Page 22

NINETEEN

JERRYN

I’ve been scrolling this stupid forum for almost an hour, but I’m not finding what I want. Correction: what I need. I can’t be the only person in the world going through this.

I’m just about to give up when I notice a sub-forum link on the left side of my screen. It’s part of the ace spectrum forum, and it might be exactly what I’m looking for.

I click it and start scanning through the various posts, and then I see it.

Finally. The forum is about navigating sex.

I hope someone’s experience matches mine.

Reading through a few posts, my hope starts to fade.

Not because the experiences aren’t there, but because the situations don’t resonate with me.

There’s lots of advice about dating an allosexual person, but it’s coming mostly from people who don’t experience sexual desire at all.

I keep scrolling a bit more, but I’m interrupted by several of the guys coming into the office at Moby’s where I’ve been hiding out for the last twenty minutes.

It’s midday on a Wednesday, so it’s very quiet right now.

“Oh, hey, Jerr,” Ridley says. “You okay?”

“Just taking a break. What are you guys doing?”

“We’ve had some applications come in.” Lowen walks behind the desk to open a drawer. “I thought we could go over them since it’s quiet.”

“Where’s Bane?” Indy asks, leaning against the wall.

“He said he had an errand to run,” Kit says. “He’s supposed to be back soon.”

That explains his cryptic text telling me he’d be gone for about thirty minutes. He always tells me exactly what he’s doing, and most of the time I’m with him, but I didn’t question it. He has his reasons, and he’s allowed to do things without telling me.

The past three nights have been close to magical—cuddling, kissing, sleeping beside him completely nude—but the more I want to get out of my head and just enjoy it, the less I can.

I’m really worried that Bane is gonna start thinking I’m not attracted to him, when I am.

I just can’t get my body to show it. He says it’s fine and he’s happy with what we’re doing, but for how long?

Lowen is reading off the qualifications of an applicant, but my eye catches something on my screen. It’s titled “This is how it works for me and my partner” so I click it. What I read makes my eyes sting. It makes sense, but dammit, it’s not the solution I was hoping for.

Salem taps my shoulder, and when I look up, I realize everyone is looking at me. “What?”

“We were voting on if we’d like to bring this person in for an interview,” Lowen says.

“I’ll go with the majority.”

“No, then,” Lowen says in his curt tone, laying the résumé face down on the desk. “Next we have Louie.”

I do my best to listen to Lowen, but my thoughts are still swirling from what I just read. Is that the best way to handle this? Maybe it would take the pressure off me, and I’d be able to perform when and how I want to.

“That guy sounds good,” Indy says, taking the résumé. “He’s worked in some pretty busy places in the city, so he can probably keep up.”

“I was thinking the same.” Lowen nods.

“Do you think he’d get bored here though?” Ridley asks. “Those restaurants are pretty high end.”

“Maybe he wants a change of scenery,” Kit says. “Burnout is real.”

“That’s what we’d find out in the interview, right?” I ask.

“Exactly,” Lowen says. “Yes pile?”

We all agree, then he goes on to read the next résumé.

Halfway through that discussion, the door opens and Bane enters.

My stomach flutters and I feel heat immediately crawling up my neck.

Seeing Bane has always made me happy, but it’s a new feeling now.

It’s remembering the way his lips feel on my neck and how his tongue tangles with mine.

It’s the way he smells in the morning when he’s cuddling close to me—soft but masculine, clean but earthy.

And it’s the way he looks at me like no one else exists.

Like right now. His focus is completely on me, until he blinks and addresses the guys as he walks over to stand next to me.

“What are we doing?” he asks.

“Going over résumés,” Lowen says.

“Cool.”

Lowen continues and we end up with a pile of five people to interview.

We sort out who is going to interview who, and of course Bane and I are assigned a person together.

The meeting breaks up, and I get to my feet.

Now that we’re alone, Bane wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me close and pressing a quick kiss to my lips.

Smiling, I play with the hair resting on his shoulder. “Got your errands done?”

He nods, his eyes searching mine like he has something major to say. “I managed to get my hands on two tickets to next month’s Comic book convention.”

My eyes go wide. “What? How? They sold out months ago.”

“I know. I found someone who was selling theirs because they couldn’t make it anymore. Dude was cool too—he only charged face value.”

A smile tugs at my lips. “You really got them?”

He pulls his wallet out of his back pocket, opens it, and pulls out two slender pieces of paper. “I really got them. I know you wanted to go. We both do. They’re VIP tickets too. Collector’s edition.”

“That’s amazing. Thank you.”

“Seeing you smile is thanks enough.”

Standing this close to him, his sultry smile warming parts of me I’m just discovering, it feels all the more important that I broach the topic on my mind.

“Can we take a walk over to the park?”

“Of course. You okay?”

“I’m good.” Sort of. I feel a little sick, but once we talk it out, I’ll feel better. At least I hope I will.

Bane slides his hand to my lower back, saying, “After you.”

We exit the office and walk through the restaurant. Bane stops next to Indy, letting him know where we’re going and that we’ll be back soon, then we walk outside. The weather today is pretty chilly, but the sun is out, so it still feels nice.

As we cross the street, Bane grabs my hand, but my nerves are really getting to me. I hope he takes this okay. It’s for him, after all.

We find a bench that faces the fountain and sit down. I can feel Bane’s attention on me, his concern almost palpable.

