Page 11 of All You Need is Alien Love (Tentacular Tales #4)

I blink at them both. Tom Jones is about as relaxed as my uncle Benji, and without the aid of edibles.

He’s the most chilled-out alien I’ve ever met, and it sort of blows my mind that he used to be some kind of military leader along with CJ, who is basically a pint-sized cutie pie I never would have imagined being a general.

Nowadays, the two of them make their livings as Tom Jones and Elvis impersonators, respectively.

I can’t quite reconcile that present with this past they’ve shared. These two have far more mysterious and unexpected backstories than I ever imagined. When all of this is over, I need to learn more about their lives before they came to Earth!

Then I frown as my brain comes fully back online after that surprising revelation. “What do you mean, long-range satellite?”

Tom chuckles. “It’s that big satellite on my roof, hiding in plain sight.”

I gasp and point an accusing finger at him. “I freaking knew it!” I immediately turn to my uncle, who’s sitting on a stool at the bar a few feet away. “ Benji! I was right all along. It is a special satellite to communicate with his alien brethren in outer space.”

Benji nods sagely. “You called it a long time ago, Tigger. Right on.”

A small part of me feels both vindicated and validated in knowing that my suspicions about that huge satellite on his roof not being for cable TV was spot on.

Take that, fools who called me a conspiracy-theory nut.

I’m a motherfucking pro when it comes to uncovering extraterrestrials on Earth on the down low!

I mentally pat myself on the back.

Kai clears his throat. “If we can get back to the topic at hand? We need to formulate our strategy for dealing with these invaders.”

Thank goodness for my hubby-boo helping keep this critical conversation on track.

“Kai’s right.” I give Tom and CJ a pointed look. “Although I will totally be talking to you both about all that later, but for now, please do reach out to your friends if you think they can assist us. We need all the help we can get, and the sooner the better.”

Tom and CJ both give me thumbs-up.

“We’re on it,” Tom assures me.

“We’ve got your back, River,” CJ adds.

I sniffle, suddenly all up in my feels. I have the best extraterrestrial friends and found family in the whole universe!

A familiar head of bright red hair bobs through the crowd, and one of my favorite little old alien ladies, Darla, shuffles forward, armed and ready.

With a cigarette dangling from her rouged lips, she holds her bright pink lightsaber dong aloft. “This bad boy is ready to lay the smackdown on these evil mofos whenever you need it.”

Darla’s Lightsaber Dong of Doom, as I like to call it, and I go way back. It actually saved my life when Shilgar the Deadly was trying to shank me in a casino. I stabbed him right in the eye with it.

Heh. That moment was pretty epic.

The door to the bar slams open and I jump in surprise. My mom and dad come striding in with determined looks on their faces.

Uh-oh. That can’t be good.

Mom cocks her head meaningfully toward the back room. It looks like a private conversation needs to happen ASAP.

I focus on the crowd again. “On behalf of the Alliance, let me thank you all for your offers of support. Please stick around so some of our staff can take down your information and any details about what you might be able to assist us with. Thank you!”

Roxy, Lu-Ren, and Zamir stay behind to handle that while the rest of us head with Nirblob to his office in the back of the bar. It’s the first time I’ve seen how he’s decked the space out like it’s a retro Star Trek lounge.

I gape. “Holy geek heaven, Batman! This is so freaking cool.”

Nirblob rolls around the room on his roller skates, cloak billowing around him, before he gracefully takes a swivel seat and motions us to join him.

Although I’m partly distracted by the awesome room—complete with red shag carpet and moon chairs—my gut’s still churning with worry. Whatever my parents found out from their off-planet reconnaissance can’t be good.

“What did you discover?” Maddox asks my parents, getting straight to business as we take our seats.

Mom’s expression is grim. “Layne Madison is farther along in his plan than we thought. From what we’ve uncovered, it looks like they’ll be in orbit around Earth within ten days.”

I pale and Kai, sensing my distress, takes hold of my suddenly cold hand.

“What do we know about his forces?” Ellie asks.

“Not much. It doesn’t appear to be a full-scale invasion force. One of the ships is clearly a Vroknu vessel though,” Dad says.

Maddox rubs a hand over his face. “We recently learned about the Vroknu ship as well. They’re formidable warriors and will no doubt pose one of the greatest dangers. Our one advantage is that they prefer hand-to-hand combat with bladed weapons rather than phasers or other projectiles.”

Mom nods. “We’ll have to prepare for how to deal with their forces. They’ll be looking to kill first and ask questions later.”

Well, shit just got super fucking real.

I clear my throat. “We’re not following the same MO, right?”

Ellie cracks her knuckles. “Alliance protocol is to try and capture the enemy alive and turn them over to our backup coming from Intergalactic Alliance HQ. But in a life-and-death battle, casualties are likely to happen.”

“We got the short end of the stick in this scenario. I mean, trying to capture them alive when they’re trying to actively kill us isn’t going to be easy,” Mal gripes. “What we need is some kind of brilliant master plan.” He turns to me expectantly.

Then I find everyone else following his movement.

I gulp. “Ha… ha… uh… sure. Coming up with a way to outsmart alien invaders should be a piece of cake.”

Nirblob strokes his chin in contemplation. “I believe you Earthlings have an expression that goes, the best defense is a good offense . It seems most appropriate now.”

