Page 2 of Delayed Intention

When I come back, he’s setting pillows up around the floor at the end of his bed. He’s changed into a faded David Bowie T-shirt and grey sweatpants. He might as well be wearing a tuxedo, as far as my physical reaction to him is concerned.

He has a tray and has already set up some shots. I hesitate, looking at the lineup of drinks before us.

“I hope this tastes better than the screwdriver,” I mutter.

He laughs, and I smile at him.

Raising a shot of peach schnapps to my lips, I freeze, struck by the idea that Josh may want to kiss me.

No way —he wants to be friends, nothing more— right?

He doesn’t see me that way. But it occurs to me that whatever happens next, I’m throwing back shots with my crush.

I’ve hung out with Josh a thousand times before—but tonight feels different.

We don’t drink like this, for one thing.

It feels like anything could happen, and my sense of anticipation intensifies.

Like, I’m getting a little drunk with this boy that I’ve worshiped for my entire life.

And it’s just us in his room, without parents at home.

My heart thuds in my chest for more than one reason—if he did want to kiss me, would I panic?

Will I become invaded by thoughts I don’t want to have right now?

Josh clears his throat again.

“You okay, Lily Anna?” And God, I love it when he calls me that. My real name is Lily Shoshana, but I told him once I loved the name Anna, and he remembers. Because that’s what Josh does. I also like it because he’s the only person who calls me that.

“Of course, why?” That’s when I realize I’ve paused with the shot glass in front of my mouth, which must look insane. How long have I been frozen like this? I toss the drink back, hoping he won’t ask me what’s on my mind.

“You kinda paused, you know?”

“Yeah.” And this is when the schnapps flipped a switch in my brain. Now, feeling less nervous, I carefully study him. Seeing him like this, I can’t think of a time I haven’t felt infatuated with him. Can he see how I feel? Should I flirt with him?

“Hey, Lily?” Josh snaps me out of my head.

“Yes, Josh.”

“You sure you’re feeling alright? You seem…strange.”

I smile at him with closed lips, careful to hide my gappy teeth.

“I feel…” I close my eyes to think about what parts of how I feel I can say aloud. All this while I lean back against the edge of Josh’s bed.

“I feel wonderful.” Turning my body to face him again, still leaning against the bed, I determined that flirting should be the next move I made. “I’m glad we did this.” Stop sounding so eager. “I mean, it’s chill.”

“Yeah?”

“Uh-huh.” The warmth from the alcohol is now humming through my body, starting to shush the voices in my head that plague me.

I’ve only had a bit of wine here and there before—nothing close to what I drank tonight.

And this feels amazing, but also a little out of control, like I can’t keep from saying everything I’m thinking.

Oh God. There are things I don’t want to think about, let alone blurt out loud. Okay. Focus on something flirty but not weird.

“I was thinking… I was surprised you wanted to be here with just me.”

“Why do you always think that, Lily?”

“You don’t know how it is for me at home.” You think I’m something; they think I’m nothing.

I look over, and Josh is shuffling music on his MP3 player, which he’s got attached to a speaker.

He looks up at me and smiles. He’s such an easy person to be around—I can’t explain it, but I feel calmer around him than I do around most people.

His mom, Georgette, is awesome too. She and my grandmother are best friends—that’s how we met.

When I was little, I wished that Georgette was my mother.

That’s not how it is, though. Besides, that would make Josh my brother, and that would be weird.

Part of me wishes my mom would get so sick of me that she’d send me to live with my grandmother. I don’t have that kind of luck, though.

I’ve never felt at home with my family. My siblings are all tall, blonde, and sporty.

My mom was a model before she became a doctor, and all my brothers and sisters look like her.

Not me. I’m average height with frizzy brown hair like my dad’s, and my boobs are way too big.

People think they want that, but when you don’t have options, let’s just say it is one of many things I wish God had done differently with me.

My siblings are also all great at school, and I just struggle.

For most of my life, I’ve had too many worries and fears, and the strongest emotion my mom seems to have for me is annoyance, while my dad just seems indifferent.

As far as my brothers and sisters go, I just try to stay out of their way.

But with Josh, he almost makes me feel like I’m as cool as he is.

Josh settles on playing a Weezer album and sits back down, facing me the way I’m facing him.

