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I can tell he wants to comfort me, but doing so is hurting him—which I never want to do again. Though, when I try to pull away from him, to give him the space I can see he needs, he tightens his hold on me and won’t let go.

“It’s okay. I’m feeling better now,” I tell him, giving him the out he needs to walk away without feeling guilty.

Miles shakes his head, letting out a harsh, humourless laugh as he rubs his hand soothingly over my back. “I’m not,” he whispers. “I need to hold you until I’m sure you’re safe. Is that okay?”

“Yes.” It comes out as barely a whisper, sounding like a prayer that he never lets me go.

I let him hold me for a while, and although there’s a part of me that just wants to enjoy it, I can see the opportunity I’m presented with. This might be my only chance to have this conversation with him, so I take it.

I twist on his lap, so I can look up at him easier. His eyes seem heavy, like he’s fighting off sleep, and it makes him appear younger than ever. There’s a softness to him that I’ve not seen since I came back, and it reminds me of the boy I loved.

His bright-blue eyes are full of emotion as he stares down at me, reminding me of how he used to look at me, back when I was his world. Seeing that same expression now makes my heart race, and I’m even more worried my words are going to ruin this, but they have to be said.

I take a deep breath to steel my nerves, before giving him the explanation he’s waited a long time for.

“I really am sorry for the way I left. I’ve gotten pretty good at monitoring police chatter, keeping track of Gregg’s movements, things like that, all so I’ll know if he’s anywhere near me.

“The night I left, my phone alerted me that his car was near enough to trigger the alarm. He may have been nearby for work, nothing to do with me, but I can’t ever afford to take that risk. So, I packed and left.

“Trust me when I tell you, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I considered telling you everything, but back then, I thought you were just a cute guy who had just graduated university, and was taking the summer to decide what to do with his future. I had no idea you were part of this life.

“I hated the idea of bringing you into my dangerous world, putting your life at risk, just so I could keep you. I told myself that letting you go was for the best, that it was the only way to keep you safe. If I knew then what I know now, of course, I’d have done things differently, but I was a scared twenty-two-year-old that just wanted to keep you safe.”

Miles lets out a long sigh, and much to my amazement, the way he’s looking at me doesn’t change at all. If anything, his expression seems softer when he gives me a small smile.

“I understand now why you did it. I massively regret not properly communicating with you at the time. If I had asked more questions, or told you more about myself, I think this could have all been avoided.”

I reach up and lay my hand on his cheek, his stubble scratching against my palm as he leans into my touch. “You thought we had time. Besides, I trusted you so much more because you didn’t push me or ask too many questions. It meant I didn’t have to tell you too many lies.”

I can’t say that I’ve not thought the same thing as him over the last couple of weeks, but that’s the great thing about hindsight. At the time, we were two very broken young people who were falling in love when we least expected it. Of course, we made mistakes, but we did the best we could in the moment.

Miles nods in understanding, though his smile does falter, which makes my nerves spike. “I know you leaving would never have come at a good time, but it happened at the worst time imaginable, and that influenced how I felt a lot.”

My eyes narrow, assessing him as I try to find any clues to what he’s not saying. Since we’re trying this new open communication thing, I bravely ask him, “What do you mean?”

At first, I think Miles is going to clam up and avoid answering my question, which sets my nerves on edge even more. But eventually, he lets out a long huff that turns into a sigh, and he tells me everything.

I listen as he tells me about his mum’s overdose, and everything that happened whilst she was in her coma. Tears slide down my cheeks when he describes the moment he and Courtney said goodbye to their mother.

No matter how awful she had been to them before she died, she was still their mother, and my heart broke for him.

He almost shattered me when he told me all the times he’d tried to reach out to me whilst she was in her coma. How he had been desperate to have me by his side, to help him through one of the most difficult times of his life, and instead, I only added to his pain.

I remain silent as he details how he killed Bruce, following Maximus’ instructions to make it look like an overdose, brought on by the grief of losing his partner.

I should be shocked to hear about his first kill, but I’m not. I’m proud of him for having the strength to get the revenge he needed, and to do whatever was necessary to keep his family safe.

When he gets to the hardest part, that’s when my heart truly breaks, and it hits me just how much I hurt him. When he should have been planning his mother’s funeral, or taking care of his grieving little sister, he was preoccupied trying to find me.

I distracted him from his own mourning period, and I pulled him away when his family needed him the most. Hearing him say that the pain of me not answering his phone calls, and learning that I had left, was worse than anything else he suffered at that time almost killed me.

I have no right to cry, yet I can’t stop the tears from silently falling. I knew leaving would hurt him, but it did so much more than that. I stole time from him that he can never get back, and I don’t know how he will ever be able to forgive me.

I understand now why he hates me so much, and why he was so angry when I came back. I’m a reminder of that time, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make this right. It’s so much worse than I ever thought.

Miles lifts his hand to my cheek, and softly brushes away my tears.How can he bear to touch me, to look at me, knowing everything I took from him?

“I’m so sorry,” I cry. “I should have been there for you. It was a time you needed me the most, and instead of being there for you, I added to your stress. I took you away from your family when they needed you. I understand now why you can’t forgive me.”