Page 7 of All You Need is Alien Love (Tentacular Tales #4)

CHAPTER THREE

Spill the TEA: Trustworthy Earthling Advice

Hello, my extraterrestrial friends! Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedules to check in with me. Today, we’re talking about human movies vs. human reality. Hollywood does like to play fast and loose with human culture!

And now, to our question of the day…

Dear Dr. TEA,

I’ve been watching as many movies from Earth as I can to try and get a better understanding of human behavior, customs, and mannerisms. I’m visiting for the first time soon and want to be able to blend in.

However, there are so many different film genres, and from so many different time periods and countries.

To be honest, I’m not sure what to make of it all.

What should I pay attention to? How do I parse fact from fiction so that I don’t make a fool of myself during my visit?

Sincerely,

Curious and Confused

Dear Curious and Confused,

This is a GREAT question! Movies can give you a lot of insight into some aspects of humanity, particularly when it comes to the types of stories we like to tell.

Apart from certain forms of nonfiction cinema, like documentaries, most movies are fictional narratives and can vary drastically in terms of their realism.

Take romantic comedies, for example. Most of them play out in ways that rarely mirror reality, but they can be fun to watch.

At the same time, there’s also an unfortunate and pervasive heteronormative and cisgender vibe to a lot of mainstream cinema.

Le sigh. Diversity in general can be lacking or badly presented on screen.

I’m sad to say we still have a long way to go in terms of inclusivity and positive representations of intersectional and minority identities.

Usually, Earthlings like to watch movies to temporarily escape their mundane reality and immerse themselves in more fantastical worlds and characters for a few hours.

It’s the same when it comes to books, or heck, even video games!

Don’t take movies too seriously when it comes to studying humans.

After all, we love our escapist fantasies for a reason!

I mean, hello Star Wars and Star Trek franchises.

They played a massive role in making me the extraterrestrial-loving sci-fi nerd I am today.

As you might guess, movies can offer some valuable insights into the kinds of things we love as well as those that we fear.

We love stories about love (see The Way We Were , Sleepless in Seattle , and Red, White, and Royal Blue ) or stories about an underdog triumphing over adversity (see Rocky , Forrest Gump , and The Miracle Worker ).

These are just a few to get you started!

For a more comprehensive list of films, be sure to check out The Handbook for the Recently Earth-Relocated .

Sparkles and sunshine,

Dr. TEA

River

“I’m so glad we’re doing this, hermano.”

I lean into Evan’s side where we’re seated on his couch. We’re getting ready to watch the final episode of our favorite telenovela, and I’m pumped. It’s our first BFF night in ages.

I crunch on a potato chip. “Me too. I’ve been so busy lately.”

Evan gives me a sly look. “Too busy getting dicked down by your tentacled husband, you mean.”

I poke him in the side and he giggles.

“Hell yeah, I’ve been getting probed in all the right ways by Kai’s talented appendages on the regular.

But it hasn’t all been orgasms and rainbows.

” I start counting off on my fingers. “I’ve been dealing with a lot, like getting kidnapped.

Nearly being killed by an assassin. Discovering my parents aren’t really dead.

Getting married to my boo. Preparing for a possible alien invasion.

Oh, and training for the fucking Iyaran Sanctioning Ceremony. ”

It’s a lot, but legit, I’m sort of more anxious about that last one than anything else.

Evan rests his head on my shoulder. “Pobrecito. How are you holding up?”

“Honestly? I don’t know. So much has happened in just a few short months. It’s nearly Christmas now and I only met Kai for the first time in September. There are days I can hardly believe how much has happened in such a short amount of time.”

Evan sighs dreamily. “You had a whirlwind romance that would make most folks green with envy. Your life is practically a telenovela. I mean, from finding out you’re alien royalty and then having people try to kidnap and kill you.

Oh! And throwing a jealous ex from your boo’s past into the mix before ending with your parents returning from the dead y eso!

You have the makings of your own show. All you need is an evil twin to show up or a secret baby, and you’ve collected all the standard tropes like Infinity Stones! ”

That makes me laugh. “Holy shit. You’re totally right. I mean, it’s more of a sci-fi telenovela, but still.”

Side bar: why hasn’t anyone made a sci-fi telenovela yet? I’d watch the hell out of that.

Evan picks up his signature drink, a Lemon Drop Martini that he earlier made for himself, and takes a sip.

