Page 37 of All You Need is Alien Love (Tentacular Tales #4)

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Spill the TEA: Trustworthy Earthling Advice

Thanks for all the relaxation suggestions from last time! I’m looking forward to trying a bunch of them out. First on my list is the aerial yoga recommendation. I can already picture myself performing graceful maneuvers in the air like I’m trying out for Cirque du Soleil!

Now, onto our critical issue of the day… is there anything “real” in reality TV?

Dear Dr. TEA,

As a recent visitor on Earth, I became quite fascinated by the media phenomenon of what you Earthlings call “reality TV.” It took me a while to realize the label is, of course, a bit of a misnomer.

There is very little that is “real” about these shows, and yet the illusion of realness is quite compelling.

Oddly addictive even. A show about wealthy housewives spending money, living lavishly, and bickering among their fake friend group shouldn’t be so entertaining—and yet it’s hard to stop watching.

I do not know the Kardashians, and yet I too found myself wanting to keep up with them after watching a few episodes.

As an intergalactic entrepreneur, I see real—no pun intended—potential in this bizarre genre of human media!

It’s something I could share with the rest of the universe, and I think you would make a most fascinating subject for a show pitched toward an intergalactic audience.

I can picture it now—we could document your life as a half-human, half-extraterrestrial working for the Alliance on Earth, being married to an Iyaran, and keeping the aliens safe while they live incognito in Las Vegas.

Oh, and let’s not forget, your beloved fictional efforts as well.

We could have a viral intergalactic hit on our hands—and tentacles. What do you say?

Yours Truly,

Ready to Rock Intergalactic Reality TV with You

Dear Ready to Rock,

Reality television is a distinctly odd human invention, that’s for sure.

I tend to prefer more of the competition variety shows in that vein: Project Runway , RuPaul’s Drag Race , The Great British Baking Show , and so on.

Part of the fascination, as your comments noted, seems to relate to the voyeuristic nature of some of these shows and what they pretend to offer us—namely, a sneak peek into the private lives of other people, and often ones who are far wealthier or more famous than us.

That said, I’m deeply flattered by your proposal but I prefer to keep my private life private. Or, as much as I realistically can. But never fear, I’m sure there are other folks in the universe who would gladly take you up on a similar offer. Good luck!

Sashaying away with realness,

Dr. TEA

River

When we finally enter the base, we’re immediately surrounded by the violent and chaotic energy of an ongoing battle.

I hit pay dirt when I spy Aiden and Roxy crouched behind some strategically positioned titanium storage crates, Slime-O-Matic Paralyticators in their hands. Roxy’s eyes brighten when she sees me, and she uses a free hand to urge me over.

While she lays down some covering fire, Nirblob and I join them, our own weapons at the ready.

“What took you so long?” Roxy demands.

“Well—” I begin.

Suddenly, Roxy bobs up from her position and hits an incoming attacker square in the face with a slime ball, leaving him frozen, a stupefied expression on his face.

“Serves you right, asshole!” she hoots.

I’m more relieved than I want to admit at the sight of her safe and sound.

Also, I am really freaking lucky to have so many amazing, kickass women in my life.

“How are things going?” I whisper, peeking around an enormous crate to survey the base.

“All good so far. Your Groxil slime gun idea was fucking inspired.” She fist-bumps me and offers the same to Nirblob. “And your design is pretty damn perfect. Good work, man.”

Nirblob chuffs happily and flings his cape over his shoulder. “I’m a Zelitine of many talents.”

“I’m real fucking glad you’re on our side,” I tell him.

Had Layne Madison been smarter, he would have cultivated a friendship with Nirblob to ensure his loyalty and devotion.

A lot of extraterrestrials are just looking for a place to belong and others who will care about them.

Nirblob was the same when I met him, and I quickly set about making him my friend rather than my enemy.

It’s quite possibly the thing that will ensure our survival against Layne Madison’s invasion plan.

And, as a bonus, I got a really cool and super genius co-conspirator to hatch future plans with!

Layne Madison was cocky and egotistical. He never even considered Nirblob worth his time and treated him like hired help he didn’t care about at all. Zamir and Zion’s dad did it too, with all of the people he killed or exiled simply for trying to live and love on their own terms.

Their loss is my gain, and today they’re seeing their mistakes in real time.

The Light Side of The Force will always win over the Dark Side, mothafuckas!

Roxy chuckles and Aiden rolls his eyes. “So, what took you so long?” he asks in a truly bitchy tone.

