Page 44 of Delayed Intention

No Thank You

Josh’s text message has me worried. While filling up at a gas station, I read it over for the sixth time.

Josh

Lily, I can’t talk for a while. Also I’m drunk and my phone is on do not disturb. I told you I don’t do relationships. Just so we’re clear, this benefits thing is over. Have a good night.

After everything we’ve laid out between us, he should know that the benefits can be set aside, but not our friendship.

He is stuck with me. I could no sooner abandon him in a time of trouble than I could change the color of the sky.

I can’t lie to myself, not the way I used to.

His message stings, but it feels like he meant for it to.

He wants to set me at arm’s length, and there has to be a reason why.

As insecure as I can be, I’m aware it may have little to do with me.

Not only in the sense that he has intimacy issues, obviously , but my internal radar is alarming.

Something feels wrong, and I need to take action because, setting everything else aside, he’s too important to me to do nothing when I can tell he may be in pain.

His text makes no sense when I look back at the Purim party. Maybe it’s just my wishful thinking, but I thought we had a wonderful night. At worst, it was at least a good night. He seemed happy enough when we said goodbye.

Without much of a plan beyond the aim of staging whatever intervention or assistance he may need, I hop in my car.

I need to call Nona and tell her I’m going to be away for a night, but it occurs to me I also want to ask for help.

I have no game plan since I have nothing to go on other than his cryptic text and a hunch.

Thank God, Nona has a nurse scheduled to be with her tonight, so she’ll be fine in theory, but I want to confirm before I up and leave town.

She answers on the second ring.

“Hello, Lily.”

“Hi, Nona.”

“Hi there, sweetie. Will you be home soon?”

“Something came up with Josh. I’m not sure what’s wrong, but I feel like I need to go up there. Are you going to have a nurse with you tonight? I wanted to double check.?”

“Yes, dear, the nurse is already here.”

“Okay.” I let out a surge of air I hadn’t realized I was holding. “That’s a huge relief.”

“You’re driving there now?” She sounds a bit worried about the idea; I can tell by her tone.

“Yes. I wouldn’t if it weren’t important. I checked the weather, and it is going to be clear. I know the drive well enough, and I’m hoping to get down there mostly in the light of day. Please, try not to worry.”

“I’m not worried about your choice, dear—you have a good head on your shoulders.

” I can hear her belief in me and almost see the smile on her face in my mind’s eye.

The kind of support my own mother was never able to show me.

“My concern, dear, is how you will drive through the mountains. Will Josh come to get you?”

I have the same thought, and I work hard to keep it out of my voice. The drive to get me up there is paramount—I simply must try.

“Well, I’m hoping since it’ll be nearly dark, I’ll be able to power through.

” I paused, wondering how much to say. “If I need to, I can get a taxi from outside of town. Besides, I’m pretty sure Josh is drunk, so he wouldn’t be able to rescue me this time.

I don’t think I can explain it—I have this sense that I need to try and show up for him.

He texted, and he didn’t sound like himself.

Now, he has his phone notifications turned off, and I can’t reach him. I need to make sure he’s okay.”

“Well, dear, follow your instincts—but be careful, okay?”

“Of course, Nona. You haven’t heard about anything that could have happened to upset him?”

“No, I’m sorry, I haven’t. And I just talked to his mother a little while ago.”

“I have an idea. Do you have Michelle’s phone number? Josh’s sister?”

“Oh, sure, I do. Do you want me to text it to you?”

“That would be great, Nona; thank you.”

“Love you, Lily. Drive safe.”

“I love you too, Nona. I’ll text you when I get there.”

I pull into the gas station to grab a coffee and snacks when my phone vibrates.

Nona has texted Michelle’s number. I take a few deep breaths.

There’s something I find unsettling when I call people I don’t know well.

At one point in my life, I couldn’t do it at all.

Not being able to read social cues well in others is one thing, but over the phone—my anxiety can spike without that face-to-face interaction.

As much as I am afraid, I want to try. In my gut, I know something is off, and maybe Michelle has something to go on. I gather my courage and call her.

I’m lost in my head and have nearly forgotten who I was calling before someone answers.

“Hello?” The voice sounds beleaguered, and I can hear high-pitched children’s voices in the background.

“Um. Hi. Is this Michelle?”

“This is she, speaking. How can I help?” Oof, she sounds so impatient. I fight the urge to hang up on her and block the number. I can feel my hands starting to itch, and I close my eyes tight, willing myself to spit it out.

“Hi, Michelle. It’s Lily. Lily Mendes?” Just like that, I’m that awkward teenager again since that’s who I was the last time I spoke with her.

You’re a full-grown woman—use words. “Listen, I’m calling because I received a rather strange text from your brother, and I’m worried about him.

I was wondering if you knew anything about what was going on? ”

“What kind of strange text?”

“Well, it was something about getting drunk and turning off notifications.” I clear my throat, leaving out the doomed friends-with-benefits part. That’s not something I want to discuss with Michelle. “The thing is, I just have a bad feeling.”

She asks me to hang on, and I hear her asking her girls to give her a minute.

“You still there?”

“Yeah.”

“Lily, your feeling isn’t wrong. This is going to sound insane, and it’s total bullshit, but…

he received an emergency suspension notice today.

The state medical boards in Colorado, Nebraska, and Wyoming issued formal notifications.

He is facing multiple complaints alleging he was intoxicated while working.

One complaint states he offered a patient an illicit prescription. ”

“What?!?”

“I know, obviously, all lies.” I can hear in her voice that she doesn’t know me well and wants to hear the confirmation that I’m team Josh. Fortunately, I don’t need to manufacture my feelings on that front.

“I can’t believe this is happening to him; he must be devastated.” I think about how much practicing medicine means to him, and I feel the pit of my abdomen bottom out.

“I got him in touch with my roommate from college earlier who’s now a medical malpractice attorney.

Her specialization is defense for medical practices.

His group should be providing legal help, but they suggested that he hire representation for himself, which means they are posturing to drop him if it gets too hot.

” I can hear the bitterness in her voice on his behalf, “That job is everything to him.

He won't admit it, but I know he's gutted by this.”

“Oh my God.” He must feel so betrayed.

“Yeah. What are you thinking you can do?”

“Not sure, but I’m an hour into driving up to Estes.”

Michelle stays quiet for a bit. She probably thinks I’m unhinged. “Lily, thank you for doing that. You have no idea how much I wish I could get up there myself right now.” Okay, that’s not what I thought she’d say.

“Okay, well, you have made me feel loads better about doing something a little impulsive. It’s not usually my vibe. You know?”

I may be imagining it, but I think I hear a smile in her voice. “Oh, I’m aware. And listen, let me know when you get down there—drive safely, okay? And Lily?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you again for going up there to check on him.”

“Yeah, well, that’s what friends are for, right?”

“Exactly.”

We say our goodbyes as I continue my drive. I realize I don’t even have a change of clothes with me, and I’m going to have to stop and get some basics.

The scenery whizzing by me is endless dry wheat-colored fields and steel-gray skies.

I am feeling the weight of my anxiety for Josh as I try to focus on the task of driving down there in one piece.

I selected some podcasts I’d been meaning to catch up on to distract myself.

As I drive on, sipping tepid coffee, the sky continues to darken, giving the appearance that the world around me is shrinking.

I’m trying to listen to the podcasts, but my mind keeps drifting.

I know Josh would never do something like what he’s been accused of. So my question is, who could hate him enough to do this to him? The truth is I can’t know the whole story, and in a way, it isn’t my business, so I try my best not to speculate and focus instead on what I can do to help.

Now that I know what is awaiting me in Estes, I try to come up with some idea of how I may be useful or what I can say.

Would he want me to help him get to the bottom of this?

Probably not. Maybe just someone to listen?

That is likely the best I can offer. The thing is, I haven’t seen Josh challenged by anything serious since we reunited.

I suppose the best thing is letting him know I’m his friend, no matter what.

Beyond that, I can make myself available for any logistical help he might need.