Page 21 of All You Need is Alien Love (Tentacular Tales #4)

CHAPTER TEN

Spill the TEA: Trustworthy Earthling Advice

This column is on FIRE!!! Thanks to all my new intergalactic subscribers and my extraterrestrial friends already here on Earth. I can’t wait to help you with your most pressing questions and concerns!

Here’s our query of the day… the time-honored Earth tradition of spying on your neighbors!

Dear Dr. TEA,

I’m currently living in fear that my elderly next-door neighbor is a serial killer and is targeting me as her next victim! I know, it sounds far-fetched but let me explain.

I recently moved into a typical American neighborhood within a reasonable distance of my office job.

Many movies and television “sitcoms” (although I still find that name mysterious) painted a picture of suburban life as wholesome and happy.

I was eager to experience this for myself, especially after fleeing my own war-torn planet to make a better life for myself.

A few days after moving into my home, my ancient-looking next-door neighbor showed up with dead vegetation to “welcome me to the neighborhood.” I was worried but didn’t panic.

I thought perhaps this was simply a show of dominance, as she is most certainly the oldest and thus most powerful person on the street.

I took the gift and lifted my shirt to display my stomach to defer to her higher status, as is only proper.

She told me, “Nice abs, sonny. I’m gonna fatten you up and put some meat on those bones,” and then returned to her lair.

By this time, my concern was starting to mount. It didn’t help that, around the same time, a female coworker introduced me to the Lifetime television network.

Dr. TEA, I’m starting to think that all I believed to be true about suburban life is a lie! Instead, beneath the cheerful facade lies mystery, mayhem, and murder ! And (possibly) cannibals!

Two days later, “Edith” (as she calls herself) came back with some kind of pie that had a dead creature in it that smelled quite offensive to me.

She called it “Shepherd’s Pie.” My species is herbivorous by nature.

Naturally, I had to look up the creature in the pie which I discovered looks suspiciously like a species distantly related to my people when alive.

I placed this death pie in the freezer to keep as evidence of poor Shepherd’s untimely demise.

What other purpose could Edith be “fattening me up” for besides killing and eating me?

! After all, she has said on more than one occasion that I’m “delicious enough to eat.”

While I was still trying to decide what to do after such a terrifying move, she waltzed over again and boldly asked me to return the dish.

This sent me into a panic. I can’t let her know I didn’t eat poor Shepherd, but she’s soon going to realize her efforts to fatten me up have failed!

What should I do? I stalled for time, but now I’m on the brink of deciding to cut and run in the dead of night. Help!

Yours Truly,

Scared Shitless in Suburbia

Dear Scared Shitless,

Wowza, you’ve had a time of it, my friend.

First of all, pump the brakes a bit before you send yourself into more of a panic.

Despite what the Lifetime network likes to tell us, there just aren’t a lot of old-lady serial killers—let alone cannibalistic ones—out there.

I think this is simply a series of intercultural and interspecies misunderstandings. Let’s examine your evidence, shall we?

Cut flowers are a common gift among humans for many occasions.

They are technically “dead” as you noted, but the appeal is in enjoying their beauty inside your home for a short time.

Also, while your neighbor Edith is probably the eldest resident on the block, that doesn’t make her the alpha or dominant in any way—except maybe when it comes to gossip or looking out the window and knowing everyone’s business.

Unless she’s the head of something called the “HOA.” If that’s the case, then proceed with caution.

She may make you want to murder her at some point while you live there.

But I digress.

Making a food offering to a new neighbor is also quite common and considered a friendly gesture.

While it would be considerate to ask if someone is a plant-based eater before giving them food, there are people who gift food first and ask questions later.

I’m sure the animal used was only coincidentally similar to your relatives back home, and it’s important for your mental health going forward to realize that humans are predominately omnivores.

So, meat will be consumed in front of you a lot, not to mention on display at the grocery store.

Also, “shepherd’s pie” is a meal that was eaten by people who had the occupation of a shepherd.

No one named Shepherd was murdered to make the dish.

Here’s my immediate advice. Toss out the frozen meat pie, clean the dish, and return it to your neighbor.

Thank her for the kind gesture, but let her know you’re actually a vegetarian so you shared her dish with your coworkers instead.

