Page 56 of Delayed Intention

Measured Responses

“Damn girl. I thought he might have it in him, but that letter is extra.”

Abbie fans herself while I roll my eyes.

She’s staying with Nona and me for the week while she waits for her moving truck to arrive and unpack her place.

She moved into a two-bedroom apartment in Lincoln this week, close to the hospital, where she already has a job lined up.

She’s still friends with Dana, but things have cooled between them.

Abbie says Dana low-key freaked out when she decided to move to Nebraska.

Abbie tried to tell her it wasn’t about their “situationship,” but apparently, Dana wasn’t convinced.

I think she’ll come around once she realizes Abbie has her own life.

I hope so because I think they’re wonderful together.

“I know. It’s… a lot.” I look at the letter on my bed where Abbs has dropped it. “Do you think he really wrote it? Could he have used some AI program or something?”

“Lily,” Abbie narrows her eyes at me. “I was around y’all one day and that was more than enough time to see he has it bad for you. He definitely wrote it… Honestly, sometimes I just want to shake you.”

“Thanks?”

“In a loving, what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you way.”

“Right.”

“And you haven’t responded yet?”

My palms start to itch, so I sit on them.

“Well, I sent him a text. I didn’t want to be rude, so I sent a text saying, I got your letter. I’m thinking.”

“Uh huh.” She folds her arms. “Remind me how long you’ve been thinking?”

“Almost two weeks.”

“That poor man. I can’t believe you kept this from me for almost two weeks?!?” She chucks one of my throw pillows in my general direction. “Did you show it to Roselyn?”

“I did and I talked to Monica. And before you start in on me too, they both already told me I need to give some kind of answer soon, even if the answer is, I’m not sure.”

“Lily. Soon was over a week ago.”

“I know, I know.” I rub my palms on my sweats, and try to ignore the growing itchiness.

“It’s just, how can I trust him after he spoke about me with Felicia that way?

I don’t think he knows how he feels. How can this—” I point to the letter in question, “be from the same guy that insisted he doesn’t have the capability to love? ”

“Lily! He knows exactly how he feels. His letter says it all. You need to stop obsessing and do something. Even if it’s just moving in the direction of staying friends.”

“Well. I could send him a post card when we go to North Platte tomorrow?” Abbie and I are going out to the Buffalo Bill house tomorrow. As a kid, I was obsessed with the Annie Oakley exhibit there, and she wanted to see for herself what captivated the child version of me.

“A post card? Are you high?” She looks like she’s seriously reconsidering shaking me. “I think you should call him.”

“I… don’t know if I’m ready for that. Not yet.” I don’t know how to explain myself in a way that someone as fearless as Abbie will understand.

“Just think about it from his perspective. You are kind of stringing him along, you know?”

“That’s not my intention. I just need to protect myself.” I sigh. “Okay, I‘ll admit I don’t know what I’m doing. But I can’t be like you. You know?”

“I know.” She smiles sympathetically, “Lily, let’s just text him. Let him know you’re still ruminating. That you’re afraid of being hurt. That’s all I’m saying. Otherwise, he will probably assume the worst.”

I sigh. She’s not going to let this go. And she may have a point. The truth is, I’ve been as anxiety-ridden about not contacting him as I’ve been about contacting him, and now I’m stuck. I suppose I could just let him know that I’m still considering what to do. With Abbie here, I can face this.

“Okay. Let’s do it.”

I pull out my phone while Abbie looks over my shoulder.

Me

Hi

“Wow. Way to jump in with both feet Lily.” Before I can think of a clever comeback, the three dots indicating a reply is incoming appear . I almost dropped the phone.

Josh

Hello

“Now what?” I turn to Abbie.

“They’re your feelings—just tell him.”

I want you to know, I’m still thinking. I’ve read your letter a few times. I’m just afraid

K. Do you want to ask me questions? Would that help?

I turn to Abbie. “Well?”

“Ask whatever you want to ask. What’ve you got to lose?”

I think for a bit before answering.

How do I know this letter is how you really feel? As opposed to what you said in the bar.

I can tell you that letter is how I really feel. I couldn’t admit the truth to myself before.

Beyond that? You can give me time, to prove it to you. you can have all the time you need Lily.

The things you said to Felicia—what she told my mother. That was pretty worst case scenario.

I know and Lily I can’t tell you how sorry I am. It was the day of the blizzard, and I was trying to get Felicia off the idea there’s something romantic between us because I thought I was protecting you from your family.

I had no idea how much it would backfire.

That actually makes sense to me.

That actually makes sense to me. I hope you understand how important it is to me that I’m safe.

Of course I do

That’s when it all flashes before my eyes—how my life was, how trapped in fear I was.

How close this fear of being hurt by him almost sent me back there.

If I was a stronger person, I could have more faith.

I could put myself out there, and take a chance.

But more than I want to embrace Josh again and see where this goes, I am determined never to go back to a small life trapped in fear.

The life that kept me under Ellen’s thumb.

Feeling my heart literally break open in my chest, I bite my bottom lip hard as I type out a reply.

Then you will understand why I can’t date you. I can’t take the risk that you’ll hurt me again.

I am waiting for an answer and some acknowledgment.

“That’s not how I thought this was goin’ to play out.

” Abbie says softly from over my shoulder.

I realize the phone in my hand is blurred, and at the same time, I feel the heat of tears in my eyes.

She rests her hand between my shoulder blades.

It’s a good thing I only wear waterproof mascara, I think sadly.

I do understand. I’d hoped you’d make a different decision but I will respect whatever you need to do for yourself.

My phone starts vibrating in my hand.

“It’s him,” I say.

Abbie stands. “Come get me if you need me.” She squeezes my shoulder before she steps out of my room.

“Hello?” I manage.

“Hey.” God, the sound of his voice. I’ve missed him.

I can’t think of anything to say, so we sit in silence before Josh continues.

“I... I’m not going to try to talk you out of your decision. I… I love you and for that reason alone, I won’t do that to you.”

God, he sounds miserable. This whole situation is a complete disaster. I never should have kissed him in that clinic. But even thinking about that first kiss fills my traitorous body with longing to do it again. This sucks.

“I just wanted you to hear me say that. I love you, Lily. I won’t try to push you. Just… take care of yourself and let me know if you need anything. From me.”

“Okay.” Oh God. Tears are freely running down my face and I can’t think of anything else to say.

“I’ll see you at the wedding. If we don’t talk before.” He sighs. “Unless you don’t want me there.”

“I…” Would he do that? Not attend the wedding? For me? “I can’t make that decision for you. Please don’t put that on me.” Why do I sound like such an aloof bitch?

“Of course. I will plan on attending—but if you need me not to be there, just let me know. I’ll call out sick. Okay?”

“Okay.” I barely get the word out before I swallow down a sob. “I have to go.” Cry into my pillow, eat a gallon of ice cream, and hide under my covers.

“Of course. Thanks for answering.”

“Of course.” I repeat back, dumbly.

“Bye, Lily.”

And with that my heart shreds into a thousand pieces.

I numbly go to the kitchen where Nona keeps her paper address book from the National Gallery of Art—I sent it to her as a gift when I was in the sixth grade.

For some reason, the nostalgia of the book in my hands nearly shatters me over the edge.

But I steady myself since I am on a mission.

I looked up Jenny Park’s phone number and texted her without hesitation.

Hi Jenny, It’s your cousin, Lily. Sorry, things got weird the other day. My mom is a lot. I’m sure you already knew that.

About your question: Josh is totally single—I have no interest in dating him and you should totally ask him out. Have a nice day.