Page 31 of When Ben Loved Tim

Tim slows in my peripheral vision. “For real, dude. What’s wrong?”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

He grabs my wrist to stop me. “About what? Oh shit! You mean themariposathing? We got interrupted. The word changes depending on the context.”

“It’s not that,” I say, my voice warbling. “You don’t get what it’s like to be gay.”

“Then explain it to me.”

He hasn’t let go yet. Tim allows his crutch to fall to the side before pulling me down onto the beach with him. Only then does he release me. His expression is open and earnest, but for once, I wish he wasn’t so handsome. I’m still irrevocably drawn to him, no matter how hopeless this has become.

“I always end up alone,” I say, my throat so tight that it’s hard to get the words out. “Which sucks, because this isn’t a choice. I don’t wrestle with temptation before deciding that I want to be into guys instead of girls. There’s nothing to choose between. It simply feels, I don’t know…right.People can hate me for that all they want. They can keep calling me names. But you know what the worst part is? Guys like you.” He looks stricken, so I hasten to assure him that the opposite is true. “I reallyreallylike you, Tim. And I know it’s never going to happen, but I pretend it will anyway, because it’s better than nothing. Even though it hurts sometimes. All those women had to do was stop to get your attention, when I wouldliterallydo anything.” I’m on the verge of tears that I barely manage to hold back, not wanting to cry in front of him. “None of this is your fault. It’s mine. I’m sorry that I’m having a breakdown about this now, but I’m so freaking tired of being alone!”

“Me too,” Tim says with a swallow.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I’m not angry. I’m pleading, because if there’s any chance that we’re alike, I need to know.

Tim’s attention is on the ebb and flow of the waves, his expression impossible to read. “I’m not sure,” he says at last. “But it’s what I was trying to tell you earlier.Enséñame a volar, mi mariposa hermosa.”He turns toward me, his voice laced with emotion. “Teach me how to fly, my beautiful butterfly.”

Tim leans closer, and I don’t know how to react, or what to do, but those silver eyes hold me captive until his lips touch mine. I instantly come to life and shift to face him, not wanting to lose contact as our mouths press together. I feel his hand on the back of my head, taste the fruity remnants of the drink he had, and begin to burn from the inside like never before. I almost cry out in protest when he pulls back, his eyes searching mine with a newfound intensity. I can only hope he finds what he’s looking for.

“You’re not alone,” he says. “You’ve got me.”

I’m not sure what to make of that, but I’m not going to ruin the moment with a million questions. Instead I seek out his hand on the sand, praying that it wasn’t merely a pity kiss. Or him being drunk. I’m reassured when he turns his hand over so our fingers can intertwine. Even though it doesn’t last very long. “We’re both so grimy,” he says when shaking me off.

I laugh, my eyes wet with happy tears, and I can’t help it. I have to tell him. “That was my first kiss.”

“Really?” he asks, looking surprised. “What about all those guys you’ve been with?”

“There weren’tthatmany,” I say in my defense, “and none of them were interested in that sort of thing.”

Tim scrunches up his face before he shrugs. “Their loss. You’re a good kisser.”

“You really think so?”

“Yeah. How’d I do?”

“It was the best kiss of my life. And the only one.”

“Oh right.” Tim grins before his face becomes somber. “Listen, I don’t know what I’m doing. This is all kind of new to me.”

“That’s okay,” I say. “We can figure it out together.”

“I don’t want to make any promises.” Tim’s expression is apologetic. “And I uh… have a girlfriend. So I probably shouldn’t have kissed you.”

“Then why did you?” I ask.

“I don’t know.” He stares at me a second before a smile tugs at his cheek. “I guess it just felt right.”

My heart is about to explode out of my chest. I’m ready to marry the boy. Get me to a chapel!

“We can take it slow,” I say in contrast to these thoughts. Mostly because I don’t want to scare him off.

“Cool,” Tim says.

A breeze blows across my skin, making me shiver with excitement rather than cold.

“You still wanna grab something to eat?” he asks me.