Page 143 of When Ben Loved Tim

“Like what?”

He licks his lips again. “I would have asked you out at the beginning of the year.”

That’s so sweet! It’s all too easy to imagine an alternate timeline, where the unassuming guy sitting next to me in physics class turned out to be what I’d been looking for the entire time. And maybe he could be still, if I wasn’t so wrapped up in Tim.

“I would have said yes,” I tell him.

Danny smiles. “Really?”

“Yeah.”

He seems a little overwhelmed by this news. His cheeks are burning and he keeps blinking rapidly. He’s not stunningly handsome. Nor does he have an impressive physique. But he is taller than me, which I like, and his willingness to be open with his thoughts and feelings is refreshing. I can’t though. My heart is too messed up at the moment, so I nod at the poster. “That looks good. Let’s watch it.”

“Okay!” Danny says. “I’ll ask my mom to microwave some popcorn for us. I’ll be right back!”

He races from the room, leaving me alone. But thanks to him, I’m not going to spend prom night feeling that way.

* * * * *

I thought prom being over would bring relief, but I’m hounded by questions. Did they kiss? Did Krista say that she loves him? Did he say it back? What if they slept together? I don’t want to know. I mean, I totally do, but I’m certain the truth will devastate me. So I avoid Tim by spending the next day with Allison. She tells me all about her evening with Ronnie, and how special everything was. I’m happy for my friend, but being around her means resisting the same temptation to find out more. She would have kept an eye out for Tim. I’m sure Allison saw him, but she doesn’t offer any information, and by some miracle I manage not to ask.

I’m lying in bed that night when I hear something pelt my window. The lights are already off, so I remain motionless as Tim keeps trying. Danny comes to mind. I don’t have a crush on him, or any feelings that aren’t platonic. But I can’t help thinking that he would have been a better boyfriend. The attraction between us could have developed slowly and been built on more than just the physical. My parents would love his mom. I’m certain of that. I don’t know about his dad, but the parallel doesn’t escape me, because it’s hard to feel sorry for Tim when Danny has it even worse and still came out swinging. We would have been two nerdy gay guys, defying all the bullies and homophobes by slow dancing together at prom.

The clinking sounds have finally ceased, so while drifting off, I try to imagine what Danny and I could have had. But of course my treacherous imagination soon replaces him with Tim. When I wake up the next morning, the remnants of a dream haunt me, Tim’s breath tickling my ear as he whispersI love you,I love you,I love you, over and over again. But of course he isn’t really there with me, so I get up and welcome the distractions of the day.

Allison comes over around lunchtime. My mom makes us grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. Comfort food. Afterwards we head over to Leon’s house. With the talent show coming up, we’ve been practicing there almost every day. Leon is still trying to get his ballad ironed out, certain it’s our strongest contender. Ronnie thinks we should go with an older song they already perfected, so we’ve been rehearsing both. I don’t really care which we end up choosing. I just like to sing with my best friend.

We’re about to play another set when the basement stairs squeak. I look up and see Tim standing there. My heart leaps before recent events catch up with me. Then my stomach sinks.

“Hey,” he says sheepishly, his eyes moving from me to Leon. “Your little brother let me in.”

“As well he should,” Leon replies. “Are you here to jam with us?”

“No,” Tim says. “I just need to talk to Benjamin real quick.”

Every head swivels in my direction.

My cheeks flush. I don’t know why. Maybe because it’s awkward. I can picture Danny coming down those stairs, gangly legs and all, his trucker hat whipping back and forth as he excitedly checks out all the instruments and band posters. Instead a hot guy is squirming at the top of the stairs while his expression pleads with me to go somewhere private. I don’t like it. I sigh and stand. A minute later, I’m standing outside with him, even though the sky is overcast and drizzling.

“Are you still mad at me?” Tim asks. “I thought we were cool.”

“How did it end with Krista?” I ask, unable to resist. “Does she think you’re still dating?”

Tim shakes his head. “She never did. Krista is going to study abroad, so prom was always supposed to be a… I don’t know.”

“Last huzzah?” I suggest.

Tim nods. “Yeah.”

“What about you?” I ask. “What college are you going to?”

“I’m working on it. I promise.”

He reaches for my hand, but I move it away. Yes, he looks ridiculously good for a guy who is wearing torn-up jean shorts and a simple black T-shirt. His brown skin is alluring as ever, as are the rounded muscles. I want to give into temptation and let his touch chase away my concerns. But not this time. He’ll have to use his words.

“Listen,” Tim says, taking a step closer before sighing. “I know I fucked up. But now it’s over so… Will you let me make it up to you? Friday night. We’ll do something really special.”

I shrug. “Like what?”