Page 78 of When Ben Loved Tim

Tim’s face twists up. “First you say I shouldn’t dump her, and now you’re cutting me off if I don’t! Make up your goddamn mind!”

“Fine.” I huff a few times, trying to calm myself down. “I want you to leave her.”

Tim is already shaking his head. “I don’t see why anything has to change.”

“Because it hurts!” I snarl. And for once, I’m not talking about Krista’s feelings.

I cross my arms over my chest and stare out the window on my side of the car. I don’t trust myself to look at him.

“Are you mad at me?” I hear him ask.

I think about it and sigh, because he didn’t do this to me. I walked into the situation willingly. “No,” I say hoarsely. “You don’t want to know how I feel about you. It’ll only make it more complicated.”

I feel his hand on my leg, squeezing affectionately or possessively, I don’t know which. But I like it. I place my hand over his and let it linger there a moment. Then I release him and reach for the door.

“Hey! Where are you going?”

I finally look over and see concern in his eyes, but I don’t know if it’s for me or his reputation. Not that it matters. Of all the things I’d like to say to him, goodbye isn’t one of them. “We’ll catch up some other time.”

I push against the door and stumble out onto the sidewalk, bundling up against the chill while already missing his heat.

* * * * *

I don’t usually consider myself a gloomy person, but it’s hard not to feel down after the high of getting to be with my dream guy. Everything has gone back to the way it was before I met him, like I awoke from a dream or maybe a fevered delusion. We haven’t seen each other since we talked about Krista. I’ve been purposely avoiding Tim, because being around him would come with unbearable temptation that I would surely buckle under. And really, would that be so bad? So I felt a little guilty and slighted at times. At least we were together. Now all I feel is sorrow.

I’m so starved for him that I decide to deviate from my usual route at school. Seeing him will make the hunger worse, but I’m willing to risk it. And yet, when we do cross paths, I quickly lose my appetite. Krista is clinging to Tim’s arm, like she always does. That’s not surprising. When he notices me… Tim looks forward again, his gaze steady, as if I don’t matter to him. I stop and stare, waiting for any sign that I’m wrong. He doesn’t wink or smirk like he used to, or give any indication that I should call. Tim breezes by with his friends, and I’m left wondering if I made a mistake.

I’m still not sure the next day, but when my best friend picks me up in the morning, I learn that love has been wreaking havoc in both our lives.

“Finally!” she says the second I’m in her car. “I’ve been dying to talk to you!”

“Sorry,” I reply. “I had my phone turned off.” I hadn’t wanted to hear from Tim while simultaneously hoping he’d come over uninvited. Speaking of which… “How come you didn’t stop by?”

“Because I’m grounded,” Allison says. “I couldn’t have called you anyway. My dad broke my phone.”

Her face is so drawn that I instantly forget my own troubles. “What happened? I thought you were hanging out with Ronnie.”

“I was,” Allison says. She places a trembling hand to her forehead before returning it to the wheel. “We messed up. You know how I usually have him drop me off down the street?”

“Uh-oh.” I can already see where this is going.

“We weren’t thinking,” she continues. “Well actually, Ididthink about it when Ronnie parked in front of my house, but then he got out in a hurry to open the door for me. Which was so sweet that I didn’t want to tell him to get back in and keep driving.”

“Your dad saw,” I interject, not able to stand the suspense. “Didn’t he?”

Allison nods, her expression strained. “He caught us kissing. It was so bad, Ben! My dad was drunk and came hollering out of the house. Ronnie started walking over to him, like he was going to introduce himself, until my dad threw a whisky glass. He didn’t get Ronnie, but it did hit his car.”

“Oh shit! Was the damage bad?”

“I don’t know. Ronnie got back in and drove off, thank god.”

I look her over, searching for any sign that she’s been hurt.

Allison notices. “I’m fine. My dad just yelled. A lot.”

“But why?” I ask. “Because you’re dating someone?”

She shakes her head. “It’s because I was sneaking around.”