Page 42 of All You Need is Alien Love (Tentacular Tales #4)

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Spill the TEA: Trustworthy Earthling Advice

Here on Earth, we are nearing the winter holiday season! There are many unique holidays celebrated around this time of year, but perhaps the most pervasive in the Western world is Christmas. It’s quite fitting, then, that my query today relates to this most festive of seasons!

And now for today’s topic… office gift-giving.

Dear Dr. TEA,

I recently started working in an office and just learned that my entire department is participating in something called “Secret Santa.” Unfortunately, I was out sick on the day the details of this event were explained to the team.

Everyone seems to think this activity is well-known.

When I tentatively asked for more information, a colleague just laughed and said, “Don’t worry, we just do the basics like most offices. ”

Now, I feel like I can’t ask anyone for more details without seeming ignorant and totally weird!

I have tried to educate myself on the Christmas holiday and this mythical figure known as Santa Claus—not to be confused with Santa Claws, that movie gave me nightmares!

—But I am hesitant about what to do as Secret Santa for John the IT guy.

Should I try going down his chimney to place my gift in his home one night?

I’m not entirely sure his house even has a chimney since they do not appear to be common in Las Vegas.

My body is very flexible and I can squeeze myself into tight spaces, but I fear if he sees me, it might reveal my true identity even if I am wearing the Santa suit.

Please help, Dr. TEA!

Sincerely,

Scared to be a Secret Santa

Dear Scared to be a Secret Santa,

Take a deep breath, my friend! I’m sorry this situation is giving you a lot of stress, but it’s much simpler than you might think.

First of all, DO NOT go down your colleague’s chimney even if he has one! Also do not try to find out if he does and do not bring his gift to his house. That could get very dicey superfast. We don’t want to frighten poor John and have him call the cops, or worse yet, HR, on you!

In the corporate world, “Secret Santa” is a tradition where you select a co-worker’s name from a drawing and agree to purchase a gift for them.

Then, and here’s the important part, you give it to them AT WORK.

I recommend asking your manager when the exchange will take place and if there are any specific rules, such as types of gifts allowed as well as monetary limits.

Just remind them you were absent on the day this was covered, and your manager should be happy to share the details.

This won’t make you seem strange or unusual.

You can even mention you know some companies like to do things their own way, and since you’re new, you just want to show your team spirit by fully getting into the office mood of things.

Usually, there is a price limit to the gift.

I would recommend observing John—covertly, if possible—to see what kinds of things he likes.

Maybe engage with him in a casual conversation about his hobbies and interests, if it doesn’t seem too forced to do so.

This can help you select a gift he’ll probably appreciate.

Worst-case scenario, you can get him a gift card.

Who doesn’t like getting free cash to spend somewhere?

Good luck and have fun. I hope you enjoy your very first Secret Santa exchange. Be sure to let me know how it goes!

Ho ho ho,

Dr. TEA

River

“Mwahahahaha! I have successfully deactivated their cloaking mechanisms.” Nirblob does a little victory dance at my side as he cackles. I am impressed; his villain laugh has really evolved.

Up ahead, two of the invaders’ landing vessels are now visibly parked just beyond the west wall of the base.

“Let’s split up. Mal and I will handle anyone left on the Vroknu vessel.

It’s the larger ship, so we’ll take the rest of the support team with us.

” Ellie studies the other vessel. “My tracking device for Kai’s implant shows me he’s in the smaller ship.

Based on its size, I can’t imagine there are more than six crew members on board.

My guess is it’s probably just Kai, Layne Madison, Adeline, maybe one or two support staff.

But stay vigilant.” She turns to me and Nirblob. “Can you two rescue Kai on your own?”

My heart leaps in my chest. “You’d trust me to do that?”

She smiles warmly. “River, I’d trust you with my life. And my son’s.”

Traitorous tears start to form in my eyes. “Aw, man. I can’t handle all the feels right now.” I wipe at my eyes. “Gotta save that for later.”

She grips my shoulder and squeezes gently. “Bring Kai back safely. I believe in you, River. You are my son-in-law, after all.”

The conviction of my determination rises inside me. “I promise.”

