Page 13

THIRTEEN

JERRYN

Sitting in the same room I was in three days ago feels just as awkward as it did the first time. There are a lot more people here for this presentation, of mixed genders and ages, and that knowledge is weirdly comforting. I’m not alone in questioning my sexuality or how I identify. Not at all.

Bane has been so sweet the past couple of days, providing much needed emotional support as I navigate this stuff and offering to come with me again if I needed it, but I want to hear this information and process it without thinking about my best friend.

He’s been doling out extra physical touches, from massages to cuddles, and while he’s always been like this with me, I’m especially appreciative of it this week.

My thoughts drift back to the first time we cuddled on the beat-up couch in our shared dorm room.

I’d had a rough week in my calc class and he asked me what he could do to help.

I very bravely told him I needed a hug, and Bane, being the amazing guy he is, took it up a notch and played the big spoon to my little one until I fell asleep.

I woke up with his body still wrapped around mine, his cock soft, then not so soft as it rubbed against my ass.

It was at that moment that I wished I was wired differently.

I wished I wanted to twist around and kiss him, explore his body, bring him pleasure, but not only did I not have a clue of what to do, my dick wasn’t hard.

Not even kind of. All I really wanted was to keep cuddling with him.

Even in the few fleeting moments when I felt some kind of physical urge, I didn’t have the guts to pursue it or even bring it up, knowing it would be gone too soon.

My sexual attraction is infrequent, but I was and am very much attracted to everything else about Bane.

A younger guy chooses the seat next to me, offering a smile as he gets comfortable.

He reminds me of Ridley back in college—tall and lanky, with a casual, laid-back vibe.

His hair is shaved on the sides and bright green down the center, with the longer section hanging in his face.

His bottom lip has a silver hoop through it, and he tugs it with his teeth for a second before glancing at me again.

“I’m Dylan.”

“Hey. I’m Jerryn.”

Dylan nods, looking around the space. The room we’re in has various sexuality flags hanging up around the perimeter, and there’s a rainbow drawn on the whiteboard.

“Hey, man, can I ask you a personal question?” Dylan fidgets with the hem of his light jacket.

“Okay.”

“You’re, like, in your thirties?”

“Forties, actually.”

Dylan’s eyes go wide. “Dude. You look awesome.”

“Thanks. Why are you asking?”

“I’m twenty-three, and I’m seeing that I’m not like other guys my age. Never have been. You know, when it comes to the sex stuff.”

I nod. Obviously we have that in common considering where we’re at.

“I figured I was too old to still be figuring this shit out, but you’re older than me.”

“I don’t think there’s an age requirement. I’ve seen a few things online in forums, and sometimes people are even older than me when they finally connect the dots.”

Dylan nods. “I guess it was weird because, like, I knew at a young age that I was into guys and not girls at all. Like, middle school probably.”

“Yeah, same.”

“But…” He leans forward, balancing his elbows on his knees. “I didn’t want to do physical stuff with them. I just wanted to look, touch, smell.” He laughs softly. “I love the way men smell.”

I smile, nodding to show I’m listening.

“As I got older, it didn’t really change. I experimented a little, and it was cool, but it wasn’t the way it should’ve been.”

“Yeah.”

“I met this guy two years ago. Rick. I was in an online forum about sexuality and he messaged me because he liked the things I said. He said he was asexual, so his need for sex was limited. I felt really safe with him, you know? Like he would get it.”

“Did he?”

Dylan nods, but I see the slight sadness in his expression. “Unfortunately, we didn’t connect in other areas. There was no spark. We even tried being intimate once, but it was a mess.” He laughs again. “Sorry, I’m just dumping everything on you.”

“It’s okay. I like hearing about other people’s experiences.”

“After we broke up, I felt so lost, you know? Like, if I date someone like me, then maybe there’s no spark. It made me feel like a relationship needs sex to be exciting, but then I can’t keep up with allosexual people.”

“I can relate. What led you here?”

“A search for answers. I want to understand myself more. I haven’t been dating at all in the past eight months, because I think I need to dig deeper so I know what I’m looking for and what I can offer.”

“That’s why I’m here too.” Since Dylan is a stranger, it feels safe to open up to him. “I have a best friend who is everything to me.”

Dylan nods, smiling. “What’s his name?”

“Bane.”

