Page 15

FOURTEEN

BANE

My stomach flutters when the door to my room opens and I hear Jerryn shrugging off his coat before he steps completely into the living room. He smiles, but I can already tell there’s something major on his mind. He doesn’t have much of a poker face.

“Hey.”

I smile back at him, patting the couch beside me. “Hey.”

He shuffles over, plopping down and dragging his hand through his hair to get it off his forehead. I keep quiet, giving him space to talk, but when he’s silent for too long, I prod a bit.

“Are you okay?”

Jerryn nods. “Yeah. I think, um, I think I finally understand what’s going on with me.”

My eyes widen. I wasn’t expecting that from a community seminar. “Yeah? Tell me more.”

“It was really cool,” Jerr says, holding my gaze. “The instructors were great and the questions people asked helped too. This guy who sat next to me shared some of his experiences, and I felt normal for a change.”

“Normal? Jerr, that’s huge.”

“I know.” He smiles softly. “You’ve been telling me for years that there’s nothing wrong with me, but when you’re the only person you know who experiences things the way I do, it doesn’t feel okay.”

I nod, reaching over to hold his hand.

“Being in a room with people who get it was eye-opening. I’m not broken, I’m just in a different spot on the sexuality spectrum than other people are.”

“That’s amazing to hear. I’m so glad you see that you’re not less than anyone else.”

He shrugs. “Well, I wouldn’t go that far. I’m not broken, but I am different.”

“Different isn’t bad though.”

“Maybe.” He bites his bottom lip for a second. “They talked about this term… gray-ace demi. It resonated with me.”

“Explain it to me?”

Jerr nods. “Demisexual is when a person experiences attraction only after an emotional bond has been made. They wouldn’t be into one-night stands and never feel love at first sight.”

“Got it.”

“Ace is short for asexual, but combined with gray, it’s basically like a person can feel sexual attraction but it’s inconsistent, or not as intense, or over quickly. So a gray-ace demi person experiences infrequent or inconsistent sexual attraction after an emotional connection has been made.”

I nod, taking that all in. “That does sound like you.”

“I know.” He smiles. “When I heard it, it felt like I was meeting myself for the first time.”

“Mind blown. I’m so happy for you.”

“Thanks. I’m happy too. Just knowing that what I experience is something other people do too is really helpful. I can’t fix it, because it’s not broken. It’s just how I’m wired.”

“Right. I’m glad you see it now. You were never broken.”

He nods, but I still see the hesitation in his eyes. He’s holding something back.

“How do you feel now?”

“Different. Less burdened, I guess. But I want to research it more, see if I can understand what triggers that desire in me sometimes.”

“It might not be something you can put your finger on. Attraction is chemical.”

“But what if I—” He shakes his head, abruptly cutting himself off.

“Hey.” I put my hand on his thigh. “You know you can say anything to me.”

“I know.” He’s quiet for several moments, picking at the cuticle on his thumb. “I don’t want to be the only one who’s alone.”

“What?”

Jerr lifts his gaze. “Someday you’ll find someone. The other guys already have. I don’t want to be the weird single guy hanging around all the couples. I want to understand what makes me tick so I know what I have to offer someone.”

My jaw almost drops. He really doesn’t see me as an option at all, and I’m not sure how to get us there without blurting it out, which, again, I know how he’ll react.

He’ll think it’s in response to this conversation we’re having right now, and that I feel sorry for him.

He can’t see that my whole world revolves around him.

“I don’t see that happening. I don’t even date, Jerr.”

“But you should.”

I blow out a breath, trying to think my way through this, but all I’ve got is the truth.

“What if I don’t want to?”

Jerr tilts his head.

“What if I’m perfectly happy right now?”

“Well, that’s fine, but you might not be forever.”

“Why are we worried about the future and what may or may not happen?”

“You have a lot to offer someone, Bane.”

At least he can see that. “So do you.”

He shifts, half shrugging. “I want to tell you something, but I’m not sure how to say it or how you’ll take it.”

“Come on, Jerr. You know me. You can say whatever.”

He nods, staring at his hands folded in his lap. I can’t imagine what he could have to say that’s got him so twisted up.

He sucks in a breath and blows it out slowly. “Sometimes, rarely… I mean, just a few times, but it’s definitely happened…”

“Huh?”

Jerryn huffs. “Sorry. Give me a second.”

“Take your time.”

Jerryn shakes out his shoulders and twists his neck back and forth. “Okay. Remember what I said about the gray part of asexuality?”

“Um, yeah, infrequent or short-lived sexual attraction?”