When you’re ready, throw a house-warming party and be sure to invite her.

I’m sure she’ll be pleased as punch, as elderly humans can often have smaller social circles and can enjoy more opportunities to interact with others.

Finally, as much as I love movies and television—and let’s be honest, I’m kind of obsessed with them—they can sometimes lead us astray.

The Lifetime channel, especially the movies, can be melodramatic and campy fun, but too much of that will warp your view of life in suburbia.

The reality is far more mundane and predictable most of the time.

There aren’t murderous psychopaths of any age group hiding around every corner, I promise!

Enjoy your new home and take your time getting to know your neighbors.

Yours in snarkiness and Star Trek references,

Dr. TEA

River

Witnessing Kai dissolve into fits of laughter over my poster has me grinning from ear to ear.

My typically stoic hubby-boo actually has a wide range of expressions, most of which he only ever shows me in our private moments together, but I totally live for moments when I can make him laugh like this.

I pride myself on the fact that I’m the one person able to make this happen, and that’s completely right and fair since I’m his amazing life mate.

Once he gets himself in control, the amusement on his face is replaced by something much steamier, and I have to fan myself. The look Kai gives me could incinerate every piece of clothing I’m wearing, which I also suspect we would both enjoy greatly.

Although maybe more so without an audience.

Heh. Do I know how to get my man all riled up for me or what?

My little story snippet that I wrote just for him was full of things he loves. Vardox and Starblade getting kinky and desserts. Kai Genaro is not a complicated man, contrary to some people’s assumptions.

Also, I didn’t lie. I’ll share the rest of the story with him during our honeymoon. Our well-wishers at the ceremony don’t deserve the super X-rated moments I created just for us two.

Grandma Iris takes the mic away from me and eyes my poster with amusement before turning back to the audience.

“Well, that was most definitely an original and unique choice of composition for this trial, but one that seems appropriate for this particular groom.” She arches an eyebrow at me. “And I, for one, am going to make sure I get my hands on the rest of that story.”

I cross my arms and direct a challenging gaze right at her while maintaining my shit-eating grin. “You better have something good to offer up in exchange.”

She scoffs. “Don’t underestimate me, kid.”

Heh. I kind of love her.

Also, I get why Maddox fell for Ellie. He was brought up by a kickass, tough-as-nails woman with a feisty personality.

“It’s now time to hear from my grandson. Let’s see what he has composed for today.” She passes over the mic and returns to her seat in the circle around us.

My boo looks nervous as he pulls out some slightly crumpled paper, and I have to bite back a squee.

He’s so stinking cute.

Kai uses one hand to wipe at his forehead before raising the mic to his mouth.

“I don’t have any hope of being able to top River on this challenge, no pun intended, but I will say I went all out in preparing this piece for today.

” His gorgeous amethyst eyes meet mine. “In fact, I sought help from River’s Uncle Benji and his poetry-inducing magic brownies. ”

Benji gives two thumbs up. “Right on, man.”

My heart leaps in my chest. “You willingly indulged in magic brownies again? For me?”

Kai’s cheeks flush and he nods almost shyly.

My heart goes from leaping to fluttering in my chest, and I experience a tightening sensation that makes me feel full to bursting.

Fuck, do I ever love this man!

“Although I may not have River’s gift for prose,” Kai explains to the crowd, “I’ve learned that Benji’s special recipe inspires unexpected and spontaneous poetic verse from me, and so I offer this magic brownie-fueled poem in tribute to my one and only true love, River Sullivan.”

The moment he starts reading, the tears start flowing like I’m watching Cher’s final world tour before retirement.

Although, let’s be real, that epic queen will only retire when she’s dead.

My boo clears his throat and starts. “’An Ode to My Life Mate,’ by Kai Genaro.” I smile through my tears in encouragement. I can’t wait!

You are better than chocolate

And sweeter than pie

Without you in my life

I think I would die.

You make me smile

And laugh like no other

For you, my hearts go to eleven

Because we complete one another.

My tentacles always want to cuddle you

But you never seem to mind

You’re a precious, one-of-a-kind treasure

I never thought I’d find.

