Page 33 of All You Need is Alien Love (Tentacular Tales #4)
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Spill the TEA: Trustworthy Earthling Advice
I hope you’ve all been doing well, my friends.
On my end, things have been more than a smidge stressful of late.
But I’ve been using my encyclopedic knowledge of all things sci-fi cinema to formulate an epic plan that will ensure my hubby-boo and I can enjoy a safe and stress-free honeymoon adventure! More on that soon.
For now, onto our tantalizing topic of the day… Only Fans! *fans self
Dear Dr. TEA,
I love your column and Tentacular Tales . Team Vardox all the way!
I’m newly situated on Earth and looking to start up an OnlyFans account.
Distance sex work like this is common on my home world and a way I enjoy earning currency to support myself while I’m going to school.
I’m aiming to become a fashion designer, so I may be a public figure one day.
Since I know Earthlings associate a lot of shame and social stigma with sex work, I’m trying to keep a certain amount of anonymity with my OF account.
I have discovered there is a healthy foot fetish market on this planet that seems like an ideal fit—no pun intended.
My feet are lovely and I take excellent care of them.
There is but one… anatomical problem, as it were.
I have webbed toes—and six on each foot, as is standard among my kind.
Would it be too risky to bare it all when it comes to my feet? Or could I make a killing among foot fetishists?
Sincerely,
Webbed Toes are Sexy Too
Dear Webbed Toes are Sexy Too,
It’s always lovely to hear from a fan! Thanks for taking the time to write to me for advice.
You’re definitely right about human stigma around sex work.
Feminists have been trying to legislate greater protections and rights for sex workers, including things like health care and regular government-subsidized STI screenings.
While some countries have made progress on these fronts, it’s by no means a universal thing.
OnlyFans could be a good option to earn money and mediate the higher risks involved with direct physical contact with paying human clients.
I agree that you want to avoid revealing your identity if you plan to pursue a public career down the line.
Foot-only photos and videos might work. As for the anatomical differences, I think it’s all in how you frame things.
Create an account that plays on a magical and/or otherworldly vibe.
Bring that kind of music and imagery into videos you create.
Style yourself as the “Half-Mermaid Princess” or something fun like that.
Bedazzle your toes! Remember, when it comes to separating reality from fiction in film, glitter is your friend!
Really lure them in with the fantastical element.
No one will guess that they’re completely real, and you might start a whole new niche in the foot-fetish market!
Good luck and keep working hard in school. I can’t wait to hear about how you get your foot (pun intended!) in the door of the fashion industry.
In tentacles we trust,
Dr. TEA
River
I really fucking hate that Kai convinced me to let him be bait in this whole operation, even though I don’t think Fabian or Adeline will hurt him—he’s too valuable to them. It’s still dangerous.
Watching him being whisked away in the transporter with a phaser to his head fills me with fear, anxiety, and pure, white-hot rage, much like Princess Leia must have felt when she watched Han Solo being taken away from her and frozen in carbonite.
And, of course, my hubby-boo knew exactly how I was feeling at that moment. The fact that he once again delivered Han Solo’s infamous line to me before he disappeared into the transporter light just makes me all that much more determined to see our plan through to the end.
“Fuck, I love him,” I say, unable to keep the note of longing out of my voice.
Mal makes a mock gagging noise. “Galactic gods, you two need to get past this newlyweds phase and stop being such lovesick fools. It’s grossing me out.”
“Dude, don’t be jealous of my and my boo’s happiness just cuz my uncle’s not falling at your feet like others have in the past. Don’t be a petty bitch.”
Mal’s cheeks flush. “When all this is over, I’m going to convince him to be mine. So hurry up and get to rescuing my brother.”
I know he’s trying to give me his version of a pep talk, so I straighten my back and draw on every ounce of confidence I possess. “You bet your sweet ass I will!”
Nirblob comes sailing into the transporter room on his roller skates and heads straight for the main computer terminal, where he scans the screen.
“Aha! It appears as though Adeline tried to sabotage the transporter system by administering a virus so we can’t follow her.”
Nirblob throws his head back and laughs. “Mwahahaha. Little does that foolish woman know. She is up against The Evil Lord Nirblob. Her virus is no match against my ship’s superior security system.”
He continues to cackle a bit maniacally to himself as his gloved fingers fly across the keypad.
