Page 29 of All You Need is Alien Love (Tentacular Tales #4)
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Spill the TEA: Trustworthy Earthling Advice
Yes, the rumors are true—my hubby-boo has made an honest half-alien-slash-half-human of me!
We completed the Iyaran Sanctioning Ceremony, and hot damn, it was one that will go down in history, that’s for sure!
Thanks for all the lovely well wishes many of you have already sent me, but please refrain from sending any more sex toys (we have our own, thank you very much) and please don’t ask for nude pictures or videos—we don’t share those with others, sorry not sorry.
Now, onto our query of the day… Earthling ideas (and laws) related to marriage and other types of romantic relationships. Buckle up because a lot of this may seem pretty problematic to many of you.
Dear Dr. TEA,
Long time reader, first time querier. I’m a new arrival here on Earth and discovering much to love about Earthlings and their home world.
However, I am quite perplexed by the strange restrictions around marriage on this world.
While formalizing unions via ceremonies or other rituals is also common among many species across the universe, I have never encountered such odd limits to the number of spouses one may have as I’ve found here.
In my research on Earthling customs, I have since found that it’s even illegal to do so, except for a time in the state of Utah.
Oh, and on a rather perplexing TV show about “Sister Wives.” On my home world, it is common practice to marry as many spouses as one wishes in an equally ranked polyamorous collective.
I, myself, have six spouses waiting to visit me on Earth, and I’m not quite sure what to do when they get here.
Why are polyamorous unions not afforded the same legal rights and privileges as a formal union between two individuals? If the level of commitment and love is the same, shouldn’t such relationships also be recognized by law?
Such limited thinking about life mates is quite befuddling. Can you explain?
Sincerely,
Mystified about Human Matrimony
Dear Mystified,
Much love for your support of my humble little column, and thanks for taking the time to reach out. I can completely understand where you might be confused. Humans can be quite contradictory creatures!
Culturally and systemically, we valorize and legitimize marriage as a union between two individuals.
Many of our institutions are set up to reward and recognize such relationships.
Indeed, it would require some major overhaul of laws around joint assets, child support, alimony, and so much more—especially in the event a polycule decided to divorce, or only part of the polycule wanted to divorce while the other members remained married.
That’s not to say we shouldn’t do it, but we’d need much more progressive and knowledgeable governing systems and legal support to make such changes.
Our laws, which are quite old, were created at a time when monogamy was the prevailing marital structure for a whole host of reasons, several of which are a bit cringey, if I’m honest.
Alas, as my Gender and Sexuality Studies professor in college taught me, marriage as an institution carries a lot of problematic patriarchal baggage here on Earth.
It’s been used as a political tool to unite nations, as a way to expand land holdings for men, as a method of controlling women and their sexuality, and so much more.
Even territories that allowed polygamy in the past (or that still might tacitly support it) have a structure with a man at the core who is allowed multiple “wives,” not “spouses” more broadly.
Hence, my cringey comment earlier. At the same time, marriage is also often tied to different religions that dictate the purpose behind such a union, often in highly gendered terms as well.
Talk about some heavy stuff we need to reckon with!
I won’t even get into the challenges and legalities, past and present, related to interracial and LGBTQ+ marriages. Sigh.
It’s only been in more recent years that polyamory has become better understood in certain human cultures, although it’s still considered to be the preference of a minority of people, and lots of misunderstandings and misconceptions about polycules abound.
Hopefully, with time, humanity will become more accepting of committed unions that involve more than two people.
But for now, that is the law of the land almost everywhere on Earth.
Marriage between two individuals is the perfect fit for some, but not all.
Matrimony is not a one-size-fits-all model, but many humans still like to think it is.
So, you and your spouses can still be in a loving polyamorous collective when they arrive; however, you won’t be able to share that you’re legally married to all of them while you’re here.
Beaming rays of hope your way,
Dr. TEA
River
Two glorious days.
That’s exactly how long I get to enjoy my second wedding with Kai before all hell breaks loose.
On the one hand, it’s kind of a relief. The waiting was making me bananas. On the other hand, I’m really fucking pissed off because I wanted to be able to enjoy my fully wedded bliss with Kai at least a bit longer without having to deal with any bullshit.
