Page 53 of Delayed Intention

She looks at me as if searching for something in my expression before she decides to go on. “Listen. I was just wondering, you and Josh. You’re not together, right?”

Why is she asking me this way; low-key hinting that Josh and I would be such an unlikely couple? I feel my hackles rise. Maybe she isn’t, and I’m overly sensitive. Suddenly, I felt like I should’ve stayed in my room with my journal and—quit while I was ahead.

In my head, I’m screaming. Actually, Jenny, since you asked, I’m in love with him.

He’s probably the only man I will ever love.

So, as of now, I will be getting some cats and just spinster out here with our Nona.

Our grandmother that you didn’t visit once when she broke her hip, even though you live twenty minutes from here.

Also, he doesn’t love anyone because he doesn’t “do relationships,” but if you are looking for a plus one for the wedding, that would make my world.

Oh my God, I can’t take this.

On brand, what I say is, in a near reincarnation of my earlier Howard Dean impression, “What me? And Josh? No way!” Too loud, Lily, too loud. I fake laugh, fully uncomfortable now.

“Why do you ask?” I smile even though it is literally causing me pain.

She briefly frowned like she’s worried she hit a nerve or that I might just be unhinged in general. She gets over it fast though.

“I mean he’s hot. You know? And now that his incident has cleared up, I was thinking… I would love to go out with him. But only if that’s okay with you?”

She puts her hand over mine when she says ‘only’ and I feel the bile rise in my throat. In an instant, my nausea is replaced by anger because by saying ‘his incident was cleared up,’ she’s admitting she considered he could’ve done those things he was accused of.

She doesn’t know him at all.

“Oh.” That was all I say out loud, however, followed by the inevitable, “It’s nothing to me. I barely know him.” My mouth dries up and then I burn my tongue with the tea Eli brought me.

I do know whenever he kissed me, the combination of tenderness and passion fooled my stupid heart.

Panic started to replace the nausea I was feeling. Need to go from here. Now.

I start to stand, “excuse me, I’m just going to…,” but I’m cut off by my mother, making her first contribution for the evening.

Time stops.

As does my breath, my heart, and everything else in the room.

“Jenny,” my mother pauses to make sure she has commanded the attention of the entire room, “Don’t be ridiculous—they are just old friends.” Ellen smiles that model smile that used to grace a few catalogs and one perfume ad. “Lily isn’t his type at all.”

I’m frozen. Jenny can sense, despite her vapid personality, that something is afoot and seems surprised my mother is even speaking to us.

“Oh.” That is all she said, glancing at me before my mother spoke again.

“In fact, Felicia heard all about how Lily got herself stuck in Estes during a snowstorm,” she used her fingers as air quotes around the word stuck and pauses for dramatic effect.

She smiles again, this time with more teeth, and presses on, “but Josh assured Felicia that he has zero romantic interest in Lily. At all.”

For her part, the bride in question had been walking back into the dining room with dessert plates and had the grace to be unable to make eye contact with me.

I vaguely heard her whisper something unintelligible as she put the plates down and rushed back to the kitchen.

Eddie had been following her with dessert and was left standing, looking confused, before he went after her.

“The point is, Jenny,” my mother continues, looking at me and not my cousin, clearly relishing whatever is playing out on my face, “Josh told him Felicia all about Lily’s sad little crush. He’s entirely single. You should call him.”

I watch as my father abruptly stands while glaring at my mother, his chair crashing on the floor behind him. Glaring down at her he hissed, “Ellen! That is enough!!!”

The grandchildren, whose chatter was audible from around the corner, seemed to have all stopped talking at once. In fact, all the sound has stopped. It’s as if the entire family is taking a collective gasp.

“What?” My mother doesn’t even bother to look at her husband. “Someone had to tell her, she’s been making a fool of herself—”

With that, my father slammed his fist on the table just in front of my mother’s seat. She doesn’t even flinch. A few dessert plates rattle in their stack. She just continues to smile at me.

She loves this.

My father leans into her personal space and enunciates close to her ear, “I said. That’s enough.”

My mother deigns to turn her head to the side and look up at him.

She raises one eyebrow as if to say she’s done talking because she decided she was done.

For my part, I stand and walk over to my father, on my way back to my room.

He’s standing again, but I can’t look directly at him.

My humiliation is too acute. But I stop, right next to him, plant my hand on his shoulder, and leave my hand there for a moment.

He deflates under my touch like he had been a balloon, and I was the pin.

He put his opposite hand on my hand, and we are just there, together.

The first sound in the house is the squeaky wheels and plodding of stoppers on a walker.

Nona has now made her way over to my mother and I can practically hear her gripping the handles of her walker.

In the corner of my periphery, I see she stops right next to her eldest daughter’s chair.

“Happy Passover Ellen. I hope you’ve enjoyed dinner. Now, however, I think you should leave.”

Ellen . That’s who she is. No mother, mom, or eema would treat their daughter the way she treats me.

Without waiting to hear Ellen’s response, I put one foot in front of the other, making my way to my room.

I feel the burn of wet heat behind my eyes, the adrenaline racing in my heart, and the shuddering of a sob attempting to escape my chest up the column of my throat.

Roselyn, who had been behind my father at the entrance from the den, is at my side and has tears in her eyes.

I raise a placating hand to stop her from speaking to me before she cracks the fragile remains of my dignity here in this hallway with everyone’s eyes on my back.

“I’m going to bed now,” my cheerful, fake voice sounds like it is coming from a voiceover rather than my mouth .

