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SEVENTEEN

JERRYN

It’s nearly closing time when it finally slows down enough for me to think about things with Bane.

He wants to date me. A smile tugs at my lips.

I’m more than a little surprised. All this time, I thought the worst thing I could do was indulge any feelings toward my best friend.

To hear him tell me he’s interested, even knowing what he does about me, is truly startling.

There was a time when all I wanted was to be an option for him.

How long ago was that? Ten years? Maybe more.

It was the night I came home after what was supposed to be a weekend at my boyfriend Paul’s apartment, but I only made it to Saturday afternoon before the subject of our sex life came up.

It turned into an argument that ended with Paul saying hurtful things and me riding the Link home with tears in my eyes.

I fill two water glasses with ice as the memory replays in my head.

Bane was at home playing a video game when I walked in.

Since he wasn’t expecting me, he was butt naked on the couch, but he was so concerned over why I was home early, he didn’t pause the game or even bother to cover up as he hurried over to me.

We talked until I fell asleep in his arms. He kept telling me I was a catch for the right guy, and in my heart, I wanted him to be the right guy so badly that it took a whole year before I went out on a date again.

But Bane was a different guy back then. He was using apps and hooking up pretty frequently.

I convinced myself that no matter how I felt about him, I was never gonna be the guy who could make him happy.

Not completely. So I blocked it out, kept him safely in the friend box, and focused on trying to find a suitable partner.

Funny that it led me right back to Bane.

His hands land on my shoulders, squeezing gently. “Hey.”

I turn my head slightly. “Hey. Let me drop off these waters.”

He nods, releasing me while I take the glasses over to my last table.

They’ve already paid and are waiting for a car to drive them back to their apartment.

The bar is in shutdown mode as tables get wiped down and tickets are closed out.

Soon we’ll stack the chairs on tables and mop the floor.

Ridley is already closing down the patio since no one’s out there.

Five customers linger, but Salem is great at shooing them towards the door in a friendly way.

I return to the bar area, where Bane is helping Jax by washing some glasses. He glances up, winking and smiling at me, and my stomach flutters. In less than an hour, we’ll be alone in his room. He’s gonna kiss me again.

And then… what? I don’t know. I know what I’m hoping for, but I don’t know if I’ll actually be able to execute. Maybe tonight will be one of those times when my body reacts to the action.

I lean on the bar, smiling at Bane. I’ve never told him about the brief moments when I do feel the things I hear about so much.

My dick gets hard, my body heats, and for those few wonderful minutes, I feel like a regular person.

I told a doctor years ago and he offered me meds.

That was not what I wanted. I wanted to know why I didn’t feel it, not how to keep my dick hard.

“Ready to get out of here?” Bane asks.

“Yep.”

“Cool.”

We walk to the back together to grab our jackets and double check that everything is done. We stayed longer than planned tonight because an unexpected large group came in for dinner. Normally, we stagger the times when everyone leaves, but the guys won’t be far behind us.

After a quick round of goodbyes, Bane and I walk out the front door and head towards home. My nerves kick up the closer we get, but I have to remember this is Bane. He’s my best friend above all else.

“I want to tell you something.”

Bane nods. “I’m all ears.”

“You said you wanted me to see you as an option.” I slide my hands into the pockets of my jacket. “It’s not that I don’t—or haven’t, I should say. It’s because I didn’t think there was any way you would…” I stop myself as the words feel like they’re tumbling from my mouth.

Bane grabs my hand, squeezing it gently and moving a little closer as we walk. “You can see it? Us as a couple?”

I nod, biting my bottom lip. “I had a crush on you for the longest time back when we were younger.”

Bane’s smile grows. “No way. You never let on even a little bit.”

“What was the point?”

“You outgrew your crush?”

“More like buried it. I think it’s been hard to reconcile what my brain wants and what my body does.”

“I get it.”

“You don’t. When you want to be with someone, you just can. You know you’ll get turned on at the right time and you’ll be able to perform, but I don’t know that. I don’t know if…” I stop myself again, blowing out a slow breath. “I’ll tell you the rest when we get home. I don’t want to out here.”

