Page 9

NINE

JERRYN

Sitting across from Bane at my favorite restaurant, pretending to look at the menu even though I always order the same thing, feels different from most of our nights out, but I can’t put my finger on why.

Maybe it’s just the leftover excitement from the exhibit that has me feeling that way. Whatever it is, it’s nice.

Bane studies his menu, glancing up at me. “Are you getting the parmesan crusted chicken and fettuccine?”

I nod happily. “Of course. You?”

“Might get the pasta special. Sounds good.”

“Can I have a bite?”

“Dumb question.” He winks at me as he sets his menu down. “Not gonna lie, the exhibit was fun. I’m really glad we did it.”

“Me too. It was great.”

“Did you learn anything you didn’t know?”

“No.”

Bane chuckles. “I guess it was just a different way to see it all.”

“Exactly. I always get something out of the various ways the information is presented, you know? Tonight was really cool. It felt like we were there.”

Bane nods, fiddling with his napkin. “It did. It must have been so scary.”

“Definitely.” I glance around for a second. “You know, if you and I were on the Titanic and I found a door to lay on, I would make room for you.”

Bane grins. “I would do the same for you.”

“And if there wasn’t room, I would make you find a place where you could live too.”

Bane tilts his head. “Yeah?”

“You have to survive. We both do.”

“You’re still really mad at Rose about that, aren’t you?”

“I’m mad at both of them.”

“You’re Team She Dies at the End, right?”

“I just like that ending. Maybe it was a dream, but I’d like to think that reliving the whole experience was a sort of closure for her and that Jack was waiting in the place they met before tragedy struck.”

“Let’s go with that.”

Our server appears and Bane orders for us, choosing a bottle of wine to go with the food.

“Ooh, we’re having wine. Fancy.”

Bane just smiles, leaning back in his chair. He is, hands down, the most attractive man I’ve ever seen, and I can’t count how many times I’ve wondered what it would feel like to run my hands over his lean body just to see if a different kind of spark could ignite.

I never do it though, because it’s unfair to him. He doesn’t deserve a guy who has to wonder whether he could be excited about sex. With a man who looks like Bane, that should be a no brainer.

It’s not that I never feel desire. I do. I’ve even had moments of it around Bane. I’m curious about it too. I often wonder what it would be like to be physical with a man like him, but I don’t do anything about it.

The funny thing is, if I asked Bane to help me experiment, he’d do it, regardless of how awkward it would be for him. He’d do anything for me.

“What’s on your mind?” he asks.

I start to answer with my default “nothing,” but this is Bane, and I don’t keep secrets from him. Not often, anyway.

“I found this workshop online about the spectrum of sexuality.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Oh yeah?”

“They talk about some terms I’ve heard before but don’t really understand. Maybe I’ll learn something.”

Bane nods. “Yeah, maybe. When is it?”

“Next week.”

“Do you want company?”

I shake my head. “Not for this one, but thanks.”

Bane studies me for a second before asking, “What kind of terms are they covering?”

I feel my cheeks warming, but if I can’t open up to Bane, who can I talk to? “Demisexual was one. Asexual. Something called gray-asexual. There were some others too. I guess I wonder if I might be on some kind of spectrum that I’m not aware of.”

“I thought you looked into asexuality before and it didn’t resonate.”

“True, but those other ones are new to me. I figure it doesn’t hurt to check it out.”

“No, of course not.” He reaches across the table to hold my hand. “Just remember, it doesn’t matter where you fall. There’s nothing wrong with you.”

I nod, chewing on my bottom lip. I want to believe him, but it’s hard after the dating experiences I’ve had.

“Thanks, Bane.”

“Is this because of seeing Alec again?”

“No, not at all. I just want…” I pause as the server appears with our wine, waiting while he opens it and fills our glasses.

“Go on,” Bane says once the server is gone.

“I’ve been thinking.” I take a sip of my wine, if anything just to stall what I’m about to say. “Have you thought about going back on the apps?”

“Apps?”

“Dating apps.”

Bane’s expression falls before a deep crease appears across his forehead. “What? Why would you ask me that?”

“I guess I feel like maybe you’re not dating to keep me company.”

He literally rolls his eyes. “Come on, Jerr. You know me better than that.”

“It’s been on my mind a lot lately. We’ve seen every one of our friends fall in love recently, and I think you deserve that kind of happiness too.”

He levels me with his signature glare, the one that comes closest to causing a flutter in my stomach.

“Jerr, spending time with you, doing the things we enjoy does make me happy. If I wanted more or different, I would go get it. I have to ask… is this about you wanting to get back out there and date?”

I almost choke on my own breath. “No.”

“So you’re just worried about me?”

I nod, staring at my wine.

“Look at me.”

I lift my gaze.

“Trust me, I’m happy. I’m very content with my life. You’re not in my way in the slightest, and there’s no one else I’d rather spend my free time with. If that changes, I’ll handle it.”

I know him well enough to hear the authenticity in his voice. “Okay.”

“And I’m trusting you to be honest with me too,” Bane continues. “If you want to get out there and see who’s available, then you should do that.”

I can’t tell him that the only reason I would ever do that is so he doesn’t worry about me after he finds his own partner.

“I don’t want to. I’m going to the workshop to understand myself better, that’s all.”

“Then we’re good, right?” He squeezes my hand, smiling sweetly at me. “This works for us?”

I nod, feeling my mood lift. It’s probably wrong that I want all his time and attention, but if he wants it this way too, that’s okay, right?

“Yeah, we’re good.”

“Perfect. Let’s enjoy dinner, then later we can hang out and maybe find a movie or something.”

“Okay.”

“Actually, we should rewatch Titanic . That would be fitting for tonight.”

“You would do that?”

“Hell yeah, I would. I think it’ll be fun to see how different it is after seeing the exhibit tonight.”

“That sounds great.”

Our food is delivered and we dig in, but as I swirl pasta around my fork, I meet his eyes.

“You’re amazing, Bane.”

“So are you, Jerr.”

Maybe if I figure out how I work and what makes me tick, I could find a way to be the kind of guy Bane could be romantically interested in.

We have all the other aspects of a great relationship, we just need the physical.

I have to give it a shot, because I don’t see how there could be another guy out in the world better for me than my best friend.