Ah, so good to know that, even in the face of an intergalactic invasion, Aiden’s going to be his usual self.

Nirblob pipes up. “River was defeating Fuckface Fabio in a duel.”

Roxy’s eyes go comically wide. “You were what ?” she shrieks.

I wince. “It’s a long story, but he was working with Adeline and they grabbed Kai, just like we expected.

But then, as they were getting ready to teleport back here, Fuckface Fabio challenged me to some Iyaran duel.

Ellie and Mal told me the whole thing was moot no matter what the end result since Kai and I had already completed the Sanctioning Ceremony.

But I knew he wouldn’t take ‘get lost’ for an answer and had to end this bullshit with him once and for all. ”

Roxy gapes. “Has he completely lost the plot or what?”

I grimace. “That’s definitely part of it. But I think it’s even more than that. The guy’s not well, either mentally or physically, that’s for sure. He’s got the look of a junkie in withdrawal, to be honest.”

I hastily explain the physical signs I noticed.

Aiden inhales sharply. “You think Layne Madison has been drugging him?”

“Not sure, but given the guy’s track record, it seems pretty fucking likely.”

“Or perhaps Adeline did something to him?” Nirblob suggests. “Her shady medical experiments, especially on Iyarans, are quite concerning.” He nods his oversized head. “It’s clearer by the day that Adeline and Layne Madison are much more entrenched co-conspirators than we perhaps first believed.”

“And both of them Osairans,” Roxy adds, her mouth twisting into a grim line. “Hopefully, this doesn’t speak to a larger plot among some faction from my home world.”

That worries me too, and I can’t help but agree with Nirblob and Roxy. We’re gonna have to figure out what the deal is once we capture the pair of Osairans who’ve brought the threat of war right to our front door.

From our secure position, we aren’t encountering much of an onslaught. By now, the invaders have become wary of the power of my Slime-O-Matic Paralyticator and are maintaining a safe distance from our little fort.

Roxy looks me up and down, then does a double take when she gets a good look at the harness contraption I’m wearing. My mechanical tentacles are pulled in close to my back at the moment, but they’re still pretty unmistakable.

She arches an eyebrow. “I take it you and your Terminator tentacles whooped Fabian’s ass?”

“You bet your sweet ass I did,” I say with a grin. “We left him unconscious outside and his mercenary goons paralyzed by Groxil slime.”

She high-fives me and I survey the scene around me again.

“Things were a bit dicier a little while ago,” Aiden says. “More of the enemy’s support teams kept arriving, and we were getting worried we might not have the numbers to handle them.”

Roxy nods. “But when that suddenly came to a stop, we were able to start turning the tide.” She frowns. “Surely they have more people on their ships in orbit? I’m not sure why they stopped sending more down here.”

“I don’t care why they stopped, just so long as they don’t start up again,” Aiden offers.

That’s Nirblob’s cue to cackle with glee. “Fear not, my pheromone-laden friend. I have taken care of that little problem.”

Aiden gives him a skeptical look, but I shake my head. “Trust me, Nirblob has hit them with a serious computer whammy that’s fucked up the operating systems of all their vessels. He’s definitely saved our asses, big time.”

One thing I struggled to find a solution to in our unwinnable Kobayashi Maru-esque scenario was if they outnumbered us in a way we wouldn’t have a hope of responding to. But Nirblob found the answer for us.

I may have given him the initial kernel of an idea, but he became the actual James T.

Kirk of our group, using his own skills to infiltrate the computer systems of their ships and take control of everything.

It isn’t something I think any of the rest of us could have hoped to accomplish without him.

Thank the galactic gods for that big brain of his—and the fact that he’s on our side! Oh, and showing him Independence Day totally inspired him with the whole GLITCH thing, I’m certain. I mentally pat myself on the back for that one!

“We’ll tell you all about it later,” I hasten to add. “Right now, I need to try and find my boo. You guys stay in position here while Nirblob and I check on the others. Cover our asses if you can.”

“Aye, Captain,” Roxy says with a smart salute and a cheeky wink, and I’m reminded yet again how much I fucking love my crew.

“Team ANAL for the win,” I reply, pumping my fist in the air triumphantly.

Keeping to darker corners, Nirblob and I infiltrate deeper into the base where the more serious fighting is still happening. The closer we get to the front entrance, the more intense the battle situation gets.

It doesn’t take long for us to discover more than a dozen Vroknu warriors