He nods. “Sometimes I do get turned on.” Bright pink splotches burst onto his cheeks and neck as soon as the words are out of his mouth.

I nod, knowing he’s had a few sexual experiences in his life. “Yeah. Of course.”

I can tell from the way he fidgets and avoids eye contact that he has more to say, so I wait.

“What I mean to say is, um, when it happens, it’s gone quickly, and I wonder sometimes if I were more, um, open about it I guess, if it would stay longer.”

“Open about it?”

“Like, if I acknowledged it when it was happening. If I told the person causing it, would it help?”

“Oh, okay. That’s not what you do?”

He shakes his head. “I think I’m afraid to bring it up, and then it’s gone and I’ve disappointed the person.”

“If you’re with the right person that won’t happen.” I can promise him that.

“I’ve never been with the right person. I thought Alec…” His words trail off as he shakes his head. “You know.”

“He wasn’t the guy, Jerr. That’s all.”

“I know, but it’s scary because the only way I’ll know is by telling them.”

“I get that it’s scary, but isn’t it better to know sooner than later if the guy’s not the one?”

“Yeah.” He smiles, but it’s a sad one. “Still scary.”

“I know.”

“You don’t though, not really. You can empathize, but you’ve got everything going for you. You’ve never had to tell someone you’re into that you might disappoint them.”

“Fair, but I stick by what I said. If they don’t want you as you are, they aren’t the right person. Full stop.”

“Maybe.”

“Jerr.” I scoot a little closer, putting my hand on his cheek so he has to look at me.

“You’re not a disappointment, and it pisses me off to hear you say that about yourself.

You’re amazing. So kind and funny and smart.

You’re generous with your heart and you give it to your friends freely. You’re my best friend for a reason.”

Jerr’s eyes turn glassy as he reaches up and grabs my wrist. “ I wish…” He clears his throat, blinking rapidly. “Thank you.”

“I mean every word.”

“I know. I guess I should find it comforting that there are other people like me. Maybe I could date someone like that. Someone who understands, you know?”

I feel my heart sink, but I push it back to ask, “Is that what you want to do? You want to go out there looking for someone?”

If that’s what he wants, then I have to get out of his way.

“No.” He laughs softly. “Not really, but I don’t want to be the reason you don’t.”

“Jerr, I’m a grown man. You’re not keeping me from doing anything I want to do.

Have you ever considered that I’ve had more than my share of dating experiences?

I’m damn near forty-three years old, my first girlfriend was Ashley Elizabeth in the third grade.

My twenties are a blur of faces and people who came and went.

My thirties weren’t much better than that.

I know what’s out there, and I choose to be here at home with you. ”

He nods, his teeth digging into his bottom lip. “That’s fair.”

“You need to get that out of your head. I don’t want you out there dating because of some fear that I’ll abandon you. I would never.” He bites his thumbnail until I gently pull it away. “It’s you and me, Jerr. Always has been, always will be. No matter what.”

He holds my gaze, his eyes full of emotions I can’t quite sort out.

Then he totally shocks me, leaning in and pressing a kiss to my lips.

I freeze, unsure what’s causing this. The first and only time we kissed was nearly twenty years ago, shortly after we met when we were hanging out at a party.

We were drunk and dancing and other people were making out around us.

I let the mood get to me and went in for the kiss, only for Jerryn to panic and run off.

I didn’t know why then, but I promised him I wouldn’t do that again without his consent, and it was a drunken move.

This time, he most definitely initiated it, but given our charged conversation tonight, I’m not sure what’s behind it.

He moves back as quickly as he leaned in, his eyes wide. He opens his mouth to say something, but instead, he gets to his feet and he’s heading for the door before I can process everything.

Oh hell no. I get up and hurry across the room, grabbing his arm before he can leave.

“Wait.”

“Sorry, sorry.” He shakes his head, his eyes squeezed closed. “Sorry.”

“Stop saying that. Look at me.”

“No. Please, Bane.”

“Jerr.” I caress his cheek. “Open your eyes.”

He exhales in a huff, slowly peeling his eyelids open. “Sorr?—”

I put my fingers over his lips to stop him. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Want to tell me what’s going on though? ’Cause I’m really damn confused.”

He swallows hard, his expression completely wrecked. “I just wondered what it…” He huffs again.

“You wondered what it would be like to kiss me?”

He nods, avoiding my eyes again, but my heart flutters in my chest. He’s curious about kissing me? Fuck yeah.

“We can try again. I wasn’t expecting it, but if you want to know, it’s okay with me.”