We’ve almost completed Operation CHAOS and turned an impossible situation in our favor. All that’s left is to capture the mastermind and his accomplice—and rescue my brave boo.

The comm device in my ear crackles to life for the first time in what feels like hours. “River. Are you there?” My mom’s voice comes through loud and clear.

“I’m here. How are things on your end?”

I can practically hear her grinning through the phone.

“Whatever that Zelitine friend of yours did, it was pure genius. The orbiting ships have been utterly disabled. Their linked computer and communication systems are completely compromised and nonfunctional. When the cavalry arrived, boarding and taking everyone into custody amidst the confusion was a piece of cake.”

I heave a huge sigh of relief. “Thank the galactic gods.”

“Seriously, River. The number of folks who came running when they heard you were in trouble… I’m amazed.

You’ve made so many friends across the universe without ever having stepped foot off Earth.

And they’ve stepped up to help us in a big way.

We couldn’t have done this without you and the support of your friends.

” Her voice lowers with emotion. “I’m so fucking proud of you. ”

Warmth floods my chest. I’m so glad she and my dad are back in my life.

Even though I still hold a lot of sadness and a sense of loss for all the years we didn’t share together, I’ve gotten past the worst of the hurt and resentment.

After all, life’s too short to hold on to toxic bitterness.

Poor Fabian’s a good example of just how much those kinds of emotions can warp you.

I’m an optimistic and loving kind of guy, so now I just want us all to be able to spend many more decades being part of each other’s lives and making the most of each and every day.

“What about you?” Mom asks, and I hear a note of worry in her voice.

I smile. “My plan’s gone off with barely a hitch so far. They completely underestimated us.”

“They underestimated you .”

“Well, that too. Downtown HQ has been cleared and the threat contained. We’ve also taken all of the insurgents in the Valley of Fire base into custody, and now we’re going to rescue Kai. All that’s left is taking down Adeline and Layne Madison.”

“Knock ’em dead, kid. And I mean that in the most literal sense. If you’ve got to kill that dickbag and his accomplice, do it.”

My mom is just as fierce as Ellie. Her words make me shudder in recollection at just how deadly she can be.

I’ll never quite be able to get the image of her decapitating Shilgar the Deadly out of my head, but she felled the douchebag assassin who was making my life a living hell, so it’s not necessarily a horrible memory.

Knowing that he’s no longer out there trying to kill me is a big part of what lets me sleep soundly at night.

In contrast, I’m not quite as violent or as… murdery.

Besides, killing Adeline or Layne Madison is a last resort. We must try to take them alive so we can interrogate them for critical information. Adeline’s medical research while she was the Alliance mole remains a mystery that we have to unravel.

And as the Lex Luthor-esque mastermind behind all of this invasion insanity, Layne Madison is someone we have to extract as much intel from as possible to get a clearer sense of what led to all of this and more about his far-reaching network of accomplices.

We sure as shit don’t want any other fools thinking they can come and take over my home planet!

“Okay, Mom, signing off now. I’ll let you know once victory is mine.”

“May the Force be with you,” she replies solemnly, and it’s exactly what I need to hear.

“May the Force be with you too,” I say before turning off the comm.

Right now, I have to focus on the task ahead.

I turn to Nirblob and see he’s swapped out his usual roller skates for a pair of thigh-high black boots and a new freaking cape.

“How on Earth did you fit all of that in there?” I blink at the small backpack he’s wearing.

He grins at me. “Trade secret, mi amigo. The patent is pending on this invention, so I can’t disclose anything just yet.”

That makes me chuckle. In retrospect, I should have realized that Nirblob was a genius inventor.

Even when I recall the time he briefly held me captive on his ship, I remember being surrounded by all kinds of unusual and interesting technology.

Back then, I assumed it was stuff common to his species.

Now, I suspect a lot of it was stuff Nirblob had created himself, like his early prototype for a Lord Vardox tentacle belt.

I should have recognized just how talented my new friend is sooner. Right now, I’m thanking my lucky stars that he’s put his creative talents to work for us.

I have a feeling Nirblob might finally be able to convince Kai to be his friend after all this is over. That would make me so freaking happy.

New friendship mission unlocked!

“Let’s go nab these dickbags. I’ve got an epic honeymoon to prepare for.”