Page 119 of Your Last First Kiss

This time when he tugs, I let him go, and he takes the stairs two at a time.

“It’s okay, Landon. You can go back to bed,” I call up to him. “Kai is upset. It’ll all work out tomorrow. Can you put Mari back in her pack ’n play?”

Landon nods. He doesn’t seem convinced by my words, but he returns to his room, and then it’s just Penny and me and a chasm of regret.

As soon as we hear the click of Landon’s door, Penny breaks down. The sound of her sob brands itself to my aching heart. I wrap her in my arms and carry her to the sofa.

“Shh, sweetheart. It’s going to be okay.”

She sniffles and shakes her head while her tears soak my shirt.

“I promise you, it will be okay.”

“I—I can’t do this to him, Dillon.” Each word sounds like it’s been ripped from her throat.

My hand freezes on her back. That sounds an awful lot like goodbye.

“What do you mean?”

“I told you. I’ve told you so many times. I’m their mom and their dad. I’m their everything. I can’t cause them more pain. They can only take so much.”

“And what about you? What about your needs?” My throat closes up as she slides off my lap to sit next to me.

“My needs don’t matter. I gave up my life the second I became a mom.”

“We’ll figure it out. We just need time.”

“How? How will we figure it out? Eddy is going to always be around, causing pain. Kai is so angry that he doesn’t even know how to let anyone in. I don’t know how we find a way through that, Dillon, not without hurting him more. I’m sorry…”

“Don’t,” I growl.

“We can’t—”

“For fuck’s sake, Penny. Don’t do this.” Panic and fear invade my body, and my hands shake.

“The timing. It’s… I… We… I have to put them first.”

“I know that, and I respect that. But what I won’t do is throw away the best thing that’s ever happened in my life because a fifteen-year-old doesn’t know how to work through his emotions yet. I won’t do that, and you can’t make me. One day Kai will realize that I’m not the enemy. Until that day, I’ll be here, helping you, loving you, and being your friend if that’s all you can give for the time being. But I’m not going anywhere. Not unless you tell me you don’t love me.”

“I can’t ask you to do that. I don’t even know how long it will take for Kai. I can’t ask you to wait.”

“Penny, I’ve been waiting for you for three years. I’ll wait for another three and then another if that’s what it takes. My home is where you are, and that isn’t going to change.”

The air is too thick to inhale. “But can I ask something? About Kai?” Each word is more painful than the last.

She nods without looking at me. “What?”

“Has he talked to anyone? A therapist, maybe?”

She shakes her head, and another tear falls free.

“I think it might help him. He has a lot of big feelings and a lot of guilt built up inside of him. That kind of energy is toxic and needs an outlet. He’ll probably hate it at first, but I think it’s important.”

She nods again while swiping at her eyes. “I’ll see if I can get him an appointment,” she hiccups.

We sit side by side, staring into the silence for long minutes. Like we both know things will change when we move, but neither of us is ready.

Neither of us wants this.