Page 50 of All You Need is Alien Love (Tentacular Tales #4)
The (Formerly Evil) Lord Nirblob’s Earth Life Diary
As most species across the universe know, Zelitines are typically not known for fostering friendships, especially among our own kind.
Biologically blessed with such enormous and brilliant brains, we are some of the most intelligent creatures in the universe—and that isn’t just my ego talking!
As a result, we are often too competitive with each other.
This all means we tend to forge our own paths based on our neurological abilities and personal preferences and are perfectly content on our own.
But after wandering the universe alone for so long, I discovered a desire for connection with others when I spent time with River.
Meeting my favorite author and building a friendship with him has been most enlightening.
I never realized “hanging out” with someone could be so entertaining.
River is not unlike an exotic creature one might find on a distant planet and wish to study.
I have yet to fully decipher how his own unusual brain works.
All I know is that it continues to surprise me on a daily basis.
Recently, we have enjoyed several “movie marathons” together thanks to River’s persuasive coaxing.
It is strangely difficult to say no to him.
I am finding Earthling films to be most educational.
Their so-called science fiction titles are fascinating windows into human ideas about the universe.
Much of it is utterly wrong and comedically ludicrous.
Some of it is uncannily prescient though.
I will be keen to observe humankind’s evolution and progress as a species.
Once they improve their space flight technology, they will finally be able to join the rest of the universe and interact with many other species.
I’m giddy just thinking about how this might play out. There are so many possibilities!
It should only take another millennium or two by my calculations before they can truly explore the universe.
Earth date: 10 November
Running Vardox’s Cantina has proven to be a smooth transition into life on this planet, and networking with the diverse extraterrestrial community here has been surprisingly rewarding.
It’s most evident to me that River has made a substantial contribution to the Alliance and built bridges with the many immigrants and refugees here.
Project ORAL, in particular, has improved the mood of my clientele greatly.
They come to my establishment full of big smiles and boisterous conversation.
The liquor flows and the toasts are plentiful.
On the side, I continue to work on my inventions.
I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t. River has taught me the importance of embracing one’s true self and “owning it like a badass.” It was a surprise to me when I realized I actually wanted to help some of my fellow extraterrestrials here on Earth.
Running the bar has led me to develop a sense of kinship with many of them, and my new goal is to create tools that can help them more easily go into public without fear of exposing their true identities.
This can prove challenging to many extraterrestrials, including myself, since we don’t possess sufficient humanoid features.
Right now, I am working on a device that can change the color of one’s skin when observed by the human eye.
This will be of great help to our Vroknu friends and a handful of others.
After that, I am ruminating on ways to design a humanoid body suit.
Although many Earthling science fiction films are utterly ridiculous, they have given me some incredible inspiration.
After watching Men in Black and Galaxy Quest , both of which feature aliens wearing human disguises, I realized I could create something similar—but of course infinitely better—that would allow those of us who need it to blend in that much easier in human society.
This humanoid body suit, when finished, may be my greatest accomplishment so far, the invention that will put me in the intergalactic halls of history! Sometimes I amaze even me with my own brilliance.
Although I have been quite busy, I have still found plenty of time to work on my Lord Vardox capes.
Since one never knows when a replacement cape or evening attire-appropriate one may be needed, I now possess several.
Like Lord Vardox, I have an exquisite sense of style.
My full Vardox ensemble, including mechanical tentacle belt and sparkle roller skates (for best speed-glide effect), is most impressive.
Why, I’m even considering entering the next cosplay contest at Tentacular Tales Con.
I haven’t told River yet. I can’t wait to surprise him!
Earth Date: 15 December
The last few weeks have been busy, busy, busy! We are, after all, preparing for a forthcoming extraterrestrial invasion attempt.
Team ANAL, as River calls his group of comrades—not surprising, given his frequent jokes about human anatomy—seems quite worried about what is to come.
They’re putting so much effort into their counterattack, I don’t want to tell them I have several armaments on my own vessel that are capable of destroying any ships that dare to enter our orbit.
That would involve, however, their total obliteration, which weirdly goes against Alliance protocol.
I have no issues with the annihilation of any who would hurt my friend and threaten my new life on Earth, but I have held my tongue.
The Alliance has opted for a more complicated path forward that involves capturing our enemies.
They are far less bloodthirsty than seems healthy, but I try not to judge.
The old, evil me would have said kill the lot of them, which only makes sense.
That’s the surest way to eliminate the threat and protect what is yours.
Now, however, I am learning how to walk on the Light Side of The Force, as River describes it.
I have put my formerly evil ways behind me. Mostly.
After all, sometimes one needs to be a little bit evil in order to fight evil.
That is why I began working on my GLITCH program—River has wooed me to the side of the acronym too—in order to completely incapacitate our enemies.
River and I watched Independence Day together and the plot device of injecting a computer virus into the alien ships was, actually, quite inventive.
I knew, however, that I could create something even better.
What better way to confound our enemies than with an attack modeled on a human-made faulty computer program that caused endless pain and torment to many Earthlings? Mwhahahaha!
Ahem. I possess just a hint of evil now, as I said, but so did my newfound idol, Jeff Goldblum.
With my program, we can minimize casualties and capture the invaders as planned.
I haven’t told anyone about my wonderfully nasty little surprise for our enemies—best to save that for the right moment.
The grand reveal, as River has explained to me, requires some flair!
On a side note, although he is a hero who battles against the Dark Side, River is also just a little bit evil too.
For instance, his idea for weaponizing Groxil slime was ingenious.
I have no doubt the Slime-O-Matic Paralyticator will become a valuable tool in our upcoming battle.
Just thinking about it makes me want to rub my hands together with glee.
But River tells me that’s a trademark of many evil villains, so I only do it when no one’s looking.
It is still a process. Fortunately, he believes my evil laugh is coming along, as he put it, “swimmingly.”