Page 5

FIVE

JERRYN

The bar inside the hotel is packed, so it takes me several minutes to locate Alec, and when I see him, my stomach does an unpleasant flip.

I haven’t actually seen his face since the night I ended things, and all I can see right now is his scowl as he verbally picked me apart.

How I ended up willingly meeting him is a mystery.

He’s looking down at his phone, chuckling at something on the screen, but when he notices me, he drops his phone and stands.

“Jerryn.”

“Hey, Alec.”

Alec steps forward, awkwardly hugging me before letting me go and gesturing toward the empty chair across from the small round table.

“Thanks for meeting up.”

“No problem.” I take a seat, fidgeting a bit as I settle into my chair. “How was your flight?”

Alec shrugs, leaning back in his seat. “Long but fine.”

He looks different. Thinner, for sure, and he’s growing a beard that doesn’t quite fit his face in my opinion.

His blond hair is cut shorter than it was, but still swoops into his face to frame his blue eyes.

He was never my type, but he was nice to me when we first met, and I convinced myself I’d find him attractive over time.

I did, to some extent, just not the way he hoped. I guess the way we both hoped.

“That’s good.”

“Yeah.”

A server comes up to the table. “Welcome,” he says. “What can I get you?”

“Whatever you have on tap.”

“Be right back.”

Sitting across from Alec is surreal. I never thought I’d see him again, and now that I have, I have no idea what to say.

“I’m really glad you came out. I thought about calling a few times.” He chuckles, rubbing his scruffy chin. “More than a few times, but a phone call didn’t seem right.”

“Right for what?”

“For the apology you deserve.”

I sit back. I wasn’t expecting that.

“I’ve thought a lot about the things I said to you, and I feel bad. I was a total dick and you didn’t deserve it.”

“Um…” Before I can say more, the server returns with my drink. I stare at it, unsure what to say, but end up with “It was a long time ago.”

“Doesn’t make it okay. Maybe you don’t care or ever think about it, but I do. I guess you could say I’ve done some personal work on myself.”

“That’s good.”

Alec takes a sip of his beer, nodding. He stares at the table for a few seconds before looking up at me. “Have you and Bane…” He shakes his head. “Are you still…?”

“What? Am I still friends with him? Of course. He’s my best friend.”

“Just your best friend?”

I roll my eyes. “Oh come on, Alec. Are you still insisting there’s more between us?”

“It’s not like that. It’s not coming from a place of jealousy, I swear.” He laces his fingers together, wringing his hands before he continues. “I met a guy about a year after you and I ended things.”

I nod. I’m not really interested in his dating life, but I suppose he has a reason for bringing it up.

“I really liked him. In fact, I fell pretty hard, and then I fucked it all up. Just like I did with you.”

“Oh.”

“I was jealous and sometimes mean-spirited. I said things I didn’t mean when I felt insecure.

I learned the hard way that I had some maturing to do, so I did the work.

I went to therapy and I read books and I really worked on myself so I never had to lose someone I cared about again because of being a dumbass. ”

I nod, taking a small sip of my drink.

“During all that reflection, naturally I thought about how things went down between us. I really cared about you, Jerr. I was falling for you.”

I bite my bottom lip and stay quiet.

“And I knew you would never return my feelings.”

“How could you know that?”

He smiles at me like he’s placating a child. “Because you’re already in love with someone else. You always have been, and I couldn’t compete with that.”

I scoff. “I’m not in love with Bane.”

Alec nods, studying my face. “I honestly don’t get it. I saw it with my own eyes, so I really don’t get how you guys don’t see it. Why do you think I hated Bane so much? Because I couldn’t match up.”

“It wasn’t a contest. Bane and I are close, but it’s not romantic.”

“Why?”

I swallow hard, tracing a trickle of water down my glass. “Because it’s not.”

“But why? Is it the sex thing?”

The question feels like a knife in the chest. “I’m not discussing my relationship with Bane. It doesn’t matter why.”

“But it kind of does, Jerr.” He leans closer, resting on his elbows. “I was a dick and I said some really shitty things to you, and I want you to know I’m truly sorry for that and for hurting you if I did.”

