Page 32 of Delayed Intention

Another Letter

Dear Lily Anna,

I hope this letter finds you well.

I suppose by now, you have moved into your grandmother’s house, and hopefully, the winter in Nebraska is not making you regret your decision.

I’m currently working at our Laramie clinic.

They’ve already started to have a bad flu season here and maybe it’ll be busy enough that I’ll forget to be miserable, but the truth is, I’m often thinking of you, and I can’t imagine I’ll stop.

I regret how things are broken between us because of my stupidity.

You once asked me to forgive you for making a mistake. I want to make it clear that I have forgiven you. That is unconditional. The more I’ve gotten to know you in the last few months, the more I realize there is nothing to forgive.

And now I’m the one asking for forgiveness.

So, this is me asking, can you forgive me? More than that, will you be my friend again?

I’m sorry I was an asshole at Hanukkah. I am sorry that I was ignoring you.

In light of everything that happened since then—from Rose’s fall to the letter you had sent me…

I can imagine that you feel betrayed. So many people in your life have let you down, and you don’t deserve that.

You deserve understanding and friendship.

If I could go back, I would’ve done that night so differently… but I didn’t. And here we are.

I want to tell you that the way I acted is not a reflection of you.

I was simply behaving that way because I was afraid of how much your friendship has come to mean to me.

I can see that now. The thing is, I don’t know why I’ve kept myself from being committed to anybody other than my work partners and my immediate family.

Maybe it’s simple psychology? My father left right in the middle of my adolescence, and it wounded me. Maybe I’m stuck as an adolescent?

The unvarnished truth is that I don’t believe I’m capable of relationships.

The way I behaved that night kind of proves my point, doesn’t it?

Honestly, I don’t believe most people are capable of the personal sacrifice that being in a real friendship requires.

I have seen some exceptions, of course. My sister Michelle and her husband, Alan, are the kind of people who are perpetually in love and almost make me believe in marriage. Almost.

The whole reason I acted the way that I did— ironically— was that I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.

That night, at Rose’s, you looked so incredible, and I felt differently in that moment, toward you, than I should for a friend, and it scared the hell out of me.

I’m not trying to excuse myself. I just hope you know that this was about me being messed up— and not about you.

What I’m saying is I don’t know how to be a friend to a woman. Especially one I find so attractive. But for you, I want to try. You are one of the most amazing people I know, Lily. I would try anything to have you in my life.

I miss you so much. I’ve always missed you, but now that I’ve had you back in my life, I miss you more than ever. I hope that you can forgive me.

Your poor excuse for a friend,

Josh