Page 7

SEVEN

JERRYN

How the hell am I supposed to find someone to date when cuddling next to my best friend feels this damn good?

I hold in a long, dramatic sigh and instead tuck his arm closer to my chest. I don’t know why he indulges me and my cuddle sessions, but he always has, ever since we were still barely adults in college and I told him how all I really wanted was to be held while I fell asleep.

He offered that very night, and even though it was awkward at first, it quickly became my favorite thing.

I can’t count the number of times I’ve slept in his bed or he’s slept in mine, but it’s more than anyone I’ve ever actually been dating. Bane is… the perfect man. Not only is he insanely gorgeous, but he’s sweet and thoughtful and the best friend a guy could ask for.

And he’s pushing me to find love.

On some level I know it’s because he wants me to be happy, but it also confirms what I believe—I’m holding him back. He can’t find love if he’s spending all his nights with me. So just for tonight, I’m going to enjoy this, and tomorrow I’m going to do whatever it takes to get out of his way.

My chest tightens at the mere thought of losing Bane to someone else, but that’s selfish, and I need to step up and truly be his best friend. I need to look out for his best interests too, not just my own.

“Jerr,” Bane mumbles as his lips brush against the back of my neck. “You’re thinking too much.”

I chuckle softly. “How do you always know when I’m in my head?”

“Twenty years of experience. Something wrong?”

“No.”

“Liar.” He pulls me onto my back so I’m gazing up at him. His big brown eyes search mine with only the soft glow of his sound machine illuminating the darkness between us. “Talk to me.”

“I promise nothing’s wrong. I was just thinking about the stuff we talked about.” Up close like this, I’m reminded of how incredibly gorgeous my bestie is, and how thoughtful.

He reaches over and brushes my hair from my forehead. “Nothing has to be solved tonight. We should get some sleep.”

“Definitely.”

Bane bends and kisses my forehead. Every time he does that, my breath catches in my throat.

Maybe I wish he’d kiss me somewhere else, just to see what it feels like, or maybe I wish his soft affection meant more than it does.

He knows I need touch, and he provides it under his umbrella of friendship, but I’ve seen how he touches a lover.

I’ve watched him kiss men he’s dating and it’s not at all the way he kisses me.

In fact, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t find me physically attractive at all.

How could he sleep cuddled around me if he did?

I might be his perfect match in friendship, but I’m not what he wants romantically.

“You’re still thinking.” He smiles, brushing his fingers over my cheek. “We can talk it out if you need to.”

I shake my head. “I’m good. We should sleep.”

“Sweet dreams, Jerr.”

“You too.”

I turn to my side, curling up again, and as Bane scoots closer, draping his arm over me, I resolve to toughen up by morning. Bane deserves to find the love of his life, and I’m going to help him do it.

“I don’t think this is the right order.” I flip through the invoice pages to verify the order, but it doesn’t make sense. “The invoice says it’s for twenty highball glasses, but these look like water glasses.”

Lowen comes over and peers into the box, huffing as he pulls out a glass. “This is the second time this company has sent us the wrong order.”

“Seriously?” Salem complains, taking the invoice from me. “They’ve got the best prices, but I’m wondering if it’s worth it with all the problems we have with them.”

“It’s not,” Lowen says. “I’m calling this time.”

Salem scrunches his nose. “The wrath of Lowen.”

Lowen takes the invoice and marches toward the office, leaving me and Salem alone. “We’re keeping the glasses,” he announces. “The price they pay for yet another mistake.”

“Okay.” I continue unpacking the glasses from the box, setting them on the bar top as Florian comes around the corner with a cart full of liquor bottles to restock the shelves.

“Jerryn.” Florian’s eyes light up. “Where’s your partner in crime?”

“He had a dentist appointment. He should be here soon. Why?”

“I’ve been trying to think of a drink special to kick off the new school year. I wanted something fun and flirty, and I have yet to pick a drink inspired by you or Bane.”

I shrug. “I’m not really up on that kind of stuff.”

“What kinds of things light you up?” He adds a bottle of tequila to the shelf. “Foods, flavors, that kind of thing.”

“Hmm. I have a wicked sweet tooth. I love fruity things like raspberries or strawberries.”

Florian nods before restocking the vodka. “Fruity is good. End of summer. I can work with that.”

A few minutes later, the front door opens and Bane comes sauntering in. My stomach does a little flip every time I see him, even after all these years, and I know that means I spend way too much time with my bestie. I almost feel incomplete when he’s not with me.

“How was the dentist?”

“Easy,” Bane says. “Perfect report card.”

“Do you actually floss?” Salem raises an eyebrow.

“Most of the time, but I think I’m just blessed with good teeth genes.”

“Lucky,” Salem replies.

Florian leans on the bar, grinning. “Just in time. I need to know your favorite flavors.”

“For what?” Bane asks.