We’re all at our downtown headquarters when we get the go message on our phones and spring into action. Operation CHAOS is ready to rock and roll, and everyone knows their parts. And even though it makes me hella nervous, it requires us to split up for this to work.
“Team Beta, follow me,” Maddox says, his voice clear and commanding.
Zamir, Lu-Ren, and Roxy are following Maddox to the Valley of Fire base where they’ll be meeting up with Evan, Zion, and Zion’s friends.
Those awesome Vroknu men, who prefer peace over violence, have agreed to don their battle gear to protect their friends and their new home.
That goes to show how much they value their new lives here on Earth.
Meanwhile, Kai, Mal, Nirblob, and I are joining our new friend Agent Catengi on Ellie’s team, which is staying at our downtown headquarters for now.
Along with Grandma Iris, my parents, Tom Jones, and CJ are setting up the residential Rec Center as the headquarters of our stealth orbital operations. With the help of the intergalactic cavalry they’ve called in, they’ll be handling the larger ships orbiting around Earth.
We all share hasty goodbyes before Maddox and his team use the teleporters to get to their destination.
When they’re gone, I turn to Kai, who pulls me in for a hug. “It’s time to split up now.”
We have to do this to take up various positions around HQ, but it’s also because my sweet boo is going to act as bait.
I bite my bottom lip. “I don’t like this part of the plan.” Even if it is my plan.
He gives me a soft smile. “It’ll be okay. We’ve got this, remember?”
I nod and he starts to pull away.
“Oh, fuck it,” I mutter, then yank his head down to lay the mother of all kisses on him.
When I pull away, he’s looking delightfully dazed.
“Don’t get killed,” I demand.
He touches his lips, his grin turning goofy.
Fuck yeah. That’s my man.
“Okay, you two love birds,” Ellie says in her no-nonsense voice. “It’s time to get into position.”
She marches off with Mal to lie in wait, while Kai disappears alongside Agent Catengi to surveil the med lab. If Adeline shows up to collect her research, like I’m anticipating she will, then she’ll head straight there. I’d bet my entire Star Trek figurine collection on it.
Nirblob and I head into the central command center that is the technological nervous system of the Alliance outpost on Earth—and no doubt precisely where Layne Madison and his goons want to gain access.
Too bad for them.
When I was first told about this room, I’d kind of been expecting something reminiscent of a huge government command center that you see in old ’80s movies, like one of my faves, War Games .
Despite its importance and the critical technology it houses, the Alliance’s command center is actually fairly modest in size.
It’s maybe the equivalent of a few conference rooms pushed together, and one entire wall hosts a bank of video screens showing surveillance from all over the building.
From here, we can keep an eye on what’s happening at all times.
I rub damp palms down the front of my jeans and swallow hard. Operation CHAOS had better work. Sci-fi movies haven’t let me down yet, so I’m putting my trust in them again.
Channel a cocky Captain Kirk like the boss you are, River!
Nirblob takes his position in front of one of the terminal mainframes and starts typing away furiously while staring at the lines of code that appear on his screen. As usual, he’s dressed in his homemade Lord Vardox cloak and wearing his signature roller skates.
I still haven’t quite figured out why he likes them. Some of it might be due to his smaller stature. They do make him taller, after all. But I suspect he likes the fact that when he skates in them, his cloak billows around behind him, and I’ll admit, it looks pretty fucking cool.
“Aha! Link established,” he says, turning around in his chair to grin at me with obvious satisfaction.
The grin isn’t quite as creepy to me as it was when we first met.
Nirblob looks uncannily similar to the evil Martians in Tim Burton’s camp classic, Mars Attacks!
He has no lips over his teeth, which makes his version of a grin all the more menacing at first glance.
And to be fair, he did claim to be an evil villain like Lord Vardox.
Oh, and he did sort of kidnap me that one time.
But we’ve gotten past all that.
In a short time, he’s become a key figure in the alien community here in Vegas, especially now that he runs Vardox’s Cantina—the exclusive extraterrestrial watering hole of Sin City.