You’re braver than Captain Starblade

And can defeat a Groxil all on your own.

When I saw that happen,

I totally wanted us to bone!

You’re sexier than Lord Vardox—I mean it!

To me, you’re super fucking hot

You always know how to rev my engine

And tie my tentacles up in knots.

You’re definitely more talented

Than anyone else I know

With you, I’ll travel anywhere

You ever want to go.

Our honeymoon, I’ve been planning

Every day from dusk to dawn

So get ready, baby

Because we’re going to Tentacular Tales Con!

I’ll boldly take you,

Where you’ve never gone.

It’ll be even more amazing

than that ’80s movie, Tron.

Even if I’m not sure

that the universe is ready,

with me at your side for the journey

I know our course will be true and steady.

Your intergalactic dreams will finally come true

We’ll make it happen soon

Because I’d do absolutely anything

For the only man who makes me swoon.

I can’t wait spend the rest of our lives together,

Whether it be on Earth or among the stars.

I love you more than anything

And my hearts—and tentacles—are forever and always, yours.

“W-well, fucking played, sir,” I blubber, tears streaming down my cheeks and snot dripping from my nose. It’s not cute or remotely sexy, but the grin on Kai’s face tells me he doesn’t care.

Also, he totally fucking one-upped me in a way I never anticipated.

“You liked it?”

There’s only one way I can answer at this moment. I launch myself out of my seat and throw myself into Kai’s arms.

Then I kiss the hell out of him, devouring his mouth and running my hands through his hair while I writhe with need in his big, strong arms.

When I finally have to come up for air, I’m delighted to see my hubby-boo is dazed with desire and only has eyes for me.

I whisper in his ear. “I think I’m going to have to use that tentacle-shaped dildo tonight just to get some relief.”

Kai’s nostrils flare, and he makes a growling noise that sends shivers through my body.

I grab his face and cradle it between both of my hands. “You’re really taking me to Tentacular Tales Con for our honeymoon?”

A slow, satisfied grin curves his lips. “As you wish.”

I gasp and try not to swoon some more. “You’re finally learning lines from The Princess Bride .”

He snorts softly. “Well, you have forced me to watch it with you at least ten times already.”

I snuggle closer and pet his abdominal pouch covered by his dress shirt. “You know you love it.”

“I love you ,” he murmurs, burying his nose in my curls.

Grandma Iris clears her throat loudly into the mic. “If the couple could… detach from one another, please?”

Once Kai had started reading his epically romantic poem to me, I kind of forgot anyone else was here. All I could see and hear was him.

I make my dissatisfaction with this request known as I reluctantly release Kai and cross my arms with a pout as I stare down Iris.

Like the elderly badass she is, Iris remains unfazed by my show of defiance. I’ve got to give her props for that—my pout is rather impossible to resist. Not that I use it to get my way. Who me? Never.

“Let’s give a round of applause to our grooms, who have successfully completed the first day of the Sanctioning Ceremony. Day Two events are reserved for close friends and family members only, but everyone will be able to return for our third and final day. Thank you and have a wonderful evening.”

Kai and I are dragged off by our families like star-crossed lovers separated by a cruel twist of fate.

Okay, it’s only for the night, but still.

It feels so much more painful than that.

My circumstances as a kid kind of forced me to be independent and self-sufficient from an early age.

Benji was a very loving caretaker, but he wasn’t always the most responsible or detail-oriented kind of guardian.

I learned fast how to handle most of adulting on my own, especially when it came to paperwork and following a weekly schedule.

We made it work, but I learned how to take care of myself and be independent early on.

I didn’t ever need, let alone want, to rely on someone else.

Until I met Kai.

Being apart from him even for a few hours feels like days. Our lives have become so intertwined, in the very best of ways, that it’s painful when we can’t be together. I want to be at his side all the time so I don’t miss a single moment we could share together.

“I love you, Kai Genaro!” I yell across the hangar.

“I know!” he yells back with that damn sexy smirk of his.

I clutch my heart. He just Han Soloed me like a romantic badass. It’s kind of become our thing, but I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of it.

And at that moment, I vow to the Time Lords of the universe— they’re totally out there —that we won’t ever be forced apart again.