My back is to the dining room, so no one can see me but Ros.

And the children. They all look frightened.

Luckily for them, they don’t live in a world where adults raise their voices.

I don’t feel sorry for myself; I’m just exhausted.

I turn to my sister without meeting her eyes.

“Maybe Emmy can come tuck me in later? I’m bushed.

I need to make some phone calls and so, maybe in about an hour? ”

“Sure honey.” Roselyn plays along. “Emmy brought mud masks; you can do them with her later.”

She touches my arm as I pass.

Everyone knows I have no one to call. It’s the first night of Passover, and therefore, yom tov. Who would I be calling? I didn’t even make it to the conclusion of the Seder.

Nope, no self-pity thoughts. Dinner was a huge success.

My dad stood up for me. After I stood up for him.

We had a whole thing. It probably made Ellen jealous, and that’s why she lashed out…

There I go, trying to figure out narcissism.

The sob doesn’t leave my chest. It’s just lodged there, painful, like a pill that went down the wrong way.

The tears are flowing freely, though. That’s probably healthy.

Maybe normal?

After I hear the sounds of the end of the Seder dying out, I hear a soft knock at my door.

I answer through the door as an act of self-preservation.

Roselyn leans against the door, asking if I’m available to talk to Felicia for a minute.

Thanking God she knows me well enough to stand as my intermediary, I say no.

Then I crack the door and whisper for Roslyn to hear.

“Look, tell her everything about me and Josh, it’s fine. Otherwise, she and Ed are going to feel so awkward around him tomorrow. Tell her this is what Ellen always does.” I sigh. “It’s not Felicia’s fault. Make it clear Ros, that it’s not her fault but I can’t… I need to be alone now.”

“I understand. Do you still want Emunah to come by?”

“Yes. Tell her give me 5 minutes and to bring those mud masks. We’ll read Percy Jackson together or play cards.”

“Sure thing, Lily.”

I wash my face, enjoying the feel of my cleansing oil as I rub circles onto my face.

Gently rinsing with warm water, I feel myself relax into this routine as I unpack the evening without spiraling.

Nona and my father were my heroes this evening, while Roselyn and David are my real and found family at the same time.

Full of gratitude for their presence in my life, my heart feels some hope by the time Emunah is at my door.

“Hi Aunty Lily.”

“Hi kiddo. Let’s go say goodnight to Nona before we put these on, so we don’t scare her, but we’ll take the secret passage.”

Meaning, let’s cut through the shared bathroom because I don’t want to engage with anyone I don’t need to right now.

We exit through the back of my room to the jack-and-jill bathroom and go out the other side to Nona’s room. She’d left her bathroom door open and was sitting at her vanity.

She sees Emunah and knows that is my way of asking her not to talk about anything serious for now.

“Look at you two with your matching pajamas.” She smiles at us.

My Nona is still a tall woman, and if you didn’t know her, she’d be intimidating, I suppose.

But her smile is disarming. It’s a warm grin that takes over her entire face.

And whether she’s wearing a night gown and robe or an Oscar de la Renta dress, she becomes as warmth and genuine midwestern charm the moment she smiles.

“We wanted to say goodnight.” I kiss her on the head.

“Good night, dears.”

“I love you, Nona.” Em tries to kiss her head but can only reach above her ear.

“I love you both so much.” She looks at each of us. “Anyone want a hug tonight? Or are we having a hands-off day?”

Emunah and I grin at each other and move in to give her the awkward sideways hugs we are both known for.

After the masks, we start a new chapter of Em’s book but it’s so late she’s fast asleep within minutes. It’s then I realize I am okay. More than okay.

That’s when I checked my phone and saw something new had happened.

My brothers and sisters have started to rally for me.

Most of my mother’s master manipulation of her children has involved having individual encounters with each of us and then spinning her side of the story to the rest of us—pitting us against each other.

Tonight, however, we were all a witness to her being…

well, herself. In response, my siblings—well, most of them—messaged me after I went to my room. The first text was from Arjun.

Arjun

Thanks for the curry and the Passover-naan. It was really awesome of you to do that.

Tamar also texted me, thanking me for making her husband feel so included. Her three kids all sent me texts, thanking Nona and me for the dinner.

A bit later, Joseph and his husband had left me a voicemail. They sound like they went out for drinks on top of whatever wine they had with dinner. To be honest, it sounds like it was fun. I can hear a busy club and house music in the background of their message.

“My mother-in-law is a bitch.” Eli laughs into the phone without humor.

“Dinner was awesome and we’re so glad we got to see how happy you are here.

” I hear the sounds of what must be Joe grabbing the phone.

“You’re a good person Lily. If there’s something going on with Josh, he’s lucky.

If not, it’s his loss. You… deserve more than you ever got. ”

Nothing from Daniella, which tracks. She probably didn’t notice anything had happened. Must be nice. Her husband, Justin, texted me, thanking me for dinner and hoping we could go for drinks before they leave town mid-week. Bless his heart.

That’s a hard maybe .

Honestly, my heart may ache, but it’s mostly because my siblings were supportive in a way I didn’t expect some of them to be.

I mean, they are kind of a mess, but they showed up for me tonight, and I would never have known that it would be possible if it were not for this dinner.

I realize I may not be the only child in my home that has grown into someone that needs therapy.

As alone as I felt for so long, my brothers and sisters may not have had it as easy as I once thought.

As I was led to believe. Snuggling into my cozy bed, I know.

I look forward to getting to know each of them in a new way.