Page 64 of Delayed Intention

Meet Me There

Last night I left Lily another note asking if she’ll meet me for a hike today.

Originally, my intention had been to give her space.

But something keeps drawing me back to make my case for another chance.

I’m new to all of this but it feels right to try.

I hope this isn’t me being a selfish asshole.

I think I’m doing the right thing. More than anything I don’t want the week to end without telling Lily the truth about how I feel.

I miss her so much.

Once I realized how much I love her, the thought came to me constantly, at random times. Each time it does, I continue to be surprised by this fact. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand how or why this happened, but the fact remains.

I do love her.

Lily and I are at a fork in the road, and it’s up to me to expose my feelings, and lay them all out in front of her.

My letter was not enough. Of course, it wasn’t.

She has been through so much, hurt by people who should have protected her.

I know that it isn’t my fault or my responsibility to fix it.

Yet I want to do anything I can to prove to her that I’m in her corner, if she’ll let me.

I didn’t think this could happen to me. It never occurred to me how much I could feel for a person. Wanting her to be happy, first and foremost. Wanting her in my life.

Okay, maybe it’s a little consuming. But that, in part, has to be due to the uncertainty. What will she say? Will she have me back?

I’m off the rest of the week for the wedding, and I let myself sleep in today.

Of course, I didn’t sleep half the night.

I was tossing and turning and replaying what I wanted to say to Lily and wondering if she would even go on this hike with me.

Her text comes while I’m brushing my teeth.

I freeze, toothbrush hanging out of my mouth, staring at the notification of her text.

Lily

I got your note, I woke up late. Give me 30 min?

I reply immediately.

Me

Sure. I’ll see you soon.

This is it. I’d written asking if we could meet at Kind Coffee again.

I’m hoping to hike with her over at Lumpy Ridge trailhead.

I chose it because it’s a five-minute drive from Kind Coffee and it’s not in the national park which has so many entrance restrictions this time of year.

Lumpy Ridge will be less crowded and give us more of a chance to talk face-to-face rather than in the car.

I grab my hiking bag and stock up on the essentials including water for both of us.

I decided to walk Ginger over to doggy daycare on my way there.

Throwing on my clothes I glance in the mirror.

I shaved my beard last week for the wedding and I don’t recognize myself.

I put some gel in my hair and lather the sunscreen on before I grab two ball caps in case Lily doesn’t have one.

I walk Ginger over to her doggie day camp, which is conveniently located on the way to Kind Coffee.

She starts pulling on her leash as soon as we arrive at the facility—she's so happy to be there. I signed her up for camp for the rest of the week and to board over the weekend, as I’ll be away from home too much to give her the attention she needs due to the wedding.

After I drop her, it sinks in that this is really it. Make or break time.

I walk toward Kind Coffee, which, as usual, has a line out the front door and into the parking lot. I spot Lily in the front of the queue and walk over to her.

“Hello.” Very smooth, Josh.

“Hi.”

“You look…” But I’m interrupted from stumbling through how I think she looks, which is fucking hot, but not what I want to say out loud…

“What can I get you folks?” The teenage barista starts before she recognizes me from her appointment last week when she’d burned her hand on the steamer wand.

“Hey Dr. Cohen, do you want your usual? The hand is doing well and I’m on cashier duty—like you suggested.” She, Marie, raises up a hand with a clean bandage across the palm.

“Sure, my usual coffee and Lily here would like an oat milk latte, is that right?”

“Yes please.” Lily says to Marie while making eye contact with me only. Warmth spreads through my chest, along with potentially stupid hope.

Marie rings up our order, and I add a few of their homemade granola bars to the snacks in my backpack. We wait for our drinks—both of us looking at the local art on the walls rather than talking to each other.

Eventually, I turned to her, “You drove?”

“Yeah, I snagged a spot in their lot, which is a miracle.”