Once again, I’m totally glad he’s on our side.
“Well, thank goodness we followed your advice and let you sync up the Alliance mainframe with your ship’s computer.”
Ellie grumbles a bit at this. Originally, she’d been against the idea.
If Nirblob turns against us for any reason, he would have complete control over our system, but I trust that Nirblob has left the Dark Side of the Force behind and is an ally through and through.
More importantly, he’s a true friend and an avid fan of my work.
There’s no way he’d betray me—especially if it meant he’d never get another new Lord Vardox and Captain Starblade fix for the rest of his life.
When I vouched for him in front of everyone at our Town Hall meeting, I think it touched the little green guy’s heart. Ever since, he’s really gone above and beyond to help us and prove his commitment to Operation CHAOS.
And I’ve begun to realize why his head is so huge.
It’s to house that massive, extremely ingenious brain of his.
He’s really the perfect partner in crime because he knows how to bring a lot of my wild notions to fruition.
I already have a ton of ideas for once we survive all of this, but I suppose I’ll probably have to run them by my boo first so I don’t get myself into trouble. We just need to get him back first.
“Do we have the coordinates for where they went?” Ellie demands, pacing in agitation.
She may put on a tough front, but she loves her sons something fierce and is just as anxious as I am when it comes to Kai’s safety.
Swallowing down my fear, I focus on the trust I have in him. He’s such an amazing, capable captain in his own right. Kai didn’t volunteer for his role in all of this without any forethought. For now, I have to believe he’s safe and waiting for me to come riding to the rescue like we planned.
Nirblob takes a moment to scrutinize the screen, tapping the keypad a few times. “It appears they were transported to a location within a short distance of the Valley of Fire base, no doubt where their scouting vessels landed in preparation to invade our second facility.”
“Just like I predicted,” I murmur.
On the one hand, I’m relieved to see things playing out just like I anticipated. On the other hand, I can’t stop my heart from racing with worry and fear. No operation is foolproof but failure is not an option because Kai’s life is on the line.
Ellie grimaces. “So, about this duel Fabian has called for…”
I give a weak laugh. “Uh, yeah. Didn’t see that one coming. The guy’s a few solar panels short of a spaceship, if you catch my drift.”
Ellie’s mouth sets in a grim line. “He’s gone off the deep end, yes, but that makes him all the more dangerous. It’s harder to know how he’ll behave.”
“Regardless, the duel he called for won’t even be considered legitimate since River and Kai have already completed the Sanctioning Ceremony,” Mal offers. “What’s the point?”
I grimace. “He probably just wants an excuse to try and beat the crap out of me.”
Or kill me.
“It does throw a bit of a wrinkle into our plan,” Ellie says.
“Can’t I just… turn it down?” That seems like an obvious solution.
“You can probably try but he’s not going to stop getting in our way unless he’s taken out of the equation one way or another,” Mal interjects with a sigh.
Damn but I know he’s right.
“Maybe a duel is the best way to deal with him, then? What are the rules of this particular one?” Nirblob chimes in, his head tilted in curiosity. “Is it like the Blood Duel Lord Vardox and Khamos fight in your Tentacular Tales ?”
I gape. Good fucking question. How is it that my life and the lives of my characters seem to have a six degrees of Kevin Bacon-like phenomenon going on?
Ellie tightens her high ponytail with a harsh tug that tells me just how agitated she really is. “It’s an Iyaran close combat duel. Opponents are each given a small ceremonial blade and must fight each other with only that weapon and their other… appendages.”
I wilt at that. “Great. So I’m at an obvious disadvantage.”
“Ah!” Nirblob cries suddenly. “I may have a solution.”
For some reason, he fires up the transporter and we all watch with amazement as a familiar-looking object appears on the platform.
“This is a new prototype I’ve been working on for a while now.” He skates over, brimming with excitement, and holds aloft his bounty. “Behold! The Vardoxian Tentacular Belt of Domination!”
We all stare at the device that’s quite similar to the belt I wore for my Sanctioning Ceremony dance with Kai. But this one is more of a harness that straps over the back and buckles in the front.
“Try it on,” Nirblob urges giddily.
My nerd impulses take over and I strap that sucker on so fast I nearly give my audience whiplash.
“Now, watch.” Nirblob uses a small portable device to activate the four tentacle arms that begin to undulate around me with deadly grace.