I guess I’ll just jump in. “I’ve been doing some research.”

Bane nods, holding my hand in his and resting both on his lap. “About?”

“Me and my sexuality. I wanted to see if there were any examples of how other people have navigated it, you know?”

“Yeah. Did you find something?”

I nod, chewing on my bottom lip—my go-to move when I’m nervous.

“Are you gonna tell me?” he asks, smiling.

“Hear me out, okay?”

“Always.”

“I think the solution could be non-monogamy.”

Bane’s forehead creases and he pulls his head back slightly. “What?”

“Keeping things open so you can feel free to have your needs met. In the meantime, I’ll keep working on myself and my blocks.”

His jaw drops and he blinks rapidly. “Are you suggesting that I would be in a relationship with you and fuck other people?”

I nod, even as my stomach turns sour at the thought. “It’s not fair for you to put your sex life on hold because of me.”

He lowers his head, rubbing his forehead.

“Jerr. My sweet, sweet Jerr.” When he lifts his head, the intensity of his gaze makes my breath hitch.

“I’ve waited twenty years. Twenty fucking years, Jerr, to be with you.

If you think there’s another person on this planet who could get me in their bed, you’re seriously off base. ”

“You say that now because it’s still new, but what if this goes on for…” I shake my head. “Forever. What then, Bane?”

He squeezes my hands. “This is forever. Just us. You and me, Jerr. There’s no chance that I would ever fuck around with someone else when I can be next to you whenever I want. What kind of fucking advice is that? Where did you get it?”

“A forum. There were so many posts about how difficult it can be and how frustrating for the allo partner. I don’t want you to resent me someday.”

He tilts his head back, squeezing his eyes closed, and I know that’s a sign of frustration. Maybe he’s going to rethink this whole thing, which is totally fair. I brace myself for the inevitable. I knew it was too good to be true.

“It’s like you don’t even know me,” he whispers. “I guess I’m fumbling the ball here if you still think I’m not happy with you.”

“You’re not fumbling any balls. You’re amazing, but…”

“But what, Jerr?”

“I’m afraid. I know you’re committed to this. It’s not that.”

He blows out a breath, standing and pacing in front of the bench for a second before he turns and levels me with a serious gaze.

“I’ve been with you through every date, every relationship, every promising moment for twenty years.

You think I don’t remember what you’ve been through?

The things that have been said to you?” He scoffs.

“I get that you’re scared because so many people have failed you, but I’m not those guys.

I know exactly what I signed up for and I would sign up for you a thousand times over. You can’t shake me, Jerr.”

He joins me on the bench again, turning sideways to face me. “This isn’t how I imagined having this conversation. I’ve been waiting for some perfect moment. Maybe after Comic-Con, or I’d take you out for a fancy dinner.” Bane shrugs. “But you need to hear it now. I need you to hear it.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Jerryn, babe, I’m in love with you.”

My jaw drops.

“And in case you think this is new, it’s not.

I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember.

Every little thing you do lights me up. The way your cheeks turn pink, your amazing laugh, and your eyes.

You’ve always seen me like no one else ever has.

You see me, beyond my flaws and inadequacies, you see the man I’ve wanted to become so I could be the man you need. ”

My eyes well with tears and I breathe in and out slowly.

“So if you think for one second that I’d fuck someone else just to nut, you’re very, very wrong.

There are so many ways we can make each other happy that have nothing to do with sex, and in time, we’ll figure out what works together, because there’s love here.

I’ve always loved you, and I’m always going to. ”

I blink and the tears break free, sliding down my cheeks. “You’re in love with me?”

Bane nods. “Everyone knew it but you.”

“I would have never thought…”

“I know. Listen, Jerr, there’s still no pressure.

You don’t have to say anything you’re not feeling or not ready to feel.

You don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for.

You don’t have to perform. Not for me. I’m your best friend, and I want to be the love of your life, and you can take as much time as you need to catch up with me. ”

A sob bubbles out of me, and Bane’s expression softens as he opens his arms to me.

I lean into him, burying my face in the crook of his neck.

He loves me? It feels like a dream or a miracle.

My heart is beating fast and the tears are flowing as I realize this is the first time in my life I’ve heard those words said to me.

No one has ever been in love with me, but all along, Bane was?

“I wish you’d told me sooner,” I mumble, lifting my head to wipe at my cheeks and nose. “I wish you saw yourself the way I do and knew you were perfect for me all along.”

“I wish I’d told you sooner too. I wish I’d felt brave enough years ago to beg you to stop looking at losers who don’t understand you because I do. I always have.”

“I used to wish we could be something,” I admit. “Because I knew what an amazing man you are, but I thought it was useless because I’m not like other men you’ve dated.”

“No shit. You’re a thousand times better.” He takes my hands in his again. “I fucked around a lot, and maybe I was trying to get over you in a way, but it never worked. I was never gonna fall for someone else when you’ve had my heart all along.”

A hesitant smile pulls at my lips. “You’re really in love with me?”

“Absolutely.”

“That’s pretty amazing.”

“Can you promise you’ll never get an idea like that again? There’s no one but you. There’s never gonna be anyone but you. I want you, and all that you are, Jerr. Whatever that looks like for us, I’m all in.”

I nod, even as my head swirls with possibilities. I’m too jumbled up to tell him my feelings too, but it’s Bane, and he’s gonna be there when I’m ready.

I believe him.

I trust him.

And my god, I love him.