Page 26 of Delayed Intention

Josh’s Boundaries

Lily,

Hello.

Thanks for writing again.

First, I would expect you to know me well enough to know that while I may appear confident, I am constantly second-guessing myself.

You know, I’ve always been driven to be perfect.

The perfect son for my mom, and the incredible brother/Uncle for Miche and her girls.

The best doctor. The guy with the perfectly behaved dog.

And you may remember I have always obsessed with having perfect hair.

Thankfully, it has not shown any signs of falling out.

The perfect best friend.

The truth is, I may have more confidence going into something than you do, but sometimes after I have done a thing, I will dissect it and worry it was not the best. Not enough.

Actually, to me, this is the most difficult part of being a physician.

Sometimes, we don’t get it right. Sometimes, there isn’t a perfect solution, only the least terrible path.

Those are the things that keep me awake at night—the way forward I can see in hindsight that would have been better—I always think I should’ve known better from the beginning.

Example—I dated this girl once, Rachel. This was a few years ago.

I told her from the start that I didn’t want to be in a committed relationship.

I knew after about a week that she was not on the same page, but I took the easy way out and told myself that if she was not on the same page, it would be her problem.

It was a complete mess. I let it go on for too long, and after a few months, when we broke up, she went after the practice.

She wrote tons of incendiary reviews online, blasting our social media sites.

We had to hire a PR firm to clean everything up.

I was so embarrassed about how that made me look to my colleagues and the staff, not to mention our patients.

There is nothing I like less than mixing my personal life with my professional one, and it was all very public.

Michelle and my mom tried to convince me that Rachel’s instability was not my responsibility. But I still, after almost 3 years, replay how I should’ve handled that whole situation differently.

My point is that we all have our insecurities, and our worries. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I think you’re pretty great, just like you are. I like how you just put your truth out there—even when it’s messy, and even when it’s hard for you.

You may have many fears, but you have courage, Lily. I think you are impressive.

Anyway, guess you’re headed to your grandmother’s next week, and I’ll see you around Hanukkah time.

Until then,

Josh