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“Yes,” Jae says. “It’s more common than people think. We’re not fixed in one state. Just like our interests and tastes can change, so can our attractions and how we identify.”

The man nods, rubbing the back of his neck like he’s nervous, but he continues.

“I was married for sixteen years to a woman. We have three kids, and until two years ago, I would’ve told you I was just an average straight guy, but I always felt like something wasn’t right.

My friends were obsessed with women’s body parts, and I just didn’t feel that way.

Sex for me wasn’t about the physical side.

It was…” He shrugs as his cheeks turn red. “Just the thing you did.”

Jae nods. “What changed?”

“I was on a business trip and went to the hotel bar by myself to have a drink before bed. There was this guy at a table scrolling on his phone and ignoring the world around him, but I couldn’t take my eyes off him.

My marriage at that point was fine, but it was dull.

Bland. We didn’t have sex anymore, but I was okay with that.

I didn’t stray or cheat or even think about it.

I approached the guy and asked if I could join him, and he said yes. ”

The whole room is silent, listening intently.

“We talked until three in the morning,” the man says.

“We sat on the rooftop deck and gazed at the stars and talked about everything. We held hands, and for the first time in my whole life, I had butterflies in my stomach. I wanted to touch him, kiss him. I was experiencing real attraction.” He drops his head for a second. “At fifty-two years old.”

Jae and Toni listen with kind expressions.

“I freaked out,” he continues. “I never saw myself as being attracted to men, and I didn’t understand how I never realized it until then.”

“It’s more common than you think,” Toni says.

He nods, briefly glancing around. “I went home and told my wife about it. She didn’t take it well even though all I did was hold hands with him.

She kicked me out, and I went to a hotel and I called him.

He flew out to see me and we spent the weekend—” His voice cracks and he clears his throat.

“I learned a lot about myself that weekend.” The man slides his hands into his front pockets.

“The problem is I haven’t felt that since.

That kind of attraction to a person. So I guess my question is was it just something about that guy, and if it’s not, why am I not attracted to other men? Or women?”

“That’s a complex question,” Jae says. “There’s any number of reasons. I’m attracted to women sexually, but not all women. I still have preferences. Those don’t go away regardless of your sexuality.”

“Right.” He nods. “That makes sense.”

“You could also fall into the gray-ace category,” Jae continues. “Where maybe your attraction lies more with men than women, but it’s still inconsistent.”

“What happened with the hotel guy?” Dylan asks.

“He lives in another state, but we’re still friends.”

“Cool,” Dylan says.

“How do I decide?” the man asks Jae and Toni. “How do I know?”

“Experience is helpful,” Toni says. “You may find your attraction is more specific. Like there was something about the man you met that was appealing, but since you don’t know what that is, you’re still waiting to feel it again. That’s okay.”

“Everything is okay.” Jae nods as he glances around the room. “As long as everyone is consenting, then however your sexuality defines itself is okay.”

“And also,” Toni says, “you don’t have to choose a label. Some people find it helpful in understanding their identity, while others don’t need it, and are more open to whatever.”

“And if you choose a label,” Jae continues, “It doesn’t have to be fixed.

Five years ago I would’ve told you I was a masc lesbian, but that’s not where I’m at anymore.

My gender shifted, and my sexuality shifted too.

I’m gender-fluid, and while I’m primarily attracted to female presenting people, I don’t use the term lesbian anymore as I’ve had experiences with people who are not female presenting or assigned female at birth. ”

“What term do you use?” another person asks.

“Queer,” Jae answers. “It works for me.”

The man nods.

“I’m a bisexual woman,” Toni says. “It took me a long time to get there because while I always felt the term woman applied to my gender, my sexuality was very confusing to me for a long time. I’m aesthetically attracted to men and masculinity, but for physical and romantic relationships, I’m drawn to women and female presenting people. ”

“Can you explain more?” a woman asks.

Toni nods. “Of course. I grew up believing I was straight because I dated men and wasn’t repulsed by them or their parts, even though I knew I was very attracted to women and feminine presentations. I didn’t know I could be something besides very straight or very gay.”

I see a few people nod in agreement around the room.

“And then I had my first sexual experience with an AFAB person. Assigned female at birth. It changed my whole world. I dated women after that, and the experience was just mind-blowingly different. I came to understand that men and masculinity have a certain appeal for me. I describe it as aesthetic, nice to look at, but that’s all.

So lesbian doesn’t fit for me, but someone with the exact same experience might choose it. It’s individual.”

The man who asked the initial question thanks them and sits down while Toni and Jae answer more questions.

It’s very validating to know so many people have had similar experiences to mine.

Maybe Bane is right, and there’s really nothing wrong with me.

I’m just wired a little differently than most. I’m in a different spot on the spectrum.

I get the nerve up to ask the question bouncing around my head, slowly raising my hand.

“Yes?” Jae says, pointing at me.

“Let’s say a person is gray-ace and demi.”

Jae nods.

“How would they know if the way they feel about a person is romantic attraction or just…” I shrug. “Friendship?”

Jae’s expression softens like she knows exactly what I’m talking about.

“It’s hard to answer without knowing all the details, but I would say it’s important to note the difference in those feelings with one person versus with other people.

If you have a friend, and think you may have some physical or romantic interest but you’re unsure, then pay attention to how you feel around other friends. ”

I never feel things with the guys. “That makes sense. One more question?”

“Of course.”

“If you’re demisexual, could it take twenty years for the emotional bond to morph into something else?”

“There’s no time limit,” Jae says. “Of course, it’s possible there were always feelings, but maybe they weren’t understood before, or the person experiencing them wasn’t in a place to embrace it yet.”

“I’ve certainly been surprised by romantic feelings for a friend in the past,” Toni says.

A few people chuckle in agreement.

“Thank you.” I sit down slowly, replaying the conversations in my head. I want to go home and see Bane. I want to tell him that I think I might finally understand myself. It only took forty-two years.

After the presentation ends, Dylan puts his hand on my arm. “Good luck with your friend.”

I start to brush off the implication, but I can’t. Maybe I really should tell Bane all the things in my head, not just about my sexuality.

The idea sends a surge of panic through me.

Bane means too much to me to risk what we have, and even if I told him that sometimes I feel hints of sexual attraction towards him, how lame is that?

Asking a guy like Bane to settle for a lackluster sex life is ridiculous.

I’d rather keep things just like they are than blow up the most important relationship in my life.

“Take care,” is what I say back to Dylan as I pull my phone out to order a ride home. There’s a text waiting for me from Bane.

Bane: Slow tonight. I’m already at home. Ridley, Salem, and Indy are closing up. Come to my room when you get home. I want to hear all about tonight.

Smiling, I type back a response.

Me: Class just ended. Be there soon.

I’ll figure out what to tell him on the way home. He’ll be happy for me, like he always is, then we’ll pick a video game to play and cuddle on his couch, like so many nights before. Maybe that’s good enough for now.

Maybe it has to be.