Page 6

SIX

BANE

Jerryn and I enter the house a little past midnight, kicking off our shoes at the door and heading for the stairs.

It goes without saying that he’ll follow me to my room, as he does most nights.

For some reason he prefers hanging out in my space over his, and that’s totally fine with me.

I’m dying to know what went down with him and Alec.

Inside my room, Jerryn goes straight to the couch, curling his long body into a ball and waiting for me to join him.

“Don’t you want to change?”

“Can you bring some of your pjs?”

“Sure can.”

I walk to my room, tugging my t-shirt over my head and thinking about how I can shift my normal behavior towards him from caring friend to romantic option.

The trouble is, I couldn’t tell the guys, but I’m not sure Jerryn even has those kinds of feelings inside him.

I know he’s hung up about sex, but if that wasn’t an obstacle for him, would he even see me as boyfriend material?

I guess Ridley is right—there’s only one way to find out.

After sliding out of my jeans, I open my dresser drawer and grab a pair of black pj bottoms for me and the comic strip pj’s for Jerryn. He told me they’re the most comfortable, so in my mind they became unofficially his.

When I enter the living room, he’s got the remote in hand, flipping through channels.

“Here you go.”

His face lights up as he takes the pajamas. “I like these the most.”

I smile back even though I want to tell him I know that. Of course I know. I pay special attention to everything he likes.

“Find anything good to watch?”

He shakes his head as he gets to his feet, casually undressing in front of me. I’ve seen his body a million times over the years, mentally counted the freckles that dot his chest, fantasized about running my tongue around his pebbled nipples, wondered what he would feel like beneath me.

My cock plumps slightly, and I shift my weight to avoid showing it before plopping down on the couch.

He shimmies out of his jeans, draping them over the arm of the couch before directing his attention to the pajamas.

He has no idea how appealing he is or how much I want to wrap my arms around him and hold him until the sun comes up.

Once he’s got the pants on, he settles next to me on the couch. “Alec wanted to apologize.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Really?”

Jerryn nods. “He said he’s thought about it a lot over the years, but didn’t think a call would be sufficient. He wanted to tell me to my face.”

“That’s… nice. How did it feel?”

“Awkward.” He chuckles. “But I could tell he was sincere.”

I nod, searching his face. “Did he look good?”

Jerryn shrugs. “I guess so. I actually wondered what attracted me to him. He’s not my type, really.”

“No, he isn’t.”

“He’s getting married.”

I notice the dip in his voice even as he tries to sound nonchalant about the news. “Oh. How did that feel to hear?”

He shrugs again, reaching up to brush his hair off his forehead. “Fine. I don’t have feelings for him. I guess…” Jerryn pauses for a second.

I stay quiet, waiting for him to process his thoughts. He needs to sometimes.

“It’s weird,” he says. “You know how I feel about marriage.”

“Yeah. Did it make you sad?”

“Not sad, just wondering if…” He sighs instead of finishing his thought.

“Wondering if it’ll happen for you?”

He nods, his gaze on his hands in his lap.

I’d marry him tomorrow if I had the fucking nerve to tell him how I feel. But I need more than nerve. I know Jerryn inside and out, and he needs to see it to believe it, whatever it is. He’d think it was about pity, and that’s the last thing I ever want him believing.

“Do you remember the summer after we moved to Seattle?”

Jerryn looks up, a slight smile on his face. “Every minute. We had so much fun exploring the city.”

“We did. Remember the night we went to that little park by the apartment and we saw those two guys get engaged after the concert?”

He nods. “Oh yeah. That was sweet. What made you think of that?”

“You and I talked about romance and relationships and marriage that night.”

Jerryn nods. “We did.”

“And you told me all about what your dream partner would be like.”

He smiles. “I remember.”

“I think we should revisit that conversation.”

He tilts his head. “Why?”

“It’s been twenty years. What’s changed or evolved? Let’s put it out into the universe.”

His smile fades. “We were just kids then.”

“Exactly why we should revisit it.” I take his hand in mine, gently squeezing it. “It’s never too late, Jerr. You never know what might be around the corner. Look at what’s happened with our friends.”

He searches my eyes, and after a few seconds, he nods. “Okay. I’ll play along, but you have to do the same. Back then your idea of a perfect relationship was not having one.”

Chuckling, I nod. “Fair. I was such a player, wasn’t I?”

“No reason not to be. Maybe I would’ve been one too if… you know.”

“Nah, it’s not your nature.” I play with his fingers. “You have a soft heart, which is a compliment, in case you didn’t get it.”

He smiles softly. “Thanks. You go first.”

“Okay.” I take a deep breath, searching for words instead of just blurting out that it would be him. “Ideally, we’d be friends first.”

Jerryn looks slightly surprised for a second, but he nods.

“So we’d have things in common. We’d like the same types of movies and we’d play video games together.”

“Yeah.”

“And over time, we’d see that there was so much more there than just friendship. We’d cuddle on the couch and spend lazy mornings in bed wrapped around each other and talking about life.”

His cheeks turn slightly pink, but he just nods.

“We’d be so in sync that we’d always know what the other was thinking. We could finish each other’s sentences if we wanted to.”

A crease appears between his brows, but I push on before I chicken out.

“And I’d be the guy who showed him that love is real and bold and accepting.

Neither of us would be perfect, because there’s no such thing, but we’d be perfect for each other.

We’d balance each other and we’d understand each other’s struggles and quirks.

I’d prove to him that he’s just right for me. ”

“How would you do that?”

“By my actions. I’d wake up every morning with the intention of showing him how I feel, and when I slip up, because I will, I’ll make it right again.”

“You’d make an amazing partner for someone.”

For you.

The words sit like a weight on my tongue, but I hold them back.

