Page 10 of Delayed Intention

The Letter

Dear Josh,

If you don’t want to hear about why I behaved the way I did, please just hear my apology, and you can throw the letter out now.

Sincerely,

Lily Mendes

Still here?

Okay, if you’re still here—here’s the rest…

The reason why I didn’t answer your calls or respond to your text messages was because I was afraid.

Fear and anxiety have plagued me most of my life.

At that time, I had BIG feelings for you—and I was so afraid of being hurt that I decided to make a run for it.

The thing is: you were my best friend; and I’m sorry I pushed that aside to cower before my fears. I’d love to say I’ve grown up and moved on from fear, but anxiety is still a big part of my life. In many ways, I have become worse now than I was back then, if you can imagine it.

So, with that ringing endorsement, please, know how sorry I am; and, please, know I miss our friendship very much, even after all these years.

Full disclosure—I understand that Nona wants me to be her emissary to assist with my brother’s wedding planning.

IF and only IF the idea doesn’t repulse you, I’d like to help—Nona picked me because I work 7 days on and 7 days off at a hospital in Maryland where I am a Physician ASSISTANT, so I can work around your schedule and come out to Estes and make myself useful whenever it is convenient.

IF you don’t want to have my help, for whatever reason, I will understand.

I think if we hang out a few times before June, things will be less awkward for us at the wedding.

Of course, they may not be awkward for you at all; it may just be me.

So, for my sake, then, please consider it.

I hope you’ll accept my apology. Shoot me a text or email and let me know, and I will respect your decision.

Your (hopefully) friend,

Lily