“I’m coming up with a drink special and using the two of you as inspo.”

Bane glances at me, a smile tugging at his lips. “I like tart drinks.”

“Fruity?” Florian asks while I frown.

Why is he developing a drink based on both of us? Are we considered one person even by the bartender?

“Fruit is nice,” Bane says. “Tart and sweet, goes down easy but packs a punch. Reminds me of the college days and those fruit juice tasting shots we would knock back. Remember those, Jerr?”

“Sex on the beach. I remember. Surprisingly.”

Bane chuckles. “Lucky for us, we had a good crew who always made sure we got back to the dorms safely.”

Florian is grinning as he reaches under the register to grab a notebook. He scrawls something down then grabs his phone and starts scrolling. I go back to unpacking the glasses, quickly forgetting about the drink discussion as the other guys filter into the space.

Oakley went out earlier to get us donuts, and he walks in with those while Kit comes in after walking Stewart to the university. Ridley and Wren are next, hand in hand and gazing at each other with loopy expressions. Indy appears, having finished up some report he was working on in the office.

I smile as I flatten the box. Having all my friends in the same place after all these years feels surreal at times. I count myself lucky. In all the ways we’ve grown and changed, our bond remains tight.

Bane is leaning over the notebook with Florian, the two of them talking softly amid the chorus of other voices. I’m the softest spoken of all of us, but I love the chaos of mixed voices, laughter, people talking over each other, and friendly teasing we share.

As I gather up the empty boxes, I feel Bane’s hand on my shoulder, gently squeezing.

I turn my head to look at him, my stomach fluttering with the knowledge that I have to let him go.

At least partially. Hopefully, whoever he finds will be okay with our friendship.

I couldn’t stand to lose that, though I’m pretty sure I’ll have to give up the cuddle sessions.

“What are your plans after work?” Bane asks.

“That’s a really weird question. What are your plans?”

Bane chuckles. “That exhibit at the museum you talked about a few weeks ago, the one on the Titanic? It’s leaving in a week. I figured we could head down and check it out. Maybe grab some dinner at Tutto.”

My jaw drops. “Really?”

He nods. “We’ve been working our asses off, and our video games will be there next week, but this exhibit won’t.” He shrugs. “I felt like doing something different too. Wanna go?”

“Do I want to go to the museum and then eat at my favorite Italian restaurant? Uh, yeah.”

Bane laughs as he squeezes my shoulder again. “Good. I think it’ll be fun.”

He walks off, leaving me in stunned silence. Yes, he’s gone along with me to a few museums before, but I know it’s not his favorite way to spend a few hours. He didn’t exactly light up when I told him about the exhibit, so his willingness to go is surprising, but I’ll take it.

Maybe tonight at dinner I can encourage him to get back on the dating apps too, even though the idea kind of makes me sick. But if he’s the kind of friend who will go to a museum for me, then I can be the kind of friend who encourages him to find the love he deserves.

I chew on my bottom lip for a second before pulling my phone out of my pocket. I unlock the screen and navigate to a site I’ve had bookmarked for months but haven’t had the nerve to really dig into. I click on the link for workshops and scroll through the list.

Oh. The next one is three days from now. I should go. I really should. It could help me.

“Why the face?” Ridley asks, bumping his arm against mine. I almost fumble my phone but catch it in time. “Sorry, man. You okay? You look upset.”

“Oh, no. I’m not upset.” I close out the screen so he can’t see what it says. “I was just thinking.”

Ridley nods. “You’re sure?”

I nod. “Yes.”

“Cool.”

He pats my arm and walks off while I pull my phone out again and open the registration page. I’ve had questions about myself for a long time, and stumbling on this workshop a while back feels like the lifeline I need right now.

Maybe sitting through a discussion about natural ways to increase my sex drive will help me find the confidence to start dating again. My dream man might be out there somewhere, waiting for me to show up, but I have to at least try to see if there’s anything I can do to have a normal sex life.

I enter my details, and just before I close out, another screen pops up highlighting a different workshop.

This one is about the spectrum of sexuality.

I read the description, my eyes snagging on words I haven’t delved into before.

Demisexual. Asexual. Gray-asexual. It’s a few nights after the other workshop.

My stomach tightens, and that’s my sign. The nagging feeling in the back of my brain that my sexuality isn’t as simple as gay rises up, poking at me as I stare at my screen. Maybe my drive isn’t low. Maybe it’s something else altogether. There’s only one way to find out.

With my hands shaking, I complete the registration for the second workshop.

If I’m going to find a partner, I need to be secure in who I am and what I can offer.

If it’s medical, I’ll handle it. If it’s something else, I’ll learn about it.

The tension in my belly eases and my shoulders relax.

It’s about time I faced this part of my life head on, and if I’m lucky, by the time Bane finds a partner, I’ll be well on my way too.