“Ooh, sexy.”

“He is that. Women and men fawn all over him.” I pull my phone from my jacket pocket and show him the screensaver—a picture of me and Bane at the beach last summer.

“Damn. He’s hot.”

“I know. He’s not just hot either. He’s an incredible person. I’d be lost without him.”

“But?”

“I think I’m holding him back from finding a relationship. We spend all our time together.”

“Okay. Why are you here tonight?”

Blowing out a breath, I drag my hand through my hair. “Like you said, I want to understand myself better so I know what I have to offer someone.”

“Bane?”

“No. As much as I wish our connection was romantic, it’s not. We’ve known each other forever, and he’s never shown that kind of interest.”

“Oh.”

“Plus, he’s very active in the sexual sense. At least he has been in the past.”

“In the past?”

“We’ve both been single a long time, and he’s not actively dating either.”

“For how long?”

“Years.” I shake my head. “Can’t remember really.”

“Let me get this straight—and by straight, I mean gay.”

I laugh.

“Your very hot best friend spends all his time with you, doesn’t date, and is a great guy.”

“Yep.”

“But you’re not interested in more?”

“It’s not that. He’s not, and I don’t want to make it awkward.”

“Have you asked him?”

“Asked him what?”

“If he’s interested in more?” Dylan gently smacks my thigh as he sits back in his seat.

“My sister had a crush on her guy friend for years. She said the same thing. He never made a move so he wasn’t interested, but one night at a friend’s wedding, she got some liquid courage in her and she kissed him.

He kissed her back and told her he’d been in love with her for ages, but he didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. They’re married now and have a kid.”

“That’s cool.”

“Cool, yeah, but who knows what would’ve happened if neither of them ever stepped up. All I’m saying is that you should check to make sure before you write it off.”

“I appreciate the advice, but I know him. If he wanted more, he would tell me. He’s not the kind of guy who doesn’t go after what he wants.”

Dylan shrugs. “I guess you know best. I’d just rather know for sure than miss out on something awesome.”

Easy for him to say.

“Good luck though,” he adds. “You seem like a good dude.”

“Same to you.”

Two people enter the room and stand at the front, so we quiet down to begin the conversation.

One person introduces themself as Jae, gives us their pronouns, she/them, and offers a welcoming smile.

Jae has naturally tan skin and luminous brown eyes.

Their shoulder length hair is dyed pink and in a twisted style, and their arms are covered in colorful ink.

They’re wearing baggy jeans and a tight-fitting tank top with chunky black shoes.

The other person, Toni with an I, uses she/her and is wearing a black dress with bright teal flowers on it and knee high black boots.

Her head is shaved on one side, with long red hair hanging straight down on the other side.

She also has a lot of tattoos, but she might have more piercings than ink.

Toni and Jae launch into the presentation, starting with simple definitions of terms. I listen intently, waiting for something to resonate. Then Jae writes a term on the board that’s new to me—gray-ace.

I perk up as I listen. A person who experiences sexual attraction inconsistently, at a low intensity, or rarely. That sounds like me. It’s not that I never feel sexual attraction, it’s just random and short-lived. I tuck that away in my head as I listen to the other terms and definitions.

When we get to demisexual, things start to slot into place in my head.

Only feeling sexual attraction after an emotional bond is formed.

I’ve never been able to get into something casual, even recoiling when a guy kissed me while we were dancing back in college.

I need the tangible relationship to feel anything at all, and when I do, it’s like a simmering pot, far from a hard boil.

Could I be a gray-ace demisexual?

Toni discusses the spectrum of sexuality and how things can shift and slide over time. She explains that while choosing an identity can be helpful, it’s okay if it doesn’t align at certain points in our lives and we identify with something else.

The more I listen, the more my eyes sting and my throat tightens around a lump of emotion. For the first time, I feel like I might actually understand my sexuality. I never felt that asexual completely fit, and I wasn’t sure about demisexual, but gray-ace demi? I think that’s me. Holy shit.

I listen to the other topics, waiting to see if anything feels more accurate, but by the end of the presentation, I’m very much settled.

Jae and Toni start answering questions from the group. A man who looks older than me raises his hand, and Jae calls on him.

“Uh, yeah, so I was wondering about something you said earlier. About how things can shift on the spectrum during our lives.”