.

But I’ve always been told I’m useless, stupid.

Getting something right for the first time in my life - it’s a heady feeling.

But more than that, I’m delighted to be proving myself in some way worthy. If I can show that I bring value to the tribe, that I have something to offer - a way to alleviate the burden I put on them - maybe I don’t need to worry so much about being pregnant.

You don’t know. The words repeat in my mind like a mantra. You don’t know.

I don’t know. But if I am… If I am, I need to work twice as hard. Prove my worth twice over.

I tap Shemza’s shoulder. Gesture for him to keep testing me.

He tests me on several different ailments. I forget that it’s vella flowers that are particularly good for toothache - can’t chew bark when your teeth hurt - and it takes me a couple of guesses before I land on focha root for rashes and insect bites, but overall I’m pleased with my performance.

Then, while we’re collecting flowers in a little clearing where they grow abundantly, I spot some pretty yellow blooms. Most of the flowers here grow on vines.

These are the first I’ve seen that grow up out of the ground on stalks.

They remind me a little of the daffodils Jeremy always had in his office.

A stab of pain lances through my chest at the thought of him, and I rub at it absently. Shemza taps on my shoulder, then taps his chest.

“Hurt?” he asks.

He’s learned a few of our words already. The ones most relevant to him.

I shake my head. “Just heartache, you big sweetie. Don’t think there’s a root or flower out here for that.”

He gives me a bemused look, but nods, returning his attention to the roots he’s gathering. I tap on his shoulder and point to the jungle daffodils.

“Good?” I ask, our way of asking if something is useful.

He shakes his head.

“Bad?” I mime itching my skin.

He’s amused by my antics, almost smiling. He shakes his head again.

“Okay, then,” I say, and slice the stalks, collecting them up, a little bouquet.

Shemza gives me a questioning look.

“You’ll see,” I say, patting his arm.

When we get back to the village with baskets full of supplies, I recruit a few of the others to help prep everything.

The roots need to be cleaned, the various parts of the chosta plant separated off into different pots, the herbs gathered and tied, ready to hang in the medical hut to dry.

It takes forever when it’s just me, but with Hannah and Mattie to help, it goes quickly.

They don’t seem to mind helping. I think they like having someone tell them what to do.

Us bottom tier girls haven’t ever had to make decisions for ourselves. It’s exhausting trying to do it now.

Lorna watches from the sidelines, her injured hand still strapped up and too stiff for fiddly work. Her lips are pressed thin, and I know she’s frustrated to be so useless.

At least for you, it will get better with time, I want to tell her. For me, it’s only going to get worse.

You don’t know.

But the protesting voice can’t even work up any strength of feeling. Not with my check up with Grace looming.

“Need any more help?” Khadija asks, dropping into a seat beside Mattie.