Page 17 of All You Need is Alien Love (Tentacular Tales #4)

CHAPTER EIGHT

Spill the TEA: Trustworthy Earthling Advice

Now on to serious business. Today, I’m giving advice on something I’m a bit of an expert on (just ask my hubby)—cooking and food!

Here’s our letter of the day. It’s a long one, but context is important, so buckle up! …

Dear Dr. TEA,

A human friend of mine recently asked me to accompany them to their family home in the American Midwest for a funeral.

I wanted to support them in their time of need, but I’ve never traveled outside of Las Vegas before.

The dialect of this region is most fascinating, and there were some unusual expressions I’m still trying to make sense of linguistically.

Like “Oof-dah,” which seems to be a sound as much as a word.

But that’s for another query.

What I’m most confused about is this strange food that appears to be universally called “hot dish.” Many guests who joined the funeral reception brought what they called “hot dish.” But every one was slightly different, so I’m not sure why they all share the same name.

Some had meat while others had vegetables—some, a mix of both.

Many contained copious amounts of dairy, especially cheese, and sometimes mayonnaise.

Quite a few had crispy bits on top like crackers or those potato items called “tater tots.”

Taste testing each “hot dish” was like embarking on a culinary adventure fraught with unforeseen danger—as I discovered with what my friend’s Aunt Mabel later explained to me was her “Tuna Noodle Hot Dish.” I don’t recommend that one, for anyone wondering.

Most of the “hot dish” offerings appeared to have been baked and were thus heated.

Perhaps that is how they earned the name?

However, none of them were “hot” in the sense of being spicy.

My home world’s cuisine is closer to Indian or Thai cuisine, which makes use of strong chili peppers of various kinds.

In contrast, I would say the so-called “hot dishes” were remarkably bland—although I refrained from verbally expressing this assessment.

Can you explain the elusive mystery of the “hot dish”?

And are they specifically served when someone passes away?

Sincerely,

Mystified by the Midwest

Dear Mystified by the Midwest,

I’m going to be honest—I had to talk to some folks and do a bit of internet sleuthing on this one because I, too, have not traveled to the Midwest, nor have I sampled their regional cuisine.

Vegas boy, born and raised! From what I gather, it does seem as though “hot dish” is a general umbrella term for any type of baked casserole in certain parts of the Upper Midwest. A casserole is essentially a baked dish that combines a variety of ingredients, often, as you discovered, including meat, vegetables, and dairy.

And no, it is not specific to funerals. “Hot dish” is something people bring to many types of gatherings as a communal food for sharing, such as holidays, weddings, funerals, and the like.

Your observations were spot on, as the region is not known for spicy food of any kind, although the many dairy farms in that region do perhaps speak to the overwhelming amount of dairy ingredients in said casseroles, especially cheese.

I would definitely not make one that is to your level of spicy “hot” for any gathering, unless you want to see the Midwesterners sweating and crying.

It’s my understanding that in the land where Ranch dressing flows like water and deep-fried foods reign supreme, salt and pepper are considered the main spices in dishes, so be cautious, Mystified, before adding anything stronger than a pinch of black pepper to your offerings!

Humans have many diverse culinary traditions and cultural specialties that are often particular to different regions, countries, and communities.

While you aren’t likely to enjoy every kind of cuisine you try, experimenting and opening yourself up to new experiences is a good thing.

Hot sauce is also a good thing! Always try to keep a small bottle in your backpack but remember to be surreptitious in its use.

You never want to offend your kind hosts!

Also, kudos to you for being there in your friend’s time of need. I’m sure they appreciated your company and support. Nicely done!

Forever fabulous and mildly inappropriate,

Dr. TEA

River

“Are you excited, hermano?”

Evan is downright giddy to be helping me behind the scenes for Day One of the Sanctioning Ceremony.

He’s dressed up like he’s vying to be the MC of the entire event in his slinky gray suit, which he’s paired with a tangerine-colored silk shirt that looks amazing against his bronze skin tone.

Evan’s hair is coifed to perfection, nary a strand out of place.

He’s also gone full out today because he’s applied gold glitter eyeshadow and shiny copper lip gloss.

I stare at him wide-eyed. “Excited? Dude, my balls are sweating I’m so nervous.”

He wrinkles his nose. “TMI, hermano.”

I’ve been preparing for this three-day event for the last few weeks, but I’m still worried as fuck.

