Page 46 of Delayed Intention

The Divide

James ended up staying behind, electing the two lumberjack-looking patrons to escort me home, with Lily leading the way.

Lily had taken my keys from my coat and unlocked the door of my house without even glancing at me.

The two men asked her if she thought she would be okay with me.

With me. Of course, they were asking that.

I had been towering over her, telling her off, shouting at her.

My friend, who is sweet, kind, and wounded by life.

I cringe, replaying some of the things I said to her in the bar. Not to mention what she said to me.

She said she loved me.

As a friend? As more? Maybe she meant it as a friend, and I overreacted. I was so drunk, and I felt sobriety flip on like a light switch from the shock of my behavior, and the things I said to her. As I sat down on my sofa, one of the men gave her his cell number in case she needed help.

I’m an actual ruiner of good things.

I am my father’s son.

Ginger is sitting nearby, lying flat and whining while watching the proceedings around her. She can tell something is wrong.

Can I even apologize? I was drunk, and I said so many horrible things to her; what would I even start with?

Will she accept another apology from me?

I didn’t mean it; I was feeling helpless, shitty, attacked, and defensive.

And now I’m the asshole. Before I realized what had happened, the two men had left, and now she is closing the door to my house and turning back to face me.

“Don’t worry, I have a room at a hotel. I will make sure Ginger has food, and I’ll get out of your way.”

Her eyes are red from crying.

I did that. I made her cry.

She loves me.

But I know what she meant. She’s in love with me. The kind of love I’ve never been capable of. And now, I have a choice. I can tell she wants to take it back, to pretend that she meant it as friends, because she exposed this to me, and I was cruel.

I close my eyes. I know she didn’t intend to say it, but it came out, and now, I can’t unknow it.

She loves the shittiest man this side of the Rockies who doesn’t even have a job.

I can’t offer her anything. Not love, not security, and not even kindness.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this, or at least not make things worse.

“Lily Anna,” I croaked, opening my eyes.

She continues to the kitchen, picking up Ginger’s bowl, placing it on the counter, and refilling the kibble without looking my way.

“What, Josh? What could you possibly want to say to me at this point? I don’t think I have any other wounds for you to pour salt in, but maybe I’m wrong. I’m sure you know best.”

“Lily,” I close my eyes again, exhausted. “I didn’t mean what I said. I’m drunk and angry at the situation, not you. You’re my friend, and what I did back there at the bar was so shitty. I lashed out at you because my life feels so fucked and…”

I’m scrambling now because I know I don’t love her the way she loves me. Being the garbage excuse for a man that I am, I can’t love her enough. But I can try to say the sincerest words I can think of without being hurtful.

“Please, Lily,” I venture, with nothing left to lose, “I can’t lose you, on top of everything else. I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve for me to shout at you like that. You are such a good friend for driving here and… are you… okay?”

She turned back away from me, filling the dog’s water bowl, before walking back toward me.

She is looking at me but doesn’t maintain eye contact.

I’m screwing this up by not talking about the love part, but I can’t risk hurting her more than I already have tonight.

Or maybe I’m not talking because I’m a coward.

She starts to button up her coat. “You were drunk, as you said. It’s fine.

And I’ll be okay. Like I said before, I have my shit handled. ”

She says the words, but I can tell by her flat tone that it’s not fine. I think of how she is used to her mother talking down to her, belittling her that way, and I’m sick with the knowledge that I was no better.

"Josh, are you going to be okay now? Because I need to get some sleep; it was a long drive.”

I know I’m pleading with my eyes for forgiveness that I don’t deserve. I want resolution and to feel like we are back to normal, but I’ve lost that privilege.

“Don’t worry about me. Do you have time for breakfast in the morning?”

She can’t even maintain eye contact with me. Fuck .

“Yeah, sure. I can meet you at the diner, and I’ll go home after that.”

“Okay. Um… thanks for coming up here and for… trying.” God, that sounds so weak. I don’t deserve her as a friend, let alone anything else.

She rushes for the door, continuing to avoid meeting my eyes, and says, “Bye, Josh,” through the back of her head.

Then she stops in the doorway and turns, looking right at me.

“The thing about this love, Josh,” she says as she puts a hand over her heart, “is that I love you despite how you are sometimes. I love you—whether you love me or not. That’s the nature of it.