“No problem.”

Bane pulls me closer, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. It’s something he’s done a thousand times before, but it feels different now. Definitely feels like more.

We arrive at the house a few minutes later, removing our jackets and shoes before heading straight up to Bane’s room. I don’t know why we mostly hang in his space. Maybe because he invested more in his gaming setup, or maybe it’s because it smells like him—spicy and sexy.

“Want some hot chocolate?” he asks, already on his way to the kitchenette. He knows the answer.

“Yes, please.”

“Get comfy. I’ll be right over.”

I head to his couch, sinking into the soft, deep cushions. Lowen picked out amazing furniture for us to choose from, and Bane chose this cream chenille sectional, so it’s incredibly soft and comfortable enough to sleep on. I know, because we have, several times.

He’s back in a minute, tugging his shirt over his head and tossing it onto the back of the couch.

Instead of looking away like I normally do, I keep my gaze on him, taking in his lean muscles, the dark brown disks of his nipples, and the light dusting of brown hair on his chest down his stomach and below the waistline of his jeans.

He’s not looking at me yet, as he runs his fingers through his curly hair, but then he lifts his head and focuses his sultry gaze on me. My stomach flutters a little, and just as I open my mouth to confess more truths, the electric kettle clicks.

Bane smiles. “Be right back.”

He disappears around the corner and I sigh, leaning back.

When he comes back, I’m gonna be brave enough to tell him things I’ve kept to myself for a very long time.

I didn’t think it was important to tell him, since it never led to anything interesting, but if we’re really gonna move from friendship to romance, he should know.

He returns with two mugs of steamy chocolate goodness, handing me one as he sinks onto the couch right beside me. I blow into my mug, giving myself a few more seconds to compose my thoughts, and Bane, because he knows me so well, just waits quietly.

“So the reason asexual never fully resonated with me… Wait. I should maybe give some context.”

“Start wherever, Jerr. I’ll catch up.”

I nod, clutching my mug. “Right. Okay. I’ve never told you this because… I don’t know, it didn’t feel like it mattered, but now I think it kind of might.”

“Okay.”

“Sometimes, in rare situations, I do feel sexually attracted to something. Or someone, I guess.”

His eyes widen briefly with surprise, but then he nods. “No, you haven’t told me that. I thought it was never there.”

“It’s not frequent, but it does happen. Um, it happened when you kissed me.”

“It did?”

I nod, feeling the lump in my throat growing. “But it’s gone too quickly. I don’t know how to make it stay, but it does happen.”

“That’s awesome.”

“And in my mind, when it comes to certain people…” I shake my head. “No. I’m being weird.”

“You’re not. Just take your time.”

“Okay. If I’m honest, in my head, you’re the person I have those kinds of thoughts about.”

“Sexual thoughts?” he asks carefully.

I nod, looking at my mug instead of his handsome face. “I think you’re hot and sexy and visually very nice to look at.”

“Yeah?”

“That doesn’t happen with every guy, or even most guys. Like the ones I’ve dated. I’ve had to sort of convince myself to do physical things with them, but you…” I pause again, swallowing my nerves. This is Bane. I can tell him anything.

He puts his hand on my thigh, rubbing softly.

“You’re different,” I manage to say. “You’ve always been different. A long time ago, I would feel it more often, usually after a night of drinking and hanging out when you’d be extra touchy with me. We’d end up in your bed and you’d curl around me and I could feel…” I clear my throat. “You know.”

“You could feel my hard dick pressed up against you?”

My eyes widen and I laugh nervously. “Yeah.”

“And you’d wonder if I was just drunk or was I really turned on by you. Now you know.”

I nod, taking a sip of my drink. “Sometimes, I’d close my eyes and imagine it.”

“Imagine what, Jerr?”

“Touching you. I’d have this thought of wanting to, maybe even asking you if I could, but I was never brave enough. I didn’t want to get you worked up and not be able to see it through.”

