Page 37 of When Ben Loved Tim

“No kidding,” Tim says with a guffaw. “He was still green at the end of the school day. I don’t know how he managed to keep them all down.”

“He’s normally such a hot guy too,” I say, despising the words despite them being true. “Don’t you think?”

Tim turns a confused expression on me. “Huh?”

“Don’t ever repeat this,please, but I think Bryce is hot. Haven’t you ever checked him out in the shower?”

“He’s on the football team. I play baseball.”

“Right. What about your teammates? Ever been tempted to peek?”

“That would be social suicide,” Tim replies, deftly dodging the question.

Unless he honestly doesn’t get it. Maybe I need to be direct.

“Who do you think the hottest person is at our school?” I ask.

“Stacy!” Tim says instantly.

I make a face. “Not your own girlfriend?”

Tim shrugs. “Hey, I’m just being honest. Keep that between us, okay?”

Suddenly thatushe spoke of previously doesn’t sound as special. I want to be more than just his confidant that he experimented with briefly. “Okay,” I say, forcing myself to be patient. “Stacy is the hottest girl. What about the hottest guy?”

I stare at Tim as he narrows his eyes, as if deep in thought. I’m dying to hear his answer.

“Me,” he says, grinning broadly.

I groan. “Anyone besides you? Who do you think about when jacking off?” I hold up a hand when he starts to reply. “Besidesall the girls.”

Tim’s mouth snaps shut. I wait out the silence, only to be rewarded with, “I don’t know.”

“How could you not? Oh. I guess you don’t know everyone’s names yet. What kind of guys catch your eye?”

He glances at me, which would be flattering if he said anything to confirm it. Maybe he thinks I’m fishing for compliments. Not that I would mind.

“Are you into guys at all?” I press. “Because you don’t seem like you’re pretending when it comes to girls.”

“I’m not,” he says. “I definitely like girls.”

My stomach sinks. “But you’re not sure about guys? Because I can’t remember a time that I wasn’t. Even back in grade school. I didn’t know what sex was, but there were boys I wanted to be friends with because I liked how they looked. I just didn’t understand why at the time.”

Tim is quiet, my despair increasing with each step that we take. I’m walking in the dark.

“There was this one guy,” he says at last. “Back where I used to live.”

“Tell me about him,” I say, stopping so that Tim will too. I want to be able to see his face when he tells me his story.

He looks uncomfortable before scratching the back of his head sheepishly. “It was uh… Carla’s little brother.”

“Your crazy ex-girlfriend?”

“Yeah,” Tim says with a laugh. “Her parents were out of town, and she was in one of her moods. Carla loved tearing me down in front of her friends. She wasn’t as bad when we were by ourselves, but for whatever reason, she always gave me shit when other people were around. Anyway, it was one of those nights. When she told me to go check on her little brother, I was glad to get away from her, so I went up to his room.”

“What was his name?” I ask. “And what did he look like?”

“Cole. He wasn’t so different from his sister. Skinny with the same black hair. I didn’t think he was hot exactly. He was twelve or thirteen at the time. Way too young for me. I was already in high school. We had fun hanging out though. Enough that I decided to stay in his room, since he was actually nice to me. We played some video games and listened to some music. Cole was cool. Like the little brother I never had. He’d noticed the way Carla treated me. He said she was crazy, and that he would never do that to me. Which seemed weird, but I rolled with it. A little too much maybe because…” His face contorts before he shakes his head. “He started looking at me funny and said, ‘You can kiss me, if you want.” Tim swallows and leaves it at that.