It’s unconditional. You warned me not to, but it happened and what can I do?

” She shrugs one shoulder before she studies my face, as my unease deepens.

“Your attorney will hire a private investigator. She will figure out which angry woman is behind those false allegations and restore your good name. Your life will be back to how it was. You will be fine.”

Her eyes fill with tears, and I have an ache below my sternum at the thought of losing her.

“If anyone has a life that is fucked, I guess it’s me.”

Having proven she is the one with more courage, she turns as I say nothing and closes the door behind her, heading out into the night.

I collapse on the sofa and sit there staring at nothing for what seems like an eternity. Sometime later, I realized I must have fallen asleep. I look at my phone and see missed calls from Michelle and my mother. Ginger is lying at my feet and puts her snout on my leg with a low whine.

I look at her. “I’m a self-pitying asshole, Ginger.”

She wags her tail at the sound of my voice.

More love I don’t deserve.

At some point I hear my phone is ringing—a number I don’t recognize. Thinking I couldn’t receive any worse news at this point, I answer it, surrendering to whatever awaits me on the other end of the line.

“Hello?”

“Josh?”

“Who is this?”

“It’s Abbie Waters, Lily’s best friend.”

“Abbie. I—”

“Nope, me first, Josh. First of all, It would upset Lily if she knew I called you. This was my idea. Get that straight. Speaking of, I was able to find your cell number with no problem—maybe that vengeful ex of yours has posted your number on your clinic’s social media profiles.

Unless you have another ex out there doing that?

Anyway, that’s how I got your number, so you might want to address that. ”

“Thanks.” I wait to see what insults she’s planning to hurl at me, but nothing happens. I wait, assuming the indefensible position that I have put myself in.

Eventually, she clears her throat.

“My friend… our friend,” she corrects herself, surprising me, “is worthy of being cherished. Do you know that?”

“I do.”

“Listen, I’ve had life try to break me on the rocks of its shores. I get suffering, is what I’m saying—and I know you’ve had some too. But Lily? Her love… it shouldn’t be wasted.”

“It shouldn’t be wasted on me.”

“Don’t put words in my mouth.” She snapped. “I saw you with her. You have more feelings for her than you’re aware of. My theory is that’s why you were so horrible to her. She terrifies you. I’m sure your feelings do.”

“What are you saying?”

“Fix things with her before it’s too late. You may not be worth it, but she sure is.”

“Listen, Abbie—”

“Love is a decision, Josh. It doesn’t fall from the sky.

So, decide. Is her happiness worth more than yours?

Would you do anything for her—for her safety, her joy, her heart?

The other thing to consider is that you seem to spend more energy keeping her out of your heart than it would cost you to let her in. Maybe think about that.”

Shit, she has me there. I’ve been so focused on my inability to be relationship material that it did seem to be a coat of armor I was putting on rather than something natural. I barely knew Abbie, and yet she was dismantling my entire surface personality. Damn .

“And Josh?”

“Yeah?”

“If you ever shout at her like that again, I will be your worst nightmare. I’ll bring friends, very butch friends, and we will beat the shit out of you.”

“I don’t deserve her.”

“I never said you did. Make things right, or you will regret it forever. Trust me.”

“I’ll try.”

She hung up without saying goodbye.

Waking up this morning, I was not as hungover as I expected, but I was thoroughly exhausted.

Having hardly slept, I required a significant influx of caffeine to make my way to the shower.

If my new habits keep up, I will have to invest in a much larger bottle of aspirin.

Michelle called after I fixed my third cup of coffee.

“What the fuck, Josh?”

“Good morning, Miche.”

“What did you do to Lily? She sounded… wounded. She wouldn’t tell me what you did because, of course, she wouldn’t. But I could tell, even only having talked to her one other time since the early aughts, that you fucked up.”

I sighed. “I didn’t react well to her kindness. Suffice it to say, I was drunk and defensive and I… I don’t know why, but it was like I wanted to push her away. I mean, I told her from the beginning, I don’t do relationships…”

I stopped short. Even I could hear that I made this statement as an excuse to take what I want while giving fuck-all back to the other person. It seems even I can’t stand my bullshit anymore, so I stopped talking.

I swallow as I hear my sister sigh with an almost Herculean effort at not reaching through the phone to strangle her little brother.