Page 142 of When Ben Loved Tim

“Notalwaysthe first,” I retort. “And for the record, math isn’t my best subject or I would have beat you more often.”

“Sounds likeyouwere the one competing withme,” he teases.

That makes me chuckle. “I guess so.”

“I do get really good grades,” he says with pride that I previously interpreted as arrogance. “When people pick on me, my mom says it’s the best way of getting revenge. Because eventually, being smart will actually be worth something.”

I already mourn all the lost years that we could have been friends. “Enough about your big brain,” I say. “I’ve waited my entire life to meet someone else who is gay. Tell me about that!”

He blinks in confusion. “I thought you had a boyfriend?”

“So did I,” I murmur. After a sigh, I try to sum it up as best I can. “He’s bisexual but can’t even admit that much. Which is why he’s taking a girl to prom, so everyone will think he’s straight. And to make his mom happy.”

“She doesn’t know?” Danny asks.

“Nope.”

“Huh. I already told mine.”

“Oh yeah? How’d it go?”

Danny shrugs. “She didn’t care. Like at all.”

I can’t help laughing. “Sorry. He’s made it all so complicated. You’ve just reminded me that it doesn’t have to be. What about your dad?”

“I was nervous about telling him,” Danny admits. “He’s not in my life much. Sometimes I don’t see him for years at a time. My mom doesn’t like him, since he never pays child support like he’s supposed to. So I thought about keeping it a secret from him, in case he stopped coming around entirely. But then I figured I didn’t have much to lose.”

“How did he react?”

Danny crinkles his nose. “He told me a story about an army buddy who would refuse to go to brothels and strip clubs for religious reasons, even though everyone knew he was gay. But he was one of the toughest guys in their squad, so nobody ever called him on it. I’m not sure what the point was. I think it was supposed to be supportive. My dad isn’t good at that sort of thing. He finished by telling me I need to do push-ups.”

“Sounds rough. Worse than what my boyfriend is going through.”

Danny seems surprised. “You guys didn’t break up?”

“I don’t know. It’s complicated. And hot. But mostly complicated.”

“You’re lucky,” he says breathlessly.

“Even though I’m in a bad relationship?” The words surprise me after slipping out, because I’ve never let myself frame it that way before.

Danny nods. “I just want to be with another boy. I’ve never even kissed someone.”

“Be careful what you wish for.” I’m tempted to ask which guy at school he finds the most attractive, but I know what his answer will be. And at the moment, I don’t want to think about Tim at all. Especially knowing where he is and who he’s with. “What should we do next?” I ask, eager for a distraction.

“I have a ton of movies and TV shows.”

“I’ve noticed!”

“Have you ever seen this series?” Danny goes to a poster of a weird-looking guy squatting next to a robotic dog. “It’s one of my favorites, since it involves time travel. Hey, where would you go, if given the chance? Into the future or into the past?”

“The future,” I reply, not needing to think hard about it. I just want to know if Tim and I end up together. That way I could stop torturing myself by wondering if I should walk away or wait things out.

“Why the future?” Danny asks.

“Because there would be a lot of comfort in knowing what’s going to happen.”

“That depends on what you see,” he replies. “It could be dystopian. Then you’d spend the rest of your life knowing how horrible the future will be. I’d rather go to the past. To change things.”