Page 43

“Dad really tried to take care of me, but he was struggling after losing the love of his life. He stopped looking after himself, spiralling into a deep depression, and I just didn’t know how to help him. I was a confused teenager, grieving the loss of my mum.
“We got by, but barely. I was sixteen when he had a heart attack and died. Everything they owned was left to me, but Children’s Social Services said I was too young to live on my own. So I bounced around shitty foster homes, until I aged out at eighteen, and they allowed me to live alone in my parent’s house.
“Even though that was better than foster care, I had no idea how to live on my own. Nobody really taught me the essential skills needed to run a house, to survive. But more than that, I was so fucking lonely and scared. I’d lost everyone, and it made me really vulnerable.
“That’s when I met Gregg. He was twenty-four, making him six years older than me, but I quite liked that. He knew how to cook, and he wanted to take care of me. He was the first person to make me feel beautiful and cared for.”
I watch both Jake and Miles’ eyes darken when I mention his name, no doubt getting a feel for where this story is going. I want to close my eyes, to hide from the scrutiny of their gaze when I tell them the worst parts, but I won’t. I owe them this story—particularly Miles.
So, I take a deep breath and pull on the last shred of strength I have in me. The part I’ve been keeping safe, just waiting for the time to come when I can finally take on my demons.
“I know now that what I felt wasn’t love. He took advantage of my vulnerability, and manipulated it to suit his needs, whilst making it look like love, but I didn’t know that at the time. Sowhen he suggested moving in with me after only a couple of months of dating, so he could take care of me, I said yes.”
My voice cracks at the end, and I close my eyes to try and claw back my shaky control. Delving into the past, dragging up the memories I’ve long kept hidden away, is hard.
I startle when I feel a warmth across my free hand. One is still holding onto Jake like he’s my life raft, but the other is balled into a tight fist on the table. I look over and see Miles has laid his palm over my fist, and my heart aches at the gesture.
He gives me a reassuring smile and motions for me to continue. I hold on to the strength both men are lending me, and I talk once more.
“I should probably mention that Gregg is a police officer. I think that added to how safe he made me feel, but it was all just a front to reel me in. It didn’t take long after he moved in for his true colours to show.
“He became manipulative and controlling, and he worked hard to isolate me, making me believe he was the only person I needed. He cut me off from the few friends I had, and made me quit my job, saying working in a cafe was beneath me.
“He took over the finances and made me dependent on him for money. He basically turned me into an isolated housewife, who could only do things if he gave me permission. He even timed how long I was at the shops, and monitored the mileage in the car, to make sure I didn’t go anywhere other than where he’d given me permission to go.
“He cut me off from everything and everyone, and I know this sounds stupid, but I could cope with that level of control and manipulation, until the physical abuse started. That’s when things got too much.” My voice breaks at the end as tears well up in my eyes, and I have to fight to keep them from falling.
“Motherfucker!” Jake snaps, his face flushing with rage.
Miles’ hold on my fist tightens, and I can see he’s struggling to keep his usual calm composure. His fury is bubbling away under the surface, and he appears to only just be keeping it at bay.
I pull in a shuddered breath, trying to keep my voice even as I get to the worst time of my life. “I won’t go into too much detail, but he’d beat me for no reason, and then he’d make me think it was my fault. He’d hurt me so badly I couldn’t move, and then pretend like nothing happened.
“He would force me to have sex with him, even when I didn’t want to, or I was in too much pain from the abuse he’d inflicted on me. That didn’t seem to matter to him at all. If I tried to say no, he forced me anyway, saying he had every right as my body belonged to him.
“In between the assaults, he’d tell me how much he loved me, and that we’d be together forever. He made it clear I belonged to him, but I quickly realised these weren’t declarations of love, they were threats.
“He told me I could never leave him. That if I tried, he’d use the full force of the police to drag me back to him.”
Miles winces, his face crumbling like he’s in pain. “That’s why you were so scared when I said I was going to run your prints?”
I nod, and the tears I’ve tried to keep at bay trickle down my cheek. “Yes, he’d be able to find me then.”
Jake shifts in his seat. “Are you sure he’s still looking for you? It’s been over nine years, he might have moved on,” Jake states, sounding hopeful.
I let out a humourless laugh. “I know he’s still looking for me. You see, the night I finally got the courage to leave him, I saw something I wasn’t supposed to see. Because of that, he’ll never stop looking for me.”
“What did you see?” Both Miles and Jake ask at the same time, before looking at each other with amused smiles.
“I had started to suspect that Gregg wasn’t a good person. Despite the abuse I suffered, I wanted to believe that he was doing good work as a police officer, and what he was doing to me was almost a blip in his character. I was so fucking wrong.
“The thing about being an abused spouse, you learn to be invisible, and Gregg underestimated me. I knew his upbringing had been shitty, but he never spoke about it. Most of what I found out was through eavesdropping, or digging through his things.
“Some of what I’m about to tell you doesn’t make a lot of sense to me, but I’m hoping it will to the right person. I’m just going to tell you everything I know, and we can sort through it afterwards. Okay?”
Both Miles and Jake nod. “That sounds like a plan,” Miles says, as he gently turns my hand over and laces our fingers together, the same way I have with Jake.
My heart skips a beat and my stomach flutters as hope fills me like a burst of light. I’m so grateful he’s giving me the chance to explain all of this.