Page 54 of Delayed Intention

What Did You Expect?

Passover Seders seem to get longer every year.

Even tonight, when we’ve done an abridged version to avoid provoking exhaustion-associated tantrums from my nieces.

It isn’t just this Seder, though. Lately, everything seems to take longer than necessary.

The line at the grocery, the wait on hold with an insurance company, the line at the coffee shop.

Every person seems to want to talk about unnecessary bullshit when all I want is quiet.

My increased irritability is in part because I’ve cut out alcohol temporarily.

After getting hammered every night, drinking too much, and too often, I could see it was getting out of hand.

Since I’m on call tonight, I can’t even drink the obligatory Seder wine.

I’m on the grape juice along with the kids.

I’m depressed.

It’s no wonder. In the last month, my life blew up, and I had to start over after a rather public humiliation. I was abandoned by my practice and people I had considered my friends. And then there’s Lily. Well, there’s no Lily, is the thing.

Finally , it’s time to eat the actual meal. I feel relief because my body is hungry, but I can tell I’m just going through the motions.

I miss her.

Closing my eyes, I sigh.

This obsession with her needs to chill. If it was up to me, I’d never let her go, but her wish is to be free of me. She can and will find someone better. Someone who can be the person she needs. A man who knows better than to blow it if she offers her heart to them.

I look around the table and realize too late my mother was talking to me but I’ve missed the thread. Everyone is looking at me, concerned. Mom’s holding a side dish she was trying to pass to me. When did we even start the meal?

I take the roasted potatoes and put a ladle of them on my plate.

“Sorry Mom, what was that?”

“How’s the new job?” She enunciates for effect as if I’m hard of hearing. Cute .

“It’s good. I mean, I’m the new guy, which is why I’m on call right now.

But Janet, that’s Dr. Hendricks, said anything emergent tonight and she’ll meet the patient in the clinic, as long as I agreed to screen all the calls, which I can do from here.

No calls so far though. Overall, the patients are pleasant and the place is run very efficiently by the medical assistant and office manager.

Not to mention, going to one office is a nice change of pace. ”

The quiet looms over the table after my overcompensating babble, but Alan rescues the flow of conversation by talking about the plans he has with their kids while he is home on leave this week.

He was able to secure a last-minute trip here after he received notification he’ll be reassigned to a new base.

I could tell the kids were excited to have him for five whole days; it’s all the older girls talked about when I first walked in the door.

Alan’s forced distance from his family and the pressure it puts on Michelle should put my life into perspective. At the same time, even though I know better, I’m fucking miserable.

The one thing I never expected has happened.

I’m realizing, much too late, that I love her.

I love Lily Shoshana Mendes .

I’m in love with her, and I fucking miss her so much.

Her laugh, her quirkiness, her honesty, her awkwardness.

The feeling of her leaning that body against mine.

The way she fits perfectly in my arms. The surprising passion between us…

That first kiss at the clinic was tentative like she was making sure I was on board—as if I could be anything else.

But then, as she became more comfortable, the heat between us became intense.

It never went past making out, and now that I’ve proven what a piece of shit I am, I’m glad I held back.

Not that it was easy. Part of me knew that it would all blow up, just like it did.

Somehow, dinner is over, and my nieces are kissing me goodnight on the cheek.

A slice of almond cake is handed to me, and I take a bite without tasting it.

I’m stuck so far in my head that I’m almost sorry I came to dinner.

I’m terrible company. My mind is desperate to figure out how to fix what is likely beyond repair. This spiraling has to stop.

I turn to Alan.

“So, do you know much about your next base?”

“Well, it’s in the U.S. for a change, but it’s only temporary.

I don’t know why they can’t just hire contractors for jobs like this, but I guess using someone like me saves them a few dollars.

Anyway, I’ll be in Bethesda, Maryland, at the Naval hospital there.

Michelle and the girls will get to come for a visit and see some sights. ”

“Honestly I don’t know why we ever paid for that preschool,” my sister scoffs, but is smiling.

And because I can’t help myself, I say, “That’s Lily’s neck of the woods. I’m sure she could give you some great ideas for places to visit with the kids.”

Michelle side eyes me. “Really, Josh?”