“I had no idea.”

“I know. Eventually, I pushed those thoughts away because they were frustrating.”

“I get that.”

“And then I heard this term, gray-ace demi, and it was a lightbulb moment. It makes more sense to me now the way I feel around you sometimes. Our connection is safety for me, and safety allows me to explore. It allows my body to be free.”

“Jerr, that’s incredible.” He puts his mug on the coffee table before taking mine and doing the same. “I feel incredibly honored.”

“Honored?” I scoff. “Come on, Bane. I’m still not like most guys. I can’t get hard whenever I want to, and I can’t count on those fleeting moments.”

“Maybe, and I’m just spitballing here, maybe the safer you feel with me the more it grows.”

“How could I feel any safer with you?”

“This is a new aspect of our relationship. Of course you’re gonna have some insecurity, but I’m here to help you through that.

” He holds my hands in his. “I know this is hard for you to believe, but you’ll get there eventually.

This isn’t about sex for me. It’s about the feelings I’ve had for way too long that I want to let out.

I want to treat you better than any guy you’ve ever met.

Whatever we do or don’t do together physically, we’ll navigate it together. ”

“I know. I wanted you to know so you had some expectations.”

“I’m glad you told me. Anything else on your mind?”

“A million things.” I laugh.

“Anything you want to talk about right now?”

I shake my head. “No.”

“Okay. How about I find a movie to watch?”

That doesn’t sound fun at all. I know what I want to do, I just have to tell him. “How about we make out instead?”

“I like your idea much better.”

Bane scoots closer until he’s between my legs. His hand slides around the back of my neck, and as he bends his head to kiss me, I close my eyes, waiting to experience the most amazing feeling again. Just before our lips meet, I whisper another hidden thought of mine.

“Touch me wherever you want, Bane.”

“Fuck,” he whispers, finally brushing his lips over mine. “You sure?”

“Very.”

Our lips meet, and I exhale softly, flicking my tongue out to taste the chocolate lingering on his. For once, I need to get out of my head and experience the physical part of what’s happening.

I can do this, and more importantly, I want to. If anyone can help me find the key I’ve been searching for all my life, it’s Bane.

There’s a gap between our bodies that won’t do. I want him to kiss me the way I’ve seen him kiss others. I don’t want him to treat me like I’m fragile, so I climb onto his lap, straddling his hips and wrapping my arms around his neck.

His breath catches as he deepens the kiss, murmuring my name against my lips.

His hands slide down my back and rest on the waistband of my jeans before sliding up under my t-shirt.

His hands are warm and strong, and I really want to feel them all over me.

Kissing Bane is so nice. It’s better than nice. It’s the kiss I’ve always wanted.

He tips me over, laying me down and climbing on top of me. His weight pressed into me is amazing, but even better, I can feel his cock swelling against my thigh. I turn Bane on. That’s wild.

His mouth moves to my neck, sucking and biting gently before he returns to my lips, but then he breaks the kiss, hovering just above me.

“We’re not doing anything tonight except kissing,” Bane whispers.

A sense of relief washes over me, and I feel the tension leave my body. I was in my head about what might happen next, and Bane freaking knew it.

“Even if I ask for more?”

“Even if you ask for more.” He smiles. “As far as I’m concerned, we have the rest of our lives to do whatever we want. We can take our time, and I want us to.”

“Really?”

“You’re not just some guy, Jerr. I’m not trying to nut and leave. I want to kiss you until we’re too tired to keep going. Until our lips hurt. That’s all I want.”

Reaching up, I stroke his cheek. “That sounds really amazing.”

“I think so too.”

I close my eyes as Bane presses into me again, wrapping my arms around him and truly experiencing what it’s like to have him close to me like this.

It’s way different from cuddling when he keeps a bit of space between us.

I always thought it was because he got hot—he’s like a furnace—but now I think it’s because he’s actually turned on by me. Amazing.

I move my hands up to tangle my fingers in his hair, mentally relaxing and pushing away thoughts about anything but what’s happening in this moment.

I can do this.