I nod. “Thanks.”

“But, Jerr, you have no chance of being in a relationship until you resolve your feelings for Bane.”

Now I’m irritated. “Like I said, there aren’t any feelings there. Not that kind.”

Alec nods, searching my eyes. “Are you sure that’s true for both of you? I know what it feels like to be in love with someone, and the way Bane looks at you… Man, if that’s not love, I don’t know what is.”

“You’re wrong.” I wish he wasn’t. I wish Bane could love me, but he knows why it would never work between us.

“Okay. I’ll let it go.”

“Thanks,” I mumble.

“But if I could leave you with this.”

I focus on him, noticing the sincerity in his expression. “Go ahead.”

“I took a chance reaching out to you because it mattered to me. I needed you to hear my apology for the way I treated you. I knew there was a good chance you’d tell me to fuck off and I accepted that.

Sometimes, when something really matters to you, you just have to take the chance.

At least then you know the outcome, instead of wondering the rest of your life. ”

His advice stings a little. I’ve often wondered what could be with Bane if I were a normal guy.

I’ve wondered if I could somehow make myself feel the things I hear and read about.

Could I find it in me to want his touch in a sexual way instead of the comfortable platonic affection we share now?

If I couldn’t, Bane would either be settling or he’d just tell me it won’t work.

Then it would be awkward. I’d hate that more than anything.

“Noted.” I offer Alec a stiff smile. “I hope you find someone again.”

Alec’s face lights up. “I have. Getting married in a few months if you can believe it.”

The news startles me, but I’m not sure why. Alec always wanted to settle down. Then I realize what it is. At almost forty-two, I gave up hoping for marriage a long time ago.

“That’s wonderful. Congratulations.”

“Thanks. He’s well worth the journey it took to get to him, and I’m so happy. I want that for everyone I care about, you included.”

“I appreciate that. All of this, actually. Thanks for reaching out.”

“Thanks for accepting.”

I can tell from his expression he has more to say. “What?”

He leans closer. “You know the sex thing didn’t bother me, right? Because I enjoyed your company on many levels. I know I said some stuff…”

I nod. “Yeah, I know.”

“Anyone who’s worth a damn will understand that too. You’re not less than anyone else, Jerr.”

My eyes sting a little, but I blink back the emotion building there. “Thanks.”

Alec squeezes my hand. “Just remember that. There’s a guy out there who will love you the way you are. He might be closer than you think.”

After leaving the bar, I sit in the back of my rideshare, staring at the lights and buildings as we pass and replaying the conversation.

I appreciate Alec’s apology, even though the things he said hardly mattered to me anymore—they just added to the pile of unkind words I’ve gathered up over the years.

But at least he felt bad about it. Bad enough to reach out.

When we arrive at Moby’s, I exit the car, taking a deep breath before stepping inside. It’s quieter now since it’s almost eight on a Monday night, but there are still quite a few tables with people eating at them.

I scan the restaurant, looking for Bane and finding him talking to a couple of guys by the dart boards. I head to the bar where Indy and Salem are folding some t-shirts for the merch wall.

“Hey, guys.”

Salem smiles. “You’re back. How was it?”

“It was fine.”

Bane’s strong hands clamp onto my shoulders from behind, massaging gently. “Hey.”

I twist my neck, trying to see his face. “Hey.”

Bane steps in front of me, searching my eyes. “Are you okay?”

I nod. “Yeah. I’ll tell you more later, but it was fine.”

“Good. I don’t have to go beat anyone’s ass?”

I laugh softly. “Nope.”

As Bane holds my gaze, Alec’s words replay in my head, but I push them away.

If Bane was in love with me, he’d tell me.

That’s the kind of guy he is. He doesn’t sit on the sidelines, he goes for what he wants, and he’s never made a play.

So that settles it. He sees me as a close friend and that’s it.

Besides, he needs an active sex life, and I can’t give him that, though if I had a genie in a bottle, it would be my only wish.

If I could fix that part of my life, maybe I could be a good partner for Bane.

But there’s no such thing as genies.

“Sure you’re alright?” Bane asks, brushing his fingers across my cheek.

I stuff it all down like I always do. “Perfect.”