“There’s been almost no normalcy in your life since you joined the Alliance.

It’s all been chaos and the unexpected. Hell, you and Kai haven’t even had the chance to go on a honeymoon yet.

Maybe everything will feel more settled when the danger and upheaval passes? ”

“You’re probably right,” I admit.

He arches a dark, perfectly sculpted eyebrow at me. “Si. I’m always right, querido.”

I laugh and then brighten. “Oh! Speaking of honeymoons, Kai told me he wants to plan ours as a surprise for me.”

Evan gives a little squee of delight. “Felicidades! How exciting! I can’t wait to hear what he comes up with. He’s such a romantic when it comes to you.”

It’s my turn to sigh dreamily. “He was so adorable and earnest about it all. Kai wants to make it something really special for me.” I wince. “Although I sort of suspect he’s also trying to apologize for the insanity that is this Sanctioning Ceremony we’ve been preparing for over the last month.”

Evan sets down his cocktail and takes hold of my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “You’ve been working so hard. Everything is going to be just fine.”

I genuinely hope he’s right. The whole thing is making me a nervous wreck. I don’t want to disappoint Kai’s family. This ceremony is so much more significant to them than our Earth marriage. In their eyes, we’re not officially mates until the Sanctioning Ceremony has been completed.

“It’s going to be three days of torture,” I say with a groan.

Evan scoffs softly. “That’s only because you can’t have your usual daily fuckfest with Kai until it’s over.”

I raise an eyebrow and sniff primly. “Like I said, torture.”

I can’t imagine going three days without sexing up my hubby-boo.

I’m a young gay man with needs! However, the Sanctioning Ceremony requires we sleep apart from each other starting the night before everything begins and staying separated until it’s over.

Kai’s grandmother told me it was about making us yearn for one another and blah-de-blah-blah-blah.

I wasn’t really paying attention after I was told I wouldn’t be able to have sex with Kai. For three. Whole. Days!

Evan takes one look at me pouting and snort-laughs. “A little abstinence never hurt anyone.”

That earns him my bitch, please face. “Like you’re one to talk. When was the last time you went without any?”

To my surprise, Evan flushes and gets a shifty look in his brown eyes.

My BFF Spidey senses go on high alert and I straighten up from my slouched position on the couch.

“Oh-hoh! Darling bestie of mine. Sweetums. Snookie bear. What aren’t you telling me?”

Rather than answer, Evan picks up his glass and gulps down his cocktail. “Time for a refill!” he declares before hopping up and scurrying off to the kitchen.

I immediately follow him like a bloodhound on a scent. Something is up with my BFF, and I will find out what it is. There is no escape!

I study him as he makes himself another drink and can’t fight back a grin.

“Hey, Evan,” I ask in my most innocent tone, “When did you last get laid?”

He jolts and nearly drops the cocktail shaker he’s holding.

I clap my hands together. “I knew it!” I crow.

He scowls at me, then sets down the metal shaker and puts his hands on his tiny hips. “What?”

“You’re totally saving yourself for Zion, aren’t you?” I can’t keep the smug note out of my voice.

He rolls his eyes. “Saving myself? Honey, that ship sailed long ago—and often.”

I roll my eyes back so hard I think I bruise them. “You know what I mean. Ever since you met him, I haven’t heard about you hooking up with anyone…” My mind races and my mouth drops open. “Holy fucking shitballs. That means it’s been, like, almost three months !”

Evan whirls around, pours another drink with slightly shaking hands, and takes a deep gulp.

I have to ask. “Are you… okay ?” Ever since he became sexually active, I’ve never known my BFF to go so long without hooking up with someone. Not since we went to college anyway.

“No, I’m not fucking okay!” he snarls. “What was that song? I’m like a powder keg of frustrated sexual desire that’s ready to explode.”

I can’t help it. I double over with laughter.

“Bitch,” he accuses, but without any real heat.

I copy his earlier sympathetic tone. “Pobrecito! This must be so frustrating for you.” I shake my head as I wipe mock tears from my eyes. “Zion has really worked some serious magic on you. I’ve never seen you be so serious about someone.”

Evan leans against the counter, his shoulders slumping. “That big, blue sweetie pie has me tied up in knots, querido. I’ve never felt like this before.” He frowns. “I don’t entirely like it. But I can’t seem to let go.”

“Why haven’t you made a move on him yet?”