Page 37 of Delayed Intention

The Blizzard (Stay)

Seated across from Lily in the diner, I start eating my omelet without tasting it at all.

I have no idea what to say because I’m torn between attraction and common sense.

Right now, my only recourse seems to be to continue to put eggs in my mouth.

So I just keep shoveling them in. I glance across the table, wondering how I got myself into this situation.

She doesn’t seem intoxicated, not to mention it is only eight in the morning—but her behavior is so out of character.

Could she be having some kind of manic episode?

Pretty soon, I’m going to run out of food and will have to say something.

Two bites are left on my plate, and I’ve no idea what the hell my answer might be.

The truth is, Lily has completely taken me by surprise.

Not to mention how differently she is dressed this morning.

Her hair is up in some kind of braid thing, and she’s wearing this sweater that keeps falling off her shoulder with a very fitted tank top underneath—her ample cleavage on full display.

She is leaving little to my imagination, and it’s winding me up.

The crazy thing is—this was what I originally thought I wanted.

Bed her and be done, no strings with an option of potential revenge should she become attached.

Now everything is complicated by the fact that she is my friend.

I care about what happens to her. And there is no way whatever is between us can be uncomplicated, given our history.

Not only that, but I have concerns about her lack of experience.

She said she hooked up with some guys as a teen, but what does that even mean?

How much could she have really gotten up to?

Because of her history, I’m not even sure if she knows what she’s insinuating.

I mean, what is she even asking me to do for her?

And how do I figure it out without insulting her?

I look down at my plate, and my heart sinks.

I find I have no food left to procrastinate on.

“Hey listen, Lily.”

“Yes, Josh.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“How do you mean?”

I grasp the back of my neck, trying to ground myself. Is she wearing lip gloss? Stop looking at her lips.

“I don’t even know how to start this conversation without possibly insulting or embarrassing you.”

“Josh, with everything we’ve already shared, now is not the time to be shy. Just be straightforward—I’d expect nothing less from you.” She says the words, but some uncertainty flashes in her eyes, I’m sure of it. She’s out of her depth and I need to be careful with her.

“ Okay. Do you even understand what you’re asking me?”

At this, she seems momentarily unnerved and blushes.

“Wow. If you’re asking if I’ve been with other men…

yes, I have. Well, sort of. We had this conversation, remember?

” Her bravado falters as her underlying timidity does not disappear, before her expression turns fierce.

She drops her voice low as she leans toward me across the table.

It takes the willpower of a thousand elephants to keep my eyes up to her face.

“Yes, Josh. I have had sex before and admittedly, it has been a while. Point is, I know exactly what I want. I am asking that you consider becoming physically intimate with me Josh, okay? That is what I’m asking.

I choose you, with open eyes, because I know you won’t hurt me, not intentionally.

You are my friend and for some reason, that I do not understand, it seems it could physically work between us.

Yes, to answer your question, I have done this before, so I do know what I’m asking you. I’m asking you to try being with me.”

She waits for a beat. “Clear enough?”

My mouth is so dry that I struggle to find my saliva, let alone swallow.

“Crystal… listen, this has taken me by surprise. I need to think.” I look outside.

“The snow’s coming down and I know you can’t head back to Nebraska now.

Let’s go to the store, get what we need for the next few days, and talk about this more when we get back to my place, okay?

Lily, I… I just think we need to discuss this some more. ”

“Okay,” is all she says, grabbing the bill before I can react, taking it to the register.

After settling the tab, we drive to the grocery store to stock up for the next couple of days.

Once we’re in the store, I’m so distracted, I can’t think of what we need or what I have at home, so I mindlessly push the cart while she chooses things.

Unable to wrap my mind around the shift in our dynamic, I’m still stuck on what physical experience she’s had, other than that…

doctor. She says we’re on the same page, but we don’t have anything like matching life experiences.

I am still fully confused about how this would work in a way that doesn’t ruin our friendship.

While I’m in the cereal aisle, looking at boxes without seeing anything, Felicia calls.

“Hi, Josh!”

“Hello, Felicia. Did you come to a decision?”