Ellie grins at him. “I’m really starting to like you.”

I consider him thoughtfully for a moment. “Any suggestions on how we can better defend ourselves?”

“Some new weapons that will increase our chances of fewer casualties might be a good start. I could help you design them.”

I gasp. “That’s fucking brilliant.” My mind starts racing with ideas.

“But if they’ll be here within ten days, we have almost no time to prepare,” Kai says, his brow furrowed with concern.

Also, our Sanctioning Ceremony is butting up awfully close to this motherfucking alien invasion.

Looks like Kai and I won’t be getting that honeymoon anytime soon.

Nirblob waves a tiny, gloved hand dismissively. If he had an eye patch, he’d be rocking the Dr. Strangelove vibes hardcore.

“Designing weapons is easy. Why, I designed my own spacecraft. Now that took some real time and effort.”

“I think we could totally do something to redesign those projectile nets the Alliance has for capturing baddies,” I offer. “Like, what if they could also tase whoever they wrap around? That way we knock them out while they’re trapped and can cart them off to a holding cell.”

Mal blinks at me. “That’s… actually a pretty good idea.”

I flash him my sunniest smile. “I’m totally brilliant. I thought you already knew that, my dear bro-in-law.”

Kai chokes on a laugh.

My mind flashes back to some of our recent escapades and then I have the kernel of a magnificent idea forming.

I turn to Ellie, because I know if anyone can make it happen it will be her. “Any chance we could get our hands on some Groxil slime?”

Ellie stares at me and then a slow, knowing grin spreads across her face. “I think that can be arranged. Let me see what I can do.”

“Work your magic, Mama-in-Law. The more we can get, the better.”

She arches an eyebrow. “You gonna tell us what you’re cooking up in that brain of yours?”

I grin. “You’ll just have to wait and see, but I think I can use it to give us an edge over these invaders.”

Kai looks at me like I hung the freaking moon and stars. “I can’t wait to see what you come up with. I’m sure it will be amazing.”

“New weapons are a good idea. We need to surprise these fools who’ve underestimated us.” She makes a growling noise that tells me she’s ready to rumble. “I’ve been itching for a real fight with this tool, Layne Madison, and his goons.”

Nirblob rubs his hands together in anticipation. “River and I will get started on some prototypes right away!”

“We’re totally going to show these asshats that they picked the wrong Alliance outpost to mess with,” I declare.

My mom’s smile is blindingly bright as she leans over to give me a high five. “Fuck yeah. We’re gonna kick some serious bad-guy alien ass!”

I couldn’t have put it better.

As is typically my way, another sudden and amazing idea comes to me like a tractor beam out of the blue.

“Hang on just a second, my friends. I think I just came up with an offensive strategy.”

Everyone focuses on me.

Kai looks so fucking proud. “Wow us with your cleverness, darling.”

I grin and push my glasses up the bridge of my nose. “We’re gonna be like James T. Kirk when confronted with the Kobayashi Maru.”

I get nothing but blank stares from everyone except my mom. Who is the person I inherited all my sci-fi geekery and knowledge from.

“Ooh! We’re going to hack the attack and turn it in our favor. Tell us more, my son,” she grins.

“You bet your ass we are. But this plan is not without danger,” I admit.

Mom nods. “As Captain Kirk would say, Risk is our business .”

We grin at each other, and I revel in the moment of mother-son bonding—we haven’t had enough of that and need to make up for lost time.

“Did you say hack?” Nirblob asks, perking up. “I may not have mentioned it before, but I am quite skilled at such things.”

“You are a man of many talents, Nirblob, and I’m all about using them.”

He preens.

Meanwhile, I start vibrating with excitement as I realize a critical connection I’ve made here. “Ahem. What, my friends, do the Kobayashi Maru, James T. Kirk, and Independence Day have in common?”

Nirblob strokes his chin. “I have not seen Independence Day yet. But I have a sneaking suspicion I need to, based on the way you are looking at me right now.”

I chortle with glee. “Mwahahahaha! Listen closely friends, because we can take a lot of inspiration from Jeff Goldblum’s character in that film. He comes up with a genius method of thwarting the invading aliens just when all hope seems lost.”

My mom nods at me in complete understanding. I knew she’d get where I’m going with all this!

Nirblob does a little pirouette of excitement on his skates. “We shall put our combined and most impressive brain power to the task. As a duo, you and I could take over the universe if we wanted.” He follows that up with his favorite Lord Vardox-inspired evil laugh.

Fuck, am I glad he’s on our side!

Ellie lets out a frustrated noise. “For those of us not in the know, what the hell are you two talking about?”

I waggle a finger at her. “Tut, tut, Mama-in-Law. Both fictional scenarios I mentioned involve supersmart heroes who find a way to change the situation to deliberately turn it in their favor. First and foremost, it starts with a quintessential Star Trek conundrum. In the darkest moment, when all seems hopeless, you win by using an unexpected approach to the problem that others don’t see coming.

In honor of Captain Kirk, Starfleet Academy’s brilliant training exercise, the Kobayashi Maru, and Independence Day , let me fill you in on what I’m calling, Operation CHAOS—Confuse, Harass, Aggravate, Overwhelm, and Sabotage… ”