Page 43 of All You Need is Alien Love (Tentacular Tales #4)
We make our way to the smaller landing vessel and when we’re within range, Nirblob whips out his holotablet and, in moments, a door in the ship opens and a ramp descends.
He pockets the tablet and swaps it for his Slime-O-Matic Paralyticator, then stands in a supercool James Bond pose. If James Bond wore a cape and thigh-high boots. “I’ll cover the rear.”
I nod, leading the way inside with my own weapon at the ready. We move fast and stealthily as we board the vessel. Exiting the small cargo hold, we turn down a narrow hallway and I hear voices up ahead. Inching closer, I eventually raise my hand to pause our movement.
I peer around a corner and spot Adeline in her uncanny Serleena alter form.
Seriously, I swear she has to have seen Men in Black 2 !
It’s hard to believe she used to wear the face of a gentle older woman who wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Osairans have taught me that the adage, appearances can be deceiving , goes to whole new levels with them.
Right now, our two baddies appear to be arguing, but Layne Madison is holding a phaser in one hand and I need to be careful.
I can’t make out what they’re saying and the angle isn’t good for me to try to take a covert shot from where I stand, especially since poor Kai is strapped down in a medical chair and unable to duck and cover.
However, my control vanishes in an instant when Adeline pulls out a hypodermic needle and injects Kai with a substance.
Oh, hell fucking no. I come charging around the corner, full of fury.
And promptly trip over my own feet, falling to the ground.
Thankfully, this appears to be my alien superpowers at work; I end up avoiding a blast from Layne Madison’s phaser. And from the smoking hole in the wall of the ship above me, I seriously doubt it was set to stun.
Asshole.
“River!” Kai cries, struggling against his restraints.
“I’m okay, babe,” I say, chagrined.
So much for my epic heroic rescue. It played out so much better in my mind.
“Drop your weapon,” Adeline says calmly, holding the syringe like a knife in front of Kai’s face. Layne Madison keeps his phaser aimed at me, a cruel smirk on his douchey face.
Well, son of a phaser fucking bitch.
I really should have waited for a more opportune moment to appear like a kickass superhero saving the day. In my head, I was going to look so valiant and cool. But in reality, I messed up.
Did I rush into the situation a little too quickly? Yes. But in my defense, that bitch injected my boo with something that better not be fucking toxic! Otherwise, that whole no-murder approach of ours might go out the spaceship window.
To my relief, only I barged out here like an angry bear. A quick glance tells me that a much more cautious Nirblob has not followed me.
My fellow amigo, I’m counting on you!
Adeline narrows her eyes. “Last chance. Put down your weapon unless you want me to ruin his pretty face.” The needle is disturbingly close to one of Kai’s gorgeous amethyst eyes, and although his face remains stoic, he flinches involuntarily.
I scowl at my new archnemesis and set down my weapon, kicking it behind me—and hopefully within range of Nirblob when he makes his move. “You’re even more evil than I thought.”
She sneers. “This is the problem with all of you pathetic Alliance bleeding-heart fools. None of you have the backbone to do what needs to be done.”
To my relief, she moves the needle away from Kai’s face. Unfortunately, now that I’m unarmed, Layne Madison uses this opportunity to tie my hands tightly behind me.
“What did you inject Kai with?” I demand.
Adeline smiles, and it’s just downright creepy. “A little concoction I created to stimulate his hormones and induce Tentaculum Calefaction.”
I gape at her in confusion. “Why the hell would you want to do that?” I look her up and down. “It’s not like you’re gonna make any babies with him. You’re not his type.” I frown. “Besides, I thought you jerkfaces were all about that ‘species purity’ bullshit.”
She sneers at me once again. “Once Kai goes into Tentaculum Calefaction, we’re going to implant Fabian’s genetic material to create a pure Iyaran offspring. A medical marvel that will take the universe by storm. I, and my work, will be famous!”
I blanch at her words and feel my gorge rise at the very idea. “Over my dead body, you will.”
Note to self: Tell Ellie all about this later and let her interrogate the hell outta this psycho megabitch.
“That can be arranged,” Adeline growls.
Layne Madison yanks me close, a soulless smile on his face. “Come now, Adeline. Look at the bigger picture. We have two valuable hostages now. The Alliance will give us what we want in order to protect their people.”
“Keep dreaming, Darth Layne-der .”
Heh. How did I not come up with that perfect nickname until now?
His grip on me tightens painfully.
“A pity that Shilgar failed so abysmally when it came to killing you. I can’t fathom why.”
“That fool underestimated me, just like you have. And now he doesn’t have a motherfreaking head.” I stare him down. “The only way you’re getting off this planet is with a one-way ticket to an intergalactic penitentiary.”