She’s smiling at me. Her hair is in two braids, and she’s wearing an old Weezer concert T-shirt, leggings with a black cargo skirt over them, and hiking shoes. She looks adorable. I shove my hands in my pockets in an effort not to touch her.

I try for a smile instead, “That is a miracle. The trail we’re hiking is just five minutes away—but if we don’t drive there it’s a complicated walk—so thanks for driving.”

“No problem.”

“Here you go doc.” Another barista hands us our drinks. We walk out the back and around the building rather than fight the crowd to get back through the front door.

Climbing into her SUV, I give her directions to the trailhead.

We drive over in what I hope is comfortable silence, both sipping our coffees.

Arriving, I’m happy to see my calculation has paid off, and there’s almost no one here.

We climb out and sit on a bench, chatting about wedding prep while we finish our coffees.

“Is this what you wanted to talk about, last minute checklists for the wedding and rehearsal?” She’s giving me a teasing smile.

“No,” I smile at her. “It’s not. Let’s hike and I’ll explain as we go. Is that okay?”

“Okay.”

It’s just over a two-hour hike to Gem Lake. The views along the way are stunning, and it’s steep enough to keep the conversation light. When we arrive at the lake, we’re the only ones there. I scoped out a rock for us to sit on and handed her a water bottle and a granola bar we bought from Kind.

“It’s really beautiful up here.” Lily looks around, “Thank you for bringing me.”

“It is beautiful, isn’t it.” It’s a clear day so far, and the blue sky is reflecting in the lake surrounded by a wall of rocks along one side and greenery around the rest. I stand up from the rock and stretch. I take a breath and then face her head-on.

“Look Lily. Thanks for agreeing to meet me today and taking the time for the hike.” My mouth is starting to dry up, and I feel like I need to start walking again.

I don’t want to say the wrong thing so now I just sound so formal.

I run my hand through my hair and grab the back of my neck. Might as well get to the point.

“I wanted to talk to you because, well, I don’t want to pressure you or anything, but I was hoping that you’d consider maybe giving me another chance?”

There. I said it.

I’ve never felt so vulnerable in my life as I do in this moment as Lily stands and looks me in the eyes.

She smiles, and I breathe.

“That’s what you wanted to talk about?”

“Yes. I meant what I said in my last letter. I love you and I don’t know why it took me so long to realize how I felt about you. And I’m so sorry I made such a fucking mess of everything. I’ve given you no good reasons to take a chance on me…”

She starts closing the distance between us, and I stop finding words. Was I saying something?

“You want another chance.”

“Yes. Yes, I do.” Does she know how close she is to me?

Lily steps her feet toe to toe with mine, chin up, smelling of sunscreen and sunshine. She lifts her sunglasses off her face and looks into my eyes.

“Josh, I would like that. Very much. To give us another chance.” She wraps her arms around my neck, and the ground beneath my feet feels like it shifts.

“You would?”

Instead of an answer, Lily leans forward into me while stretching up on her toes and, before I can remember to breathe, she kisses me. I wrap my arms around her waist and draw her against me. The kiss isn’t passionate so much as gentle, like she’s reassuring me. Maybe she is.

I pull back just enough to speak. “Thank God.”

With that, I pull her close and feel her lips curl into a smile as we kiss again.

A surge of heat fills my chest and I’m lost in our kiss, and the feeling of her body in my arms again.

While I’m joined with her—the sun, the breeze, the sound of birds—everything is amplified.

Everywhere our bodies are touching is sending a current of awareness and lust through me.

I move my right hand off her waist, grab the back of her hair and deepen the kiss before pulling back, coming up for air.

“I missed kissing you, but that… felt like something more.”

Her lips are swollen and red, and she’s staring at my mouth. “It sure did.”

Looking her in the eye, I tell her again. “I love you, Lily Anna, so much.”

I can’t stop smiling, but it seems she can’t either, so I suppose I don’t look as unhinged as I think I do.

She turns her head and rests her cheek against my chest. “Then it’s a good thing I love you too.”