Page 66 of Delayed Intention

The Big Day

Driving to the wedding site, my heart feels simultaneous joy and sorrow.

It’s the last night I’ll be near Josh for the foreseeable future.

Since we’re kind of keeping things under wraps, we’ve barely had time together and, tomorrow, I’m supposed to go back home.

This week went by so fast. I was the one who insisted we start slow and keep the change in our relationship to ourselves.

I said it was about the wedding, but I think it’s equally about my fears.

I don’t want to face everyone if this doesn’t work out.

I also didn’t want my mother to be aware of it because, just her knowing about a thing, makes me nervous.

She’s never encountered any happiness of mine that she didn’t want to dissect.

On the one hand, what Josh and I have between us feels inevitable.

We have known each other our entire lives and it’s finally clear that we’ve been meant for this journey together—as if we are fated.

Yet at the same time, it feels fragile and new.

My anxiety wants to encroach and think of all the ways I could mess this up.

Or all the ‘for instances’ that could change his mind.

The crux of my fears is that my mother will use this information to thwart my happiness.

I don’t believe she sees it that way. I know she wants me back home, in her domain, with a man that she can manage.

I’d rather end up alone than go back to that small life I had before.

I look down at my navy dress with light pink trim—it’s perfect.

It is fitted on the bodice, but I can still breathe, and the skirt is made of tulle with a hint of pink trim along the bottom and seams. I can’t believe the big day is finally here.

I put in my gold earrings and put my lip balm in my pocket.

I’ve driven my car here tonight for the newlyweds to load presents into.

I grab my wallet and clutch and leave the car unlocked near the reception exit.

Josh is standing at the entrance to the venue, looking like my every dream and I gravitate right to him.

Vendors are pushing carts with supplies past him, but he seems to be fixed in place in the doorway, watching me.

“Hi.” I say, my heart in my throat.

Josh reaches for me and draws me into his arms.

“Hello.”

Josh Cohen appears cut from marble in his impeccably tailored navy suit, and yet he is gentle and warm as I allow myself to fold into him.

He kisses the top of my head and breathes a sigh into my hair.

We’re both exhausted by the work we’ve put in this week.

I’ve left my hair down with wild, flowing curls because I’m too worn out to do anything else with it.

I have a hair tie in my clutch for a braid later, if I need it.

Josh nuzzles the top of my head and says something I miss.

“What was that?”

“Don’t leave.”

I smile, “Where am I going, the wedding hasn’t even started.”

Staff from the facility are hanging rows of large bulb string lights from the barn entrance to some posts outside in a crisscross pattern that is giving small town rom-com movie vibes. Because it’s already early twilight, the lights come on, reflecting in his eyes.

“I mean stay, in Estes. With me.”

He swallows, takes his right hand, and tilts my chin up before he brings his lips to mine for a too-brief kiss.

“Not just for tonight.” His eyes search my face. “All the tonights and the tomorrows. Come to stay Lily Anna. Don’t ever leave.”

My heart is bursting with a combination of longing and joy. And maybe a smidge of terror.

“Do you mean that Josh?”

“As much as I’ve ever meant anything.” He takes both my hands in each of his, steps back, and looks me over. “Lily. Can I do something that would have sent both of us running for the hills nine months ago?”

“Josh?” Now, my insecurities are flooding my head, trying for my heart.

He can’t mean it, he’ll regret this, you’re a mess, he deserves better, he’ll get bored of how extra you are, he’ll… God, please, give me peace for this, please.

As I refocus on the man in front of me, my eyes are searching his face.

I push my anxieties aside because I want to give him anything he needs.

I have known, since that terrible night at the bar, I’m so gone for him.

I flip my hands under his, taking his hands in mine.

My thinking slows down as I try to think of actual practical issues rather than random fears.

“What about Nona, I’ve just moved there, and she’s already had that fall. Wouldn’t it be selfish for me to move so far from her?”

“I’ve actually spoken to her about that, and my mother.

” He looks nervous now, “I hope that was okay for me to do that. They want us to be happy. My mother will move to Lincoln and stay with Rose. Abbie will check in any week that you can’t get back there.

They are all in our corner, if that is what you want. If you think it’s too fast—”

I stopped him with a kiss, throwing my arms around his neck. When I pull back, I laugh softly. “You asked my grandmother and my best friend for permission to move me to Estes? With an assist from your mother?”

“Guilty.”

“And did you just ask if I thought you were going too fast?” I’d not caught it when he first said it, and now, I’m incredulous, but I also can’t stop grinning.

“Joshua, I’ve been in love with you since I was about nine years old.

So, whatever you want to ask me, you can ask.

My heart is yours. I think it always has been.

I just had some wounds to start healing on my own.