“I’d do my best.”

“What about…” He shakes his head. “This is make believe.”

“No, Jerr, it’s not.”

“Not make believe. Hypothetical.”

“What were you gonna ask?”

He drops his gaze. “Nothing.”

“Come on, Jerr.” I lift his chin with my finger so he has to look at me. “You can ask me anything. You know that.”

He nods as his teeth graze his bottom lip. “I guess I wondered where I would fit in if you met someone like that, but that’s selfish. Of course I want you to be happy.”

He really doesn’t get it. Not even a little bit. This is gonna be harder than I thought.

“You know you’re my person, Jerr. I’ll always have room in my life for you, and anyone I’m with would have to understand that or they wouldn’t be right for me.”

He continues chewing on his bottom lip for a second. “But that’s not fair, is it? To the other person, I mean. If we were them, would we be okay with the closeness of our friendship? Would you expect any normal person to accept the way we are together?”

I narrow my eyes. “This is about Alec, isn’t it?”

“Not directly, but kind of. If you look at it from his perspective, I bet it was hard. You’re a good-looking guy and we’re closer than most friends.” He squeezes my knee. “I would get out of your way, Bane. I would do that so you could find love and be happy.”

“First of all, you’re not in my way. You’re never in my way.”

“You know what I mean.”

I have to get this train back on the tracks. “Your turn. Tell me your updated dream.”

He huffs but nods. “Like you, I would hope for friendship first. I would like?—”

“Describe him in present tense. Like he already exists.”

Jerryn searches my eyes for a second as a soft smile tugs at his lips. “Okay. Um, he’s very kind and even a little doting.”

“Doting? Like what?”

“He knows how I like my coffee and he brings it to me in bed after waking me up slowly with kisses on my neck and face.”

Oh hell yeah. I can do that. “What else?”

“He likes to take bubble baths with me. We just soak and talk about the future.”

Bubble baths. Check.

“He does little things, always making sure I’m comfortable or fed or happy.”

“As he should.”

“And of course he likes the same movies I do. He’s a gamer too, but he doesn’t always let me win. Just sometimes.”

I laugh softly. “Good guy.”

“He is. He’s also funny and loyal. He’d give you his shirt if you needed it. He’s a hard worker, but he knows the importance of balance and enjoying life, and he helps me enjoy life too.”

Jerryn’s cheeks are bright pink now.

“And he’s patient. So patient. He knows my struggles with the physical stuff and he doesn’t push me or make me feel broken.

He encourages me to find my own way. I try really hard because I want to be his perfect man too.

I want to want—” His voice cracks and he clears his throat.

“I want to feel desire and passion and somehow he found the key that unlocks that part of me.”

Jerryn ducks his head, tucking his hair behind his ears.

“Hey.”

When he meets my gaze, his eyes are watery. “I don’t think there’s a key. I just wish there was.”

“Sex isn’t everything, Jerr. I’ve had amazing sex with people who were really bad for me. It can’t save the world.”

“I know, but it’s important to most people.”

“Maybe not the way you think. I admit, when I was young, it was all I thought about, but that had nothing to do with love and commitment.”

His gaze hardens as he purses his lips. “Come on, Bane. I’m not naive. Could you be in a sexless relationship? Could most people?”

“You’re looking at it wrong. Every relationship is different and has its own flavor.

The guy you’re describing wants to be with you and everything you are.

He accepts you, and like you said, he’s patient, and he’ll be by your side as you figure it out.

Maybe your sex life looks different from what we hear and see in movies and stuff, but that doesn’t make it not good. ”

Jerryn nods, his gaze trained on me. “Maybe I could just clone you and fill the world with men like you.” He tries to laugh off the weight of his words.

“You don’t have to clone me, Jerr. The guy you want is out there.” Right in front of you if I have anything to do with it. “You just have to believe.”

He shrugs. “Maybe. Guess I’ll believe it when I see it.”

Challenge accepted, my friend.

“You deserve the best. Any guy worthy of you will want you just the way you are. Don’t you dare settle for less than that.”

“Maybe we’ll just grow old together, playing video games and watching action movies and building our weird life together. That wouldn’t be so bad, would it?”

That’s exactly what we’re going to do, except little does he know, he’s gonna be loved the whole damn time.

“Not bad at all, but we have quite a few years before we check into the retirement home, so let’s not give up on the dream just yet.”

“You’re right. I guess I just can’t imagine meeting someone who’s like—” He snaps his mouth shut.

“Like what?”

“Um, like the guy of my dreams. How would I even find him?”

“Maybe he’ll find you, Jerr.”

“Maybe.” He smiles, shaking his shoulders out. “I guess I should keep an open mind.”

“That’s the spirit.” I reach over to pick up the remote and turn the TV off. “I’m pretty tired. How about a cuddle sesh in bed? Wanna stay over?”

Jerryn’s face lights up. “Really?”

“I think we could both use it tonight.”

He playfully shoves my arm. “Even though you’re just doing it for me, I accept.”

Damn, he really is clueless. For some reason he doesn’t think there’s any way I could be into him, and that’s exactly why I have to play my cards just right.

If I blurt it out, he’ll take it as pity or desperation because he has no idea how amazing he is.

It’s up to me to show him he’s the guy of my dreams and has been for twenty freaking years.

He wants a guy who’s doting and patient? I’m all over that. He wants to clone me? I can do even better.

As we get up and head to my bedroom, my heart literally flutters.

For once in my dating life, I’m excited.

I’ve spent my entire adult life pining for my best friend because I didn’t think I was good enough for him, but I’m a better man now.

I’ve got my priorities straight, and I know without a doubt that Jerryn is the one for me.

I’ll take as much time as I need to show him the same.

It’s so on.