Page 17

FIFTEEN

JERRYN

I can’t believe what just happened.

As I slowly undress, I replay the moment my brain decided that kissing Bane was a good idea. I panicked, of course, but Bane, being the amazing person he is, talked me down, and then… A smile tugs at my lips. And then he kissed me again. A real kiss. My favorite kind of kiss.

I climb into bed, aware of my still tingling lips. Kissing is the one intimate activity that has always been nice for me, but unfortunately, it generally leads to other things I wasn’t ready for. But not with Bane. He even said he’d kiss me again.

“ Always have .”

Did he really say that or is my brain making up scenarios I wish were true? Is there a chance Bane could want me the way I am? I shake my head, blowing out a breath. I need to not get ahead of myself. Just because he was willing to kiss me doesn’t mean he’d like a life with a lukewarm partner.

Except there was that moment, albeit brief, when I felt things I haven’t in a very long time.

My stomach fluttered and my dick took notice.

It was gone too quickly, but it was there—the twinge of desire.

I wish I knew how to get it to stick around so I could see what happens next.

I don’t want to have sex feeling nothing ever again.

Letting a guy touch me, even fuck me, without really feeling attraction isn’t something I’m willing to keep doing. I’d rather stay celibate.

But the desire was there. I’ve learned to take note of those fleeting moments, desperate to hold on to them, but they elude me, like fireflies in the wind.

Part of me really wanted to stay in Bane’s room and cuddle and kiss him, but I needed to process my emotions. He’s my best friend, and if we do anything we regret it could make things hard. I know I’d never lose him, and we’d figure things out, but who the hell wants to go through that?

I roll onto my side, clutching a pillow to my chest, and grab my phone. I search a popular forum for information on being gray-ace and demi, and actually find a very active one. As I scroll, reading through questions and situations, one in particular grabs my attention.

My crush is gray-ace. I’m allosexual. Can we make it work?

I click to expand and read the full situation. A guy has a budding crush on a coworker who seems to return interest, but they’ve opened up and told him about their sexuality and how difficult dating can be. Sounds familiar.

There are hundreds of responses, and I read through them all. The advice varies from “it depends” to “talk about it with them” but there’s a longer response that catches my eye.

The person commenting says it can work because it’s their life.

They’ve been happily married to an ace person for six years and their life together is amazing.

The person lists all the intimate ways they show love and affection outside of the bedroom, but then they elaborate, discussing how they found a happy place that works for both of them sexually.

They go on to say that being ace or on that spectrum doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It’s just different, and when you love someone, different is still good.

My throat tightens as I read that last part again. Could Bane ever feel that way about me romantically? I know he accepts me completely as friends, but could there be more, or am I just setting us both up for a huge letdown?

I’m pretty sure there’s only one way to find out, but I don’t know if I’m brave enough to explore it.

I can either find out or wonder for the rest of my life.

I put my phone on the nightstand and close my eyes, but my thoughts are still swirling.

I have a decision to make: Play it safe or take a chance with my best friend.

If he liked kissing me once, could he like it for good?

I know he’d be patient with me if we decided to try for more, but could he be happy if the sex was infrequent?

I shake my head. Just thinking about the possibility of sex with Bane is startling for me.

It’s not that I’ve never imagined what he’s like in bed, I’ve just never imagined what he’d be like with me.

Maybe I’ve never let myself, or maybe I just wasn’t interested in that possibility until now.

I still don’t know what made me decide to kiss him.

Maybe it was talking to Dylan, or maybe I just needed to know how it would feel and if I would like it or want more.

Or maybe it’s because Bane is the safest person I know.

He’s the only person who knows about my struggles with dating and sex.

Our friends wonder why we’re not romantic, but I never felt I could open up and tell them because I didn’t quite understand it myself.

I take a deep breath and think about Bane being my boyfriend.

How would things change? He’s already so sweet to me.

We already spend all our time together and we cuddle.

He makes coffee for me and lets me pick the movies we watch.

He makes my birthday special, and he even set up a night out at a museum for me.

I guess that’s why neither of us feel like we’re missing out by not dating.

What guy would treat me better than Bane does?

And if he says he’s happy not having sex with other people, I should believe him.