Icy rage fills his eyes. “You’ve been a thorn in my side from the start. I find it hard to believe that such an insignificant little gnat could undermine the operation I have been building for years.”
I grin at him. “I’m just special that way.”
His grip on me turns painful and I involuntarily cry out.
“I’m going to enjoy killing space garbage like you myself. But don’t worry, I’ll be sure to return you to the Alliance as a cold corpse once I’ve gotten what I want.” He turns to the computer and uses the voice-activated system. “Computer. Contact Alliance HQ on Earth.”
The AI voice from earlier comes over the speakers again. “Warning: communication system corrupted. Cause: unknown file. Reboot attempt number 375 failed. Last known transmission: You’ve been sabotaged. ”
That’s when Kai somehow manages to get an arm free and sucker punches Adeline in the side of the head, knocking her to the floor. She lies there, staring at the ceiling, dazed and unmoving.
“Now!” I yell, knowing my amigo is waiting for my signal.
Nirblob charges toward us, cape number two billowing around him in all its red satin-lined glory— hail to Lord Vardox . He sails into the room like a badass, his Slime-O-Matic Paralyticator pointed right at Layne Madison—who, like a douche, has pulled me in front of him as a shield.
Fabian pulled this same cowardly move on me and I am so over it.
“Creep,” I mutter under my breath.
Darth Layne-der, as he shall now forever be known, holds his phaser to my head. “Stop right where you are.”
Nirblob turns his gaze on me, asking me silently with those big round orbs— what now ?
I close my eyes, a deep state of calm washing over me because, as always, the movies have never steered me wrong. In fact, they’ve taught me how to handle this exact situation.
“Remember our Keanu Reeves fest?” I ask.
Nirblob nods his huge head.
“What the fuck are you on about?” Darth Layne-der says, pressing the weapon tighter to my temple. “Shut up or I will shoot you.”
I’m willing to take my chances, especially since he needs me as a hostage.
Nirblob awaits my words of wisdom, like a young Jedi with his master.
“Hint: he’s Dennis Hopper. I’m Jeff Daniels. And you’re Keanu.”
I didn’t think it was possible, but Nirblob’s eyes seem to get even bigger.
“I’m Keanu,” he whispers in wonder.
“Yep. And WWKD: What Would Keanu Do?”
“Shut the fuck up and you, drop your weapon,” Darth Layne-der snarls at Nirblob. He digs the end of the phaser into my temple.
My amigo feigns like he’s going to drop his weapon, catches it in his other hand, and grins evilly as he fires.
Straight at my head.
“Shoot the hostage!” he crows.
The Groxil slime pellet explodes along the side of my cheek, spraying me and my assailant with a healthy dose of the paralyzing gunk.
Thankfully, Nirblob’s no fool. He quickly turns and shoots Adeline as she struggles to her feet, freezing her in a half crouch on the floor.
I squirm and wriggle my way out of Darth Layne-der’s frozen embrace. Eww. Once I’m free, I whirl on him. “Take that, mothafucka! You got slimed, courtesy of the Two Amigos! Alien superpowers for the win.”
Nirblob chortles. “Indeed. We make a most impressive team.”
I high-five him and race to my boo, helping him undo the last of the straps holding him down.
“Sorry, I’m late,” I say as I undo the final buckle.
He catapults himself at me, and the moment he’s in my arms, I start shaking like a leaf.
“Thank the galactic gods, you’re okay.” I run my hands all over him. “You are okay, right?”
“I’m fine,” he says, his voice gruff with emotion. “I knew you’d come.”
My brow furrows with worry. “But what about that stuff Adeline injected you with?”
His mouth twists. “I don’t know. We’ll have to get our med techs to check on it.
So far I feel fine. My head hurts from when I banged it pretty bad earlier but otherwise I’m good.
I haven’t noticed any telltale signs of Tentaculum Calefaction yet, but Adeline never said how long it might take.
I told her it probably wouldn’t work since the hormonal trigger can only be activated by one’s mate. ”
“Well, in my sci-fi experience, science can too often find a way. We need to get you checked out to be on the safe side.”
“Agreed.” He flashes me a faint smile. “I’d love to kiss you right about now, but we need to be careful of the slime.”
While I’m immune to its effects, Kai is not.
I pull away and use my shirt to wipe the sticky Groxil slime from my cheek and my hair, flinging gobs of it to the floor.
“Yuck. This stuff never gets better. Even the synthetic variety is disgusting. It sure came in super handy though.”
Kai studies me, concern evident in his gaze. “You’re sure you’re not hurt?”