Page 10 of All You Need is Alien Love (Tentacular Tales #4)

CHAPTER FIVE

Spill the TEA: Trustworthy Earthling Advice

And now, to our issue of the day… sportsball!

Dear Dr. TEA,

I am most confused about human sports, particularly the cultural fascination with what the American Earthlings call “football,” something that is strangely played using your hands more than your feet.

Also a mystery is the fact that “football” is the name for different sports in other countries but at least in those cases, it’s played with the feet.

Don’t even get me started on how bizarre it is that humans enjoy kicking and throwing a ball wrapped in animal skin!

What did the pigs every do to them to be treated with such disrespect?

However, what confounds me far more is that this violent sport is known to cause serious brain damage and other bodily trauma.

Human physical vessels are already so much more fragile than those of other species.

Why do you insist on venerating an activity that can permanently maim and even kill people?

Do humans simply ignore logic and reasoning for mass spectacle entertainment?

Sincerely,

Totally Perplexed

Dear Totally Perplexed,

I totally understand your confusion! Admittedly, I’m not much of a sportsball fan in general. Instead, I much prefer another type of balls, if you catch my drift. But I digress.

Humans are a notoriously competitive lot, and testing the durability of our bodies for public spectacle has been a common practice since the rise of the first Olympics and even before that.

Spectatorship has long been a major part of human entertainment, as well, particularly displays of physical prowess that have long held cross-cultural fascination for humanity.

That goes all the way back to the Greeks and Romans during classical antiquity even!

I can’t exactly explain why, but as a species, humans are rather fascinated with our physical form and what it can accomplish.

That said, I personally have very little interest in athletics myself, so I’m not an expert on this topic at all.

I did some Little League baseball as a child, was a decent pitcher if I do say so myself, but I only ever played for fun. Intense competition was never my bag.

You’re right though. A lot of recent medical research has shown how dangerous football is, and how many players suffer long-term physical and even mental damage from playing the sport.

But people are reluctant to give it up. Sometimes, people like things that aren’t healthy for them.

And unfortunately, we sometimes care more about the competition and entertainment side of things without considering the negative effects on real people’s lives.

It’s a facet of humanity that isn’t always easy to understand because it isn’t logical.

I’m sure Mr. Spock would have a lot to say on the subject if we could ask him!

P.S. One thing I can assure you of is that all sports balls are now made out of synthetic materials. “Pig skin” is a nickname for a football not it’s material of origin, so no pigs were harmed in the making and/or viewing thereof.

With sugar and sass,

Dr. TEA

River

Vardox’s Cantina is jam-packed with local extraterrestrial refugees and longtime residents, all eager to defend their new home here on Earth.

I can’t help but get a little bit choked up just surveying the crowd, knowing that each and every individual here is willing to help in some capacity, to protect Earth and prevent Layne Madison’s invasion plan from succeeding.

The sight fills me with renewed hope and a surge of enthusiastic energy. If we can mobilize our people along with their various connections and resources, then we’ve got a real chance of thwarting whatever our very own wannabe supervillain has concocted.

The bar, which once belonged to Kai’s ex-friend-slash-FWB, Fuckface Fabio as I call him, has been renovated and turned into the quintessential neighborhood watering hole for extraterrestrials.

My pal Nirblob, the new owner, has made things much cozier than they used to be.

There are more places to either sit and chat with friends in comfortable chairs or to canoodle with a lover in a dimly lit booth.

The place just has a good vibe now, and it’s become hugely popular with the alien locals as a result.

I turn to Kai, who gives me an encouraging smile that firms my resolve.

Taking a deep breath, I step up to the podium we’ve brought in, and the microphone crackles briefly when I get near it. At the sound, everyone begins to quiet down and all eyes and ears turn my direction, which is a little freaky since some folks here have more than two of each!

“Good evening, friends, and thank you for being here tonight. I wish I came bearing better news, but I’m gonna give it to you straight, because that’s how I roll.”

“We love you, River!” someone shouts.