My liquid courage starts talking before I can think better of it. “You know where my favorite place in the world is?” Be careful.

“Tell me, Lily Anna, where’s your favorite place in the world?”

“My favorite place is Estes Park. When we all go there. Hiking, riding horses. My brain is quieter there. Did you know my brain was loud?” Josh looks like he is about to answer, but I keep going. “I mean, Nebraska is great, because of Nona Rose. And you’re here.” Oh God. That’s close to the truth.

“Estes is your favorite place?” He is looking at me in a way that has me swooning.

“Yeah, because of the mountains. If I love a place on this planet, it’s the mountains in Colorado. They scare me when we drive in—I mean, how do those cutouts for the roads stay stable? One day, I wish I could live there and be a park ranger.” I throw back another shot.

Josh, who knows I come from two generations of physicians, raises his brows at me.

My verbal diarrhea goes on— a world without end.

“That’d be my dream job. I made the mistake of telling my mother that once.

” I can hear that my words are slurred a bit, so I slow down to concentrate on what I’m saying more.

“I’m meant to be a doctor, not a park ranger.

” I lurch forward to make a point of making eye contact.

Josh blinks at me when I get too close to his face.

Yikes. I try to pull back . “The idea of having to go to that much school makes me want to run away from home, and also vomit, so I try not to think about it.”

Josh looks fascinated, watching the unraveling of my typical quieter self. He has this gorgeous half-smile on his face that makes me want to kiss him so much. “I’m sure your mom would be happy whatever you wanted to be in life.”

I let out a fake laugh. “Josh! You know I must be a doctor. And my mom is not your mom,” I’m poking him in the chest now. “You are very beautiful, you know that? And I am glad we don’t have the same mom.” Oh God, in heaven, why can’t I pass out or vomit or something less embarrassing?

“Thank you,” Josh says, not unsettled by my ranting and fully smiling at me now. “You are beautiful too. I’ve always thought so.”

“No way—” I put my free hand on his arm, and we both looked at it, “Did you just say that or did I imagine it? Is this being drunk? Because I really, really like it.”

Josh laughs, “You feel that way now, but you might change your mind when the hangover comes.” He turns more serious and reaches his free hand to twirl a strand of my hair around his finger.

My heart stops a beat, along with my breath.

What is happening? “And yes, I said that. You are very pretty, Lily.” That stuns me into silence.

My brain, which is never quiet, is suddenly completely blank.

I sigh, without restraint. I attempt to refocus on Josh and realize he is still staring at me.

“You sighed,” he says with that kissable half-smile on his face. This is not like the smirk my brothers give before they say something cruel. This is a small smile that fully reaches his eyes. His dreamy blue eyes.

“I’m so happy.” Easy Lily.

“Really? Why’s that?” Did he move closer? Or did I?

“Because I’m here with you.”

Oh my God. In my fifteen years, I’ve had almost no experience with boys.

I mean, I see them at school. And I’ve got brothers.

And a father. But not this kind of experience.

The possibly romantic kind. I mean, there’s the heinous thing that I’m trying not to think about, but that’s not romantic -it’s disgusting, and I refuse to think about that now.

I squish my eyes closed, trying to erase all thoughts of that nightmare. Shut up, shut up, shut up.

“Lily.” I open my eyes again and look at him. Josh almost appears nervous, which must be my imagination because he is so brave. I hold my breath, ready for him to tell me something that will hurt my feelings. I find that if I expect the worst, reality may not hurt as badly when it happens.

“Yes, Josh.” I try for a smile, then remember my gappy teeth and immediately stop.

“I want to tell you something.”

“Okay.” Please don’t break my heart. You are the only person in my life who is kind to me besides my grandmother; it would be pathetic if it were only her.

“I like you.” Oh. Okay. He must mean like a friend or a sister.

“I like you too, Josh.” Like I love you and want to run away together to Mexico. Or Paris.

He tries again. “I mean, I really like you.” His eyes are fixed on me with an intensity that I’ve not seen outside my dreams.

“Okay.” Okay?!?!? You are so smooth, Lily. It is a wonder you don’t have at least ten boyfriends.

“Lily Mendes.” He takes a breath. “Can I kiss you?” My eyes open wide, and I realize he’s blushing; is this happening?