I won’t tell you not to be afraid, because I’m terrified. ” I smile, “but I am yours, I—”

He stops me short when he drops to one knee, right there in the doorway of the barn. It’s then that I register the photographer is poised, ready to capture all of this. One of the servers is the barista from Kind Coffee, who I now realize is recording us with Josh’s cell phone.

“Lily Shoshana Mendes. I love you. Things happened in our lives that hurt us and kept us apart for years. When you came back into my life, I was convinced I was a man that would never know the kind of love that makes men want more for another person than for themselves.” He takes my hand in his.

“I know we may never be great at this, but there is no one in this life that I’d rather share my daily joys, struggles, truths and adventures with than you.

You, Lily, have my heart—now and always. ”

With that, he draws out a box from his pocket. “Will you marry me, Lily?” He opens the box, and I can’t even see what it is, with the tears blurring my vision.

“Yes, Joshua Cohen, I will marry you.”

He leaps to his feet and grabs me, twirling me around, as the vendors all cheer. I hear the photographer’s camera clicking away.

Josh kisses me, and everything else around us disappears until it comes rushing back. It occurs to me—we are at my brother’s wedding.

“A question, I thought we were waiting until after Felicia’s and Eddie had their big day.”

“We were. But then your siblings kind of ganged up on me. They were not having it. They wanted this done and dusted so we can all celebrate together.”

I sniff, tears of joy having spilled out of my eyes. “I’m going to have to redo all my makeup.”

“You look beautiful to me.”

I look at him. “You’re off to a good start there Dr. Cohen. But please excuse me while I get cleaned up.”

“Of course, and then the photographer wants to get a few of us with the mountains in the background before we lose the light. Then we’d better get busy throwing this wedding.”

“Josh.”

“Yes Lily Anna.”

“Thank you for asking me.”

“Thank you for saying yes.”

Josh, Estes Park, The Same Night

Lily reappears with the most beautiful smile on her face.

She said yes! Damn, if that ring hasn’t been burning a hole in my pocket all day.

I’d purchased it the week I knew I’d do anything to get her back.

Abbie helped with the size, even before I knew whether I would get the chance to ask.

The caterers are setting up in the side building, and I check to make sure all the servers and the catering manager have what they need.

Meanwhile, Lily is working with the florist on the chuppah, the flower arrangements at the tables, and the string lights.

It’s starting to look really magical in here.

The rental company started setting up the chairs for the tent ceremony while the rest of their team was setting up the tables and chairs in the barn.

Lily ordered rolls of carpet to be placed between venues so guest’s shoes and dresses don’t get too dusty.

The bartenders are setting up three separate bars in the arrival area and two in the barn for later.

It’s all looking exactly like we’d discussed.

The bride, groom, and all the parents start to arrive; but now, it’s just a blur.

Lily’s siblings, Abbie, and Michelle all rush to her, asking to see the ring, offering ‘Congratulations!,’, ‘Mabrouk!,’ and ‘Mazal Tov!,’ to both of us.

All I can see is Lily; it’s almost as if there’s a spotlight on her everywhere I look.

Finally, the wedding starts with the ketubah signing, followed by the bedeken as Felicia is brought out on a chair by her family and friends.

Then, there’s drinking and dancing around the back of the ceremony site.

The ceremony itself begins as the Rabbi explains each component and talks as Rabbis will.

Felicia walks around Eddie seven times, and he breaks a glass under his foot.

This is followed by more shouts of ‘Mabrouk!’ and ‘Mazal Tov!,’ and, inevitably, more dancing.

Finally, we sit for a late dinner, which is just the beginning of the reception with even more dancing. I finish scarfing down my food and search for Lily.

Finally, I spot her coming out of the catering area. It’s been far too long since she was last in my arms.

“Hello there Dr. Cohen, my future husband.”

“Hello there Lilly Mendes, my future wife.” I wrap my arms around her.

“Just so you know Josh, none of our adventure in planning this wedding has endeared me to this process.”

“What are you saying to me, exactly?”

“I don’t want a wedding that’s anything like this. I say, we get to bring Nona, your mom, the siblings and Abbie. We meet in your backyard and have drinks in your living room. What do you think?”

“If you’re sure, that sounds kind of amazing.”

“Oh, I’m sure. I’m thinking a small ceremony on a Thursday, and we enjoy a nice weekend with our family before we go on a vacation together somewhere.”

“I see you’ve given this a great deal of thought.”

“All evening in fact.”

I put her beautiful face in my hands. “It sounds perfect.”

“I thought so.” She rests her head on my shoulder and surrounded by our families—I can’t imagine being any happier.

There are string lights hanging above us, the stars overhead and the woman I love in my arms. I can’t imagine a more perfect night.

Kissing the top of her head again, I close my eyes and try to memorize everything about this incredible time and place, to carry it with me—always.