So the unanswered question is, could he be happy with me long term?

Could I make him happy and show him how incredible he is without feeling constantly horny?

How many times I’ve wished I had Indy’s libido.

He’s all over Salem all the time, and doesn’t show any signs of slowing down.

But I’m not Indy. I’m me, and that’s the reality I need to deal with.

My phone buzzes on the nightstand, and I grab it, smiling when I see a text from Bane. It’s a link to an article about the release of a video game we’ve been waiting eight months for.

Bane: The article says it’s releasing next month!

Me: Finally!

Bane: Can’t wait.

I smile at my phone.

Me: Same.

Bane: You good?

Me: I am. Just thinking.

Bane: Here if you need me. Always.

Me: I always need you, but not right now. I’m good.

Bane: Cool. Sweet dreams, Jerr.

Me: Night, Bane.

I set my phone down and close my eyes again as thoughts of Bane kissing me dance in my head.

After my shower, I throw on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and head next door to Bane’s room.

I rap on the door before opening it, just to announce my presence.

His room is still quiet and dark, with the drapes in his bedroom drawn.

I walk down the hall and find him tangled in his bedding, still asleep.

I’ve often admired Bane’s physique and his stunning features, and when he’s sleeping, he looks like he could be a painting.

His wild curls are splayed across his pillow, his broad chest rising and falling softly with his breathing, and his face…

that incredible face. Even with his soulful brown eyes closed, he’s still impressive.

His features fit his face perfectly, creating a nice symmetry.

I’ve watched people trip over themselves for years to get his attention.

I reach out and very lightly dot my fingers down his chest. He doesn’t stir at all, so I tug the blanket down just a little to reveal his belly and the trail of hair that runs down from his belly button.

As I gaze at his sleeping form, I focus on my own thoughts.

Do I want to see more of his body? Drag the blankets off and really look at him? Do I want to touch him?

Yes .

The thought is very clear. What isn’t clear is what my motives are. Am I just curious, or do I actually want to touch Bane in an intimate way?

I huff out a breath, which does get a response from Bane.

“Are you just gonna stand there or are you getting in?” he asks without opening his eyes.

I laugh softly. “Getting in bed?”

“Yeah.” He stirs, stretching slightly. “What time is it?”

“Almost ten.”

“Shit.” He peels one eye open. “I guess that means I should get up.”

“If you want to.”

Bane scrubs a hand down his face before running it through his hair. “I could eat.”

“I could make you a bagel.”

He opens both eyes and smiles. “Let’s go to the coffee shop down the block from Moby’s. You like their raspberry Danish.”

“I do.”

Bane sits up, whipping the blankets off, revealing that not only is he naked, but he has an erection.

“Whoops.” He grabs the blanket again, laughing. “Forgot I got hot last night.”

I’m aware of my cheeks heating, and I swallow hard. It’s not that I haven’t seen Bane naked before. I have. Lots of times, but I’ve never seen him hard. I know a lot of guys wake up with hard-ons, and it’s completely normal, but it was quite a sight.

“You okay?” Bane asks.

“Yes.” I chew on my bottom lip. “Um, maybe it’s weird, but can I—” I stop myself, shaking my head. No. That’s definitely weird.

“Can you what?” Bane’s tone softens. “Do you want to see me?”

I barely nod, hoping he notices and doesn’t make me say the word.

“It’s okay with me.” He kicks the blankets off, revealing his body again.

My breath hitches as my eyes roam from his face, down his torso, and between his legs.

His cock is still hard, almost completely straight, but it leans toward his belly.

His pubic hair is trimmed short, which makes it easy for my eyes to focus on what he’s got.

It’s not huge, which is nice, but it’s got a thickness to it that has me wondering funny things. It bounces as I stare at it.

“Whatcha thinking, Jerr?”

“I’m not sure yet.”

Bane reaches for my hand, and I give it to him, letting him pull me closer. “That’s okay.”

I sit on the edge of the bed, close enough that I can smell his lingering cologne and the familiar scent of his detergent clinging to his skin.

I let my eyes roam across his body again, from his feet back to his face, but they keep going to his dick.

When I focus on my body’s response, I realize I feel… warm. Curious. Interested.

But not horny.