Page 1 of All You Need is Alien Love (Tentacular Tales #4)

CHAPTER ONE

Spill the TEA: Trustworthy Earthling Advice

Welcome to the inaugural issue of Spill the TEA: Trustworthy Earthling Advice —the Alliance’s new advice column for all of the recently or soon-to-be Earth-relocated, and those just simply coming for a visit!

Today, we’re covering an important communication topic: confusing euphemisms and double entendre. You know, where someone says one thing, but what they really mean is S-E-X.

And now, to our very first exciting query!

Dear Dr. TEA,

I’m new to Earth and finding it hard to acclimate to some of the customs here.

A human coworker invited me to “Netflix and chill.” I thought this meant watching something entertaining on the Earthling Netflix channel together in a relaxing and “chill” environment.

Side note: “chill” is a very intriguing word with so many different meanings I was unaware of.

Case in point—imagine my surprise when I quite shockingly learned that the Netflix and chill expression is a euphemism for sexual congress!

Needless to say, I was baffled when my colleague put the moves on me.

I politely declined and hightailed it out of there like I had a Temerengi squadron on my tail.

I’m not ready to try romance, let alone sex with Earthlings just yet.

I mean, where does everything go, and how? !!

Now I’m nervous about facing my coworker again because it’s going to be very awkward. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Nopeing out of Netflix and Chill

Dear Nopeing out of Netflix and Chill,

Let me start off by saying I’m super proud of you for handling a situation like this so well!

I can imagine how surprising that would be, and I certainly hope your coworker was cool when you said no.

Consent is always essential when it comes to sex, but I’m sensing this was more of a cultural misunderstanding gone awry.

No doubt your colleague thought you understood what they meant.

If they weren’t aggressive or coercive about things, then my suggestion would be to have an honest conversation and tell them you didn’t understand what the term meant.

You have several options here to make this believable.

You could claim that you’re from a foreign country.

The downside to this is that they may want more details about that, which could prove tricky.

Or, you could claim to have been raised in a sheltered environment of some kind.

Now, this is where you need to decide whether you want to maintain a friendship with this person or have them stay away from you.

If the former, you can say you only recently moved to Las Vegas after living your whole life in a very small rural community with spotty internet access.

If the latter, tell them you grew up in a cult but you can’t share details without the Dark Order coming after you. That should send them packing!

Okay… now I’m second-guessing myself. There are some major weirdos out there for real who might really be into the whole “raised in a cult” thing.

Hell, they might be starting their own cult!

You don’t want to mess with any of that.

Less is more and often best, so whatever way you go—keep it simple and easy to remember in case you have to tell it to multiple people!

Rainbows and good vibes,

Dr. TEA

River

“Come on, baby. Open wide for me,” I purr.

Kai flushes and tries to scowl but fails. “Not here.”

My sweet hubby-boo may try to resist, but I have him right where I want him. After all, I’m privy to all his deepest, darkest secrets.

“Of course you can. I know you want a mouthful of all this cream I have ready for you. You’re going to swallow it all down and beg me for more.”

Kai’s eyes turn molten amethyst and he licks his lips, unable to resist the temptation I’m offering him. I can see him starting to cave.

I leer. “That’s right. You can take it alllll for me, can’t you?”

Lips glistening and cheeks flushing, Kai slowly opens his mouth for me.

Heh. Score one for Sexy River.

I lovingly shove the entire chocolate-covered, cream-filled mini éclair I’m holding into my man’s mouth.

Kai bites down and lets out a filthy moan, his eyes fluttering shut with pleasure.

Do I know my boo, or do I know my boo?

“This birthday bash is turning out to be much kinkier than I expected,” Iris Genaro, Kai’s grandma, cackles around a large mouthful of chocolate lava cake. “I like it!”

My hubby-boo and his father inherited their sweet-tooth tendencies from this wild and wily woman, that’s for sure.

We’re celebrating Kai’s thirty-sixth birthday at a brand-new, all-you-can-eat dessert buffet, appropriately called Sinfully Sweet, that just opened downtown on The Strip.

Nothin’ spells lovin’ like feeding my man all the sugary and chocolatey goodness he could ever imagine.

I swear, the moment we entered this establishment and I took his blindfold off— cuz I’m all about the grand reveal —he started skipping from one buffet table to the next like Homer Simpson in the “Land of Chocolate” episode.