“We’ve decided we want to avoid being haunted, if at all possible and we’re going with the John Muir Ranch.”

“That sounds wise. I’ll try to give them a call, but we are under the threat of a blizzard here, so the office may be closed for a few days. They may forward the office calls to someone’s home, but I won’t know until I try their number.”

“Wow, a blizzard. Is Lily, okay? She’s not on the road, is she?”

“No. We’re actually at the store, getting supplies.”

The phone went silent, and I checked to see if the call had been dropped.

“Lily is staying with you?” Felicia doesn’t bother to take the shock out of her voice.

I started to feel uneasy and tried to play it cool.

“Of course she is. I have four bedrooms and a generator. She was at a motel, but we decided it made more sense for her to just stay where there is running water and food at hand.”

I’m a grown man, talking about a grown woman. Why am I explaining so much? Why do I sound guilty?

“Well. I have to say I am surprised. I was given the impression that she is not into the opposite sex… in that way.”

I almost laugh, given the events of the morning but bite my tongue as I’m certain I’d sound as unhinged as I feel. How does her sister-in-law not know her sexuality? Maybe she’s kidding? I try for a chuckle that is entirely fake and a bit strangled as my mouth has suddenly dried up.

“I mean, you know Lily.” Does she, though?

“We aren’t into each other—it’s not like that—at all.

I mean, of course, to say that I’m not into Lily that way.

We’re just friends.” Somehow, I doubt this will stop the rumors amongst her family members, but I have to try, and so I double down.

“She’s a great person, just not my type.

” Not wanting anyone to get the wrong idea, I clarify, “I’m not a settling down kind of person is the thing. ”

“I see. I wasn’t implying you would try to take advantage or anything.” She laughs, but it seems forced.

I’m not sure why but this whole phone call feels like entrapment and I’m done with it.

I’ve no real understanding of her current family dynamic and it feels like I’m blindfolded and walking through a minefield here.

Except the mines will blow up in Lily’s life, not mine.

Feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the direction of this conversation, I need it to end. Now .

“Listen, we’ve got to check out of this store, so maybe just let her parents know that she’s safe?”

“Sure thing Josh. And thanks again for visiting all those places. I’m sure this whole thing has been a huge hassle and I hope you know how much we appreciate your help.”

“No problem at all. Got to run.”

I hang up without waiting for her to say goodbye—or worse—start asking me more questions. I stare at my phone and realize part of what’s bugging me is that Felicia was giving me all the credit for the wedding planning when it has been a partnership with Lily throughout.

After checking out, Lily and I load up the bags and make the short drive over to my place, stopping at the motel to grab her bag and let the front desk know she’ll be leaving her car there.

Backing my truck into the driveway, we start to unload the car. Lily pauses to look at my house.

“This place is amazing Josh! I didn’t get a good look at it the last time I was here. You know, since I was hammered.”

I look at my home with fresh eyes. The stained glass around the front door is backlit by an interior light. The combination of wood siding and stone makes it look like the mountain refuge it is.

“Thanks. It’s a great house. Early 20th century and renovated by the previous owners. I’ve been happy here.”

After we unpack everything, I sit at the kitchen table, and Lily comes over and joins me in the opposite chair.

“Lily. You’re my friend and I want to keep it that way.”

“Josh.” Lily groans and looks at her hands, then back up at me. “I’m not talking about not being friends. I’m talking about something that friends can do sometimes. Besides, do you know how hard it was for me to put myself out there like that? Ask you what I asked you?”

“I can imagine.” I sigh. “Look, I don’t want to hurt you. What you’re asking for, something casual… I don’t know that we can do that. There’s too much history between us.” Throwing her words back in her face. Classy and a coward.

Catching her downcast expression, I reach out for her hand and, after a moment, she relents, giving me her right hand, which I hold in mine.

“Lily Anna, I heard you, what you said. I just want to reiterate that I don’t think I can do this with you in a way that won’t end up being a dumpster fire.”

“So, it’s not me, it’s you?” She’s glaring at me, and I don’t blame her.

“Lily.” I look at our joined hands. It’s surprising how comfortable we both are with the contact. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”