Awwwwww, I heart my fans!

“Thanks, man. That means a lot.” I smile briefly and then let my gaze turn serious as it roams over the audience.

“As many of you know, just when the Alliance was closing in and ready to take him down, Layne Madison and his accomplice managed to escape from Earth. That was over a month ago. For a while, things were quiet, but we always knew he would be coming back—and with reinforcements.”

There’s a low murmur from the crowd. Worried faces stay focused on me and I continue on. “Our latest Alliance intelligence indicates that Layne Madison and his supporters are gearing up to attempt an invasion of this planet.”

The anxious whispers get a bit louder as they circulate throughout the crowd, so I give folks a moment to digest what I’ve just said before I hold my hands up for quiet as I continue.

“However, rest assured! We’re not going to let that happen.

This is our home, and we’re going to protect it from these evil mofos. ”

“Hell yeah, River!” someone screams from the audience, making me grin.

“‘Hell yeah’ is right! We will not be bullied by some douche canoe who thinks he can step onto our turf and claim it as his own. We aren’t going to be pushed around and we’re not giving in without a fight.

In the famous words of Jason Nesmith from the film Galaxy Quest , ‘Never give up, never surrender!’”

That elicits a raucous cheer and table pounding among the crowd, and I’m smiling so hard my face hurts.

“Now, having said all that, the Alliance could use your help. I’m sure many of you have special talents, abilities, and even connections beyond this world that could prove valuable in the coming conflict.

Well, friends, it’s time to cash in any outstanding favors you may have.

We need to marshal our forces on all fronts to protect the planet and keep our way of life safe from this danger.

Layne Madison and his supporters aren’t like me or you.

They aren’t from here or trying to relocate here and integrate among humanity peacefully.

No, sirree. They’re coming to take over the Alliance outpost on Earth and stop anyone who gets in their way.

After that… we don’t know what they have planned, but considering the massive hate-on they have for the Alliance, I can assure you it won’t be good.

Then, add to that the fact a bunch of intergalactic ‘racial purity’ assholes have joined Layne Madison’s forces and I’d say it’s a recipe for a shit storm of epic proportions.

We must stop them from succeeding in their mission at all costs, and we call on you now to stand with us and fight back! ”

Just as I expected, everyone in the bar stands, ready to assist us in whatever ways they can. The energy in the air around us is electrifying. Now I know how Bill Pullman’s character must have felt when he gave his rallying speech in Independence Day .

To my surprise, when everyone quiets down a bit, my friend and former neighbor Tom Jones is the first to step forward.

“I can use my long-range satellite to reach out to some of my former intergalactic military squadron buddies. A number of them went into business for themselves as mercenaries and armed security for hire. They’ve got some intimidating firepower and well-armored ships to make invaders think twice. ”

“Indeed,” CJ adds in his squeaky chipmunk voice. “My old battalion is on call anytime I need them. As their former general, I can summon them here quite quickly. Our ships have warp capabilities and excellent defense networks. Tom and I used to assist one another on a number of missions.”

Tom high-fives him. “Just like that time we took on a whole fleet of Treturions together. We outmaneuvered them before they even knew what was happening.”

CJ chuckles. “Most definitely. Those were good times.”

I gape at them both. These two karaoke-loving goofballs were old… military buddies?!

“Shut the front door,” I blurt out before I can hold it in.

First, I discover Nirblob’s hidden talents and now this? Lesson learned, I will not make assumptions about my friends ever again. They seriously rock even more than I realized!

Tom gives a relaxed shrug. “Me and CJ used to work together protecting planets in the Zarturion galaxy that were under threat from invaders. A lot of those frontier planets were rich in natural resources that others wanted to plunder for themselves.” A fond smile of recollection curves his lips.

“Those were some fun, action-packed days.”

CJ nods his head in agreement. “Indeed, they were, my friend. Enjoying our retirement here on Earth has been wonderful, but we can jump back in the battle cruiser seat once more to defend what’s ours.”

They high-five again.