After all, it’s not like I’ve ever been involved in anything quite like this before.

Don’t get me wrong, the Iyarans are super fucking cool, and their culture is truly fascinating. I even have high hopes that I’ll maybe get to visit Kai’s home world someday, but there’s a lot riding on this Sanctioning Ceremony.

More importantly, I love my boo so much that I don’t want to Fuck. It. Up. May the grace and blessings of Mama Ru be with me!

I want him to be proud of me as his life mate and partner extraordinaire.

Evan wraps me in a full-body hug and squeezes me tight, grounding me in all the ways I didn’t realize I needed.

Talk about BFF mojo!

His voice softens. “You’ve got this, hermano. You two are the real deal. El amor at its very best. You make even a jaded queen like me believe that I might find mi corazón someday too.”

I squeeze him back in a fierce BFF hug. “You will. I know it.” I pull back and waggle my eyebrows at him meaningfully. “In fact, it just might be a big, hunky blue alien who’s got stars in his eyes whenever he sees you.”

Evan pats the air around his hair, not wanting to ruin his immaculate coiffure, but his cheeks tinge pink. “Ay, dios mío! Don’t get me all riled up now.”

I grin. “He’s here, you know, and looks very dashing in his traditional Vroknu ceremonial attire.”

Evan licks his glossy lips, his eyes shimmering with interest, then he gives me a playful smack and shakes his head. “Don’t distract me. Are you ready to go out there and face the crowd?”

We move to the doorway and wait for our cue, which turns out to be our very own resident alien, Tom Jones.

The familiar opening notes of “It’s Not Unusual” by his musical-icon namesake start to play before Tom bursts into the first verse.

Evan and I march side by side into the hangar of the Alliance’s Valley of Fire base, which has been converted into the main space needed for the three-day Sanctioning Ceremony.

The hangar is packed with Alliance staff, many local alien residents who didn’t want to miss out on the event of the century, and, of course, our closest friends and family.

Tom Jones is set up on a small portable stage, shaking his hips and singing with gusto.

Who’d have thunk he retired from an intergalactic military career of some kind— I need to find out more about that for sure —to become a Tom Jones impersonator?

He really sounds amazing though, very close to the real deal.

So I suppose I can understand his passion.

From the opposite side of the hangar, Kai emerges with his brother at his side.

Evan and Mal are basically the equivalent of best men for me and Kai. But in the ceremony, the term is Tentacle Twin.

Kai’s wearing a shiny satin purple robe that would make Prince—RIP—jealous. It brings out his mesmerizing eyes— swoon . I wear a similar one although, given my inferior height, it’s dragging on the floor just a smidge and doesn’t come off anywhere near as sexy.

Damn these tall, superhot aliens!

However, I will admit that the flash of bare leg Kai’s giving me is far too distracting when we have an audience. Do I eye him up and down with lascivious intent anyway?

You bet your sweet ass I do.

He sends me a mock frown when he notices, but his lips twitch and I can tell he’s trying not to laugh.

That, more than anything, puts me at ease.

I love you, boo! We’ve got this!

We meet up in front of an enormous makeshift aboveground pool that has been placed in the center of the hangar. It’s entirely glass-sided to provide the audience a perfect 360-degree view.

Grandma Iris steps forward, wearing a caped outfit all in white that seems more than a bit reminiscent of Moira Rose’s ensemble for David’s wedding on Schitt’s Creek .

Although I’m kinda disappointed she isn’t wearing the Pope-style headdress too.

“Welcome to the first day of the Iyaran Sanctioning Ceremony between Kai Genaro and River Sullivan. We are gathered here today to witness the test of commitment and the unbreakable bond of love between this couple who intend to commit their lives to one another. Today’s trials are centered around the languages of love.

” With a majestic sweep of her arm, she gestures to the pool.

“Although we live most of our lives on land now, our ancestors were fully aquatic, and an Iyaran’s tentacles always feel most at home in the water.

Showing off one’s tentacles in the water is a sacred part of the mating ritual that we still uphold today.

Therefore, we will begin with my grandson Kai’s performance. ”

Everyone claps, and we take our seats around the glass-sided pool like the eager spectators we are.

Hmm. Actually, the Sanctioning Ceremony might be a bit like a spectator sport now that I think about it…

My thoughts scatter when Kai removes his robe, showcasing his hot bod in nothing but a sexy pair of purple Speedos.