My mother’s looking at me, worry in her eyes. “Michelle, be nice to your brother, can’t you see he’s suffering?”

“Well Josh, what did you expect?” Michelle doesn’t seem angry so much as exasperated.

Might as well put it all out there. “I didn’t expect to fall in love with her, that’s for sure.”

That shuts everyone the hell up.

Closing my eyes, I’m viscerally aware that putting those words out into the universe makes their truth more terrifying than they were in my head.

No one else is talking, so I will state the obvious. “I’m in shock; I never thought...”

Whatever was the end of my thought is lost as I catch my mother’s expression. She looks fit to burst, almost happy. No, not happy, more like she’s satisfied.

“Love, is it?” She asks me. I don’t answer and go back to looking at the cake I can’t taste. Should’ve kept my mouth shut.

We clear the table, and I feel like everyone’s waiting to hear what crazy thing I’ll say next.

Now that I’ve told everyone, I feel a combination of nauseated, relieved, and terrified that she’s gone for good.

At the same time, even if it scares the hell out of me, the truth is freeing.

It’s hard to believe I ever faced my feelings.

I mean, I’ve insisted for so long that this wasn’t possible for me.

And yet here I am. Hoping it’s not too little too late.

She may decide I’ve fucked up one too many times.

Or that she can’t trust me to commit. I feel like I would walk through fire, naked, down the middle of Elkhorn Ave, just to beg her on my knees to take me back.

Who am I anymore?

Helping with the dishes, I feel edgy—not knowing how she is doing…

it’s agony. I mean, for all I know, she may never speak to me again, which would be what I deserve.

The biggest part of my misery is not knowing if I can ever be any good for her.

Part of me loves her enough to realize the better part of valor might be to let her go.

At the same time, I worry, not knowing how she is, if everything is going okay at her job, with her family…

We decided to make coffee after dinner, since I’m driving home tonight.

I’m sitting and talking to Alan when I get my first call.

I wonder if it’s a tourist since I don’t recognize the area code.

The calls from the clinic are supposed to go to an answering service to page me, but maybe they decided this call needed to come straight through.

“This is Dr. Joshua Cohen. How can I help?”

“You can help, Josh, by explaining what the hell you are doing to my sister?”

“Um… who is this?”

"It's Joe Mendes." Before I can say anything else, he charges ahead, his tone between frosty and enraged. “Ellen humiliated her at dinner tonight. She gave this big speech about how you told Felicia you were ‘in no way interested’ in my sister. Mom insisted she was quoting you—a conversation apparently Ellen overheard and grilled the na?ve idiot over what you’d said, no doubt trying to figure out why Lily left to live in Lincoln. Since my mother has no insight, she thought the move was about feelings for you, not anything she’d done. So, since she thought it was for you, she wanted to pull the plug on any hope Lily may have had.”

No, no, no.

How could this situation have gotten any fucking worse?

This is how.

I think back to the afternoon of the blizzard and how I felt uneasy about Felicia’s questions, about how little she seemed to know about Lily.

Fuck .

“Are you even listening to me, Josh?”

“Yes, Joe. I’m listening. I know I need to fix this. This is my fault—I need to talk to Lily.”

“Talk to her?!? I don’t think that’s a good idea. For you, maybe, but not for my sister. Yes—you need to fix this—but in a way that leaves my sister out of your life. I've heard how you operate, Josh and Lily’s not some bimbo you can take to your bed and leave behind, do you hear me?”

I started to answer, but he’s not done.

“I mean, you know my mother. Did it ever occur to you not to overshare with a virtual newcomer to the family? Felicia has an excuse. You don’t.”

“I… I love her.” I say weakly.

His dark chuckle sounds humorless.

“Really, Josh? You think you love her? What evidence can you give me of that? Oh, I’ve got it—now that you’re about to lose her, you’ve caught feelings about it. And tonight is when you realized it?!?”

Ouch .

“Listen, Joe, I have my own shit. I didn’t know how I felt, okay? I didn’t know. It’s just in the last few days it finally hit me. I do love her.”

Now, I can’t seem to stop saying it, even though I can hear him scoffing at me. I realize my sister, Alan, and my mother are listening intently to my side of this exchange.

“Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. But I know it now. This is all new to me, but I’m going to figure this out.”