Only much sexier, of course.

Who’s a better partner than me? Nobody, that’s for fuckin’ sure!

Naturally, I’ve been helping him out by piling desserts onto little plates, lining them up in front of us, and then feeding him by hand.

Because I can.

And because he fucking loves it, no matter what feeble protests he might offer to the contrary.

I know how much of an aphrodisiac dessert can be for Kai.

But we’re behaving for now—we are in public, after all.

We’ll satisfy our other needs when we go home, and I have plans for my man once we get there.

Ah, that’s what true love is all about—being comfortable enough to be weirdly kinky with your partner in ways you never would have imagined.

The supreme diva Cher would probably agree with me.

I select a chocolate-covered strawberry and hold it up to Kai’s eager lips. The simmering lust in those stunning eyes of his assures me that all my orgasmic wishes will be fulfilled when we get home.

Bow-chicka-wow-wow.

When I glance down the table, I’m not surprised to catch Ellie feeding Maddox big forkfuls of a slice of turtle cheesecake covered in gooey caramel, chocolate, and nuts. He looks just as blissed out as his son.

Ellie and I know how to keep our men satisfied.

I give her a covert thumbs-up and she returns it with a wink.

“I have a feeling I know who’s going to keep this new buffet in business,” Roxy says from where she’s seated across from us and basically planted right in Lu-Ren’s lap.

My former backup-bodyguard-turned-new- Team-ANAL-member wraps a possessive tan arm around Roxy. “The only dessert I’m interested in is you, sexy lady, when we head back to my place.”

Roxy practically dissolves into a puddle of glittery-eyed goo in Lu-Ren’s arms.

They haven’t been together long, but I have a good feeling about them.

I’ve never seen Roxy this happy, and I think Lu-Ren’s pretty perfect for her.

The multi-gendered alien— the universe is so freaking cool —treats Roxy like the queen she is and appreciates her for the fabulous, capable, and super talented woman she is.

Seeing them together and all lovey-dovey fills me with all the warm fuzzies.

On my other side, Mal makes a pained noise and runs his hand over his face. “Your place? Don’t you mean my place? Gah! You two better not be getting your bodily fluids all over my precious, and might I add, expensive furniture.”

Roxy gives him a wicked grin. “Too late.”

I snort and send her an air high five.

Lu-Ren’s been staying at Mal’s house ever since they arrived to help keep me safe from my former—and now very dead—would-be assassin, Shilgar the Deadly.

Things were tense and I came a little too close to death that time for comfort. I owe my life to my badass mom, who basically came back from the grave, so to speak, and lopped off old Shilgar’s head.

Anyway, while Lu-Ren’s crashing at Mal’s house, Kai’s brother’s been living with my Uncle Benji and helping him out.

It gives me peace of mind because Benji kind of needs a keeper, and I already hung up my hat in that role after I flew the coop and created my own love nest with Kai. It also doesn’t hurt that Mal looks at Benji the way Kai drool-stares at a box of donuts.

Benji, who’s sitting on Mal’s other side, reaches out and pats Mal on the hand, making Kai’s brother do a good imitation of Roxy’s earlier goo-puddle transformation.

“It’s gonna be okay, man. Bodily fluids are natural, after all.

Besides, you can always have somebody steam-clean your furniture if you need to. ”

Mal whimpers. “But my designer furniture…”

Benji side-hugs him and the look on Mal’s face turns blissful.

It’s kind of adorable, but I do feel for the guy.

After all, Benji is still mostly ignoring Mal’s interest in him or pretending to.

However, I know for a fact Benji isn’t totally oblivious anymore.

I’d say he’s shifted toward willful denial, but I don’t think that’s working as well as he thought it would.

I’ve noticed subtle signs that Benji’s letting his walls down and getting closer to Mal on an emotional level.

There’s definitely hope for the clear spark between them to blossom into something beautiful.

That is, if Mal can just be patient and go at Benji’s pace.

A few seats down, Iris cackles with laughter as she starts chowing down on a piece of chocolate cream pie, the lava cake now long gone.

I’m still having a hard time thinking of her as Kai’s grandma though.

I mean, I know she’s elderly in terms of human years, but she looks barely older than Ellie since Iyarans live so much longer.

She has some gray streaks in her dark hair, but her face shows hardly any lines.

Needless to say, Iyarans age really fucking well.