Page 38 of Delayed Intention

“What actual experience have you had with men? Other than what you’ve already shared with me?”

“Is that relevant?”

“I think you know it is, and why.”

She pulls her hand away and stands, huffing in what I can see as frustration.

“Okay, fine.” She puts her hands flat on the counter in front of her.

“After Dr. Kellerman, I went a little… wild. I had sex with random people. Multiple random people. I was in a rough place for a while.” She stops to make eye contact with me.

“The contact aversion thing didn’t bother me because I was disassociated from myself.

Not to mention I was drinking a fair amount of alcohol and using drugs.

After a while, I just stopped. The sex and the partying became too much.

Then I swore off men and dating. Although, it would be very generous to call what I was doing dating.

I was just trying to regain a sense of control. ”

Feeling a tightness in my abdomen, I think, not for the first time, that if Dr. Kellerman was not already dead, I would kill him with my bare hands.

“Josh, with you, it’s different. I don’t want to think about why. I just know that I don’t want to miss out on that part of my life anymore.”

“That’s not the answer I was expecting.”

“And? Where does that leave us?"

“Look, I want to be clear: you’re beautiful and attraction is not the issue. I’m concerned that hooking up is not realistic for us.”

Lily sighs. “We’re talking in circles and it’s making me hungry. Can we eat now?”

“Sure, let’s make some lunch.” I’m not sure we’ve finished this conversation, but I’ll welcome the distraction.

We work quietly together in the kitchen.

I sliced some bread to make us grilled cheese sandwiches.

Heating the pan while Lily slices tomatoes and cheese, I glance over at her.

She has never looked more beautiful to me than she does at this moment, and I can feel how incredibly tempting her offer is. I’m in over my head already.

“Once we eat, maybe we should put on a movie or something,” I venture.

“Sure, I found these in the fridge, hope it’s okay.” She walks over to the kitchen counter with two beers, and she’s already popped hers open.

I grin at her. “One beer limit though—I think maybe I need to be careful around you.” Okay, that was a bit flirty.

“Honestly, Josh, it’s not like I am some kind of seductress that is going to sway you to go against your noble intentions.”

You have no idea what power you have over me.

“No comment.” I reach out and take my beer.

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

Ginger is curled up on her dog bed by the sofa as we sit on the floor on opposite sides of the coffee table. As we eat, we change the subject by exchanging stories of memorable encounters we have had in our careers.

I’m telling the story of an early MI that I could have missed but decided to complete the workup despite the patient’s young age and recent negative stress test.

“I’m looking at this guy, and his symptoms are vague and then gone, his risk factors are equivocal, and the initial workup was negative. But I just had that feeling, you know?”

She nods her head.

“As it turns out his repeat troponin spiked and then a repeat EKG had ST elevations. I had almost sent him home.” I shudder involuntarily at the memory. “It turns out he had triple vessel disease and needed three stents.”

“That’s crazy. I know what you mean about that feeling. Sometimes, especially when I feel overwhelmed during a shift, it's hard to fight against my decision bias, but you have to listen to that intuitive voice, right?”

“Totally. Okay, your turn.”

Lily looks thoughtful. And ravishing, which I must set aside.

“Okay, this story was not a patient of mine but a colleague and it kind of woke me up to needing changes in my own life.”

“Okay, you have my interest.”

“So it was an NP, not someone I know well, but I’ve interacted with her at the hospital over the years.

She had lost consciousness at home, and it turned out she had a big MI, which was a shock to everyone.

She was so young, you know. It was another case like you were talking about—everything looked unremarkable at first. It was the repeat labs and EKG that uncovered it. ”

“Anyway, that was not what stood out to me. It was how her boyfriend and family rallied around her. The support they gave her in the ED and afterward in the ICU.” She looks wistful.

“I just could not imagine anyone in my family showing up for me besides Roselyn, and for the first time, I began to see that maybe it wasn’t my fault but theirs. ”

I take a pull on my beer, waiting for her to continue.

“Anyway, it struck me, that one day I could need that kind of support in my life. It was time to find a crew that would love me that much.” She tipped back her beer. “She did well by the way, that NP. She is living her own happily ever after back in Maryland.”

Lily deserves better, she always has. But I know I’m not the one to give that to her. Somewhere out there is the man who will give her everything I can’t. I ignore the jealousy I have no right to and change the subject. “Maybe we should watch something funny, round the evening out?”

“Sounds good, I’ll pick today, you can pick tomorrow, fair?” Lily smiled as she gathered up our dishes.

“Sure thing. I’ll work on cleaning up while you figure out what we’re watching. Do you know where the TV is by the way?” She shook her head. “Downstairs and you want your coziest socks on down there.”

“That reminds me, do you mind if I do some laundry? I didn’t pack enough for all these extra days.”

“Sure, the laundry is back behind the kitchen, and everything you need should be in there. I’m going to get Ginger to go out and do her business. Meet you downstairs in a bit—and I’ll bring the popcorn.”

“See you there.”

After a while, we go downstairs and start a dark comedy I remembered Lily was obsessed with when she was a tween.

Despite the distance between us on the sofa, I can feel exactly where she is sitting the entire time.

I could just reach out, hold her hand, put my arm around her, and pull her toward me.

The few times we accidentally brushed our hands while eating popcorn, her skin felt electric against mine.

This is only the first day. I have a feeling I don’t have enough willpower to get through this with my nobility